Dan - I think some of your observations are too simplistic. I don't have envy. Out of the seven deadly sins id say that's the least on point. I gambled before my son was born, whilst he was in hospital and now since he got home. I don't think it's related. Depression makes me gamble and I think a chunk of that is caused by my career.
Alan - thanks for stopping by and helping me get through tonight. It's been a bad day but a good day if I can finally make a new start. I am going to focus more than ever. I am going to note down all the positives in every day and I'm going to be an inspiration to others.
Keep the faith.
Yes I'm sure they are simplistic as I don't know your history. But putting a label like I'm depressed is perhaps a little vague also. I'm just saying you didn't have a punt because you fancied it. There will have been a reason that you needed to use addiction today. If you can figure out what it was, then it puts you in a position to make a plan on how to react in a more healthier manner the next time you feel that way.. I wish you well.
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Thanks Dan - that makes sense. I've been thinking about this a little more and will expand in my next post.
7/12 - Day 1
Woke up today and feel more positive that I'm going to make this work this time. There has been a shift away from focusing on the money and more of a focus is on my own health and my family. I can't do this again for those reasons.
I'm still not sure why I broke down yesterday but maybe it is related to my depressive nature and wanting my life to fast forward. When I'm gambling time seems to travel faster and days turn into weeks. Why do I want my life to fast forward? To take me out of this misery I currently exist within. Why am I in this misery? Because I constantly gamble and lose any self worth. So I think I could be wrapped up in a vicious circle. Gambling has changed me as a person and made me depressed. I have never gone long enough out of it to get to a really positive state so someday in that period from 40-100 days I break down again and the cycle starts all over.
Positives to take thus far...
- I haven't gambled nor had any urge to gamble since my relapse.
- I fed my son well last night. Managed to wind him well and had no sicks. He was calm and wasn't crying.
- I paid a bill online last night rather than let it drag on for longer than needed so I'm slowly dealing with life better.
- I haven't felt compelled to check any scores or keep abreast of sports results as soon as I wake up. It felt good not to be tied to doing something (although I'm fighting the urge right now to check the NFL results)
- I put the radio on in the car this morning rather than just driving in silence trying to avoid anyone who sounds happy when I'm not.
- I paid for my train pass upfront rather than put it on a credit card and let the amounts build up. It felt better to deal with this now and know I can cope.
Some ok positives there but I need to build on these and get better at spotting positives in my daily life.
I don't know where this is going right now but I am going to keep doing it and see what happens. Things can only get better for me.
Keep the faith.
Another couple of positives...
- I had told the company that approached me about joining them that I would try to update my CV this weekend. I didn't manage it due to my head being all over the place. So rather than bury my head in the sand I spoke to them and said id get it sorted tonight.
- A very difficult query landed on my desk at 8am. I've tackled it head on rather than delay and procrastinate.
Starting to see things better from I'm focusing on positives rather than negatives. Been a decent day because of that. It's not about the money anymore. I've thought about that don't get me wrong but I'm more concerned about myself and my family.
Been a decent Day 1. Work actually went well for a change. Managed to get a fair bit done and had got some difficult conversations out the way rather than delay them. Started a team initiative I run every Christmas to raise morale in the team by recognising good behaviours in the run up to the big day. The team always love it and it's become a part of the festive period. I've had people asking me when it starts for past few weeks!
More positives...
- got through difficult conversations with no issues and could even say they went really well
- felt good about starting the Christmas initiative again
- no thoughts of gambling and no checking of sports pages and I've survived
- there is a guy on the train who absolutely stinks (I mean really really stinks), is drunk, is loud and is really offensive... it just makes me think that could be me if I continue on a bad path and I know I'm not going down like that so it's a positive I'm not there already.
Hey change,
Some good positives today;)) I just hope that poor guy on the train got home ok, because it could be any one of us,
Keep strong and keep taking every little positive from the negative, there is always one there.
Suzanne xxx
Thanks Suzanne... unfortunately he wasn't such a pleasant man... but I guess I might not be in that scenario.
Happy with my Day 1. Got to do it this time. Never go back. Keep the faith.
Here's one for everyone today
"Get going. Move forward. Aim High. Plan a takeoff. Don't just sit on the runway and hope someone will come along and push the airplane. It simply won't happen. Change your attitude and gain some altitude. Believe me, you'll love it up here."
Donald Trump - love him or hate him I still like that quote...
Great positive quote Change , nice to see you feeling a bit perkier my friend and sorry for my drunken state on the train earlier , you know what these office party's can be like ? .
ps also forgot my deoderant !
Best wishes buddy !
Nice one Alan... that made me laugh out loud! Thanks for that pal.
Have a great day everyone!
Day 2
First song on the radio this morning was Jess Glyne - Take Me Home. She has a really great voice.
Still feeling more upbeat. Alan made me laugh this morning so been a good start.
Positives from last night
- was motivated enough to update my CV
- no urge of a gambling nature and didn't even watch the Everton game
- wasn't mood or miserable towards my wife
Keep the faith everyone!
Am especially delighted to note the last positive! Keep up the good work.
BW,
CW
Thanks CW and yes you're right... my wife has put up with a grumpy Change for too long.
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