The Rain Before It Falls

Hi! Congrats on almost a month gamble free. I hope your diary helps you.

All the best in your recovery journey xx

Pinky.

Thanks Pinky, I appreciate you taking the time to read my post.

I currently feel determined with my abstinence, and therefore I’m choosing to reflect on my gambling experiences and how all of this has happened.

I am firstly going to write about my first encounters with gambling. The first time I remember gambling was on those 2p coin pusher machines, I’m sure when I was little they were everywhere I haven’t seen them in ages. The pull is the same as now, the lights of the amusements pulling me in, the images are blurry now because of how long ago this happened, but the feeling, the necessity to play is still fresh in my mind.

Every other child would run round the amusements choosing which machine to play. It could be shooting zombies with a gun or tilting themselves on plastic motorbikes round corners, but for me I wasn’t interested, as soon as I entered the amusements I would be analysing the 2p machines working out which one looked most appealing. Those amusements were proper tacky the swirly red carpet and the little plastic pots for change, the sound of jackpot, coins clattering, it may seem romantic from the outside, but for me it’s a place that’s cold and emotionless.

Did my gambling issues start here? It’s hard to believe but maybe. Why wasn’t I interested in the games that the other children were, I enjoyed playing game consoles at home, my SNES, Playstation all had hours of use, but if I was in an amusements I would be drawn to those coin pushing machines. I have read many times on this forum over the year’s people who think there addictions started when they were children. For me that’s a really sad thought, I don’t know for myself. The behaviours I’ve described are gambling behaviours but I was very young. I don’t want to envisage myself as a child with an issue, I had a great childhood. The experiences of gambling were sporadic and often would be spaced out by maybe a whole year.

I can remember going to Alton towers with my mate, we were probably 13 yrs old, we enjoyed the rides and the fast food but we must have spent 2 hours in the arcade by Nemesis. We were playing the £5 Jackpot fruit machines I can remember one in particular where you had to collect 3 carrots to get on the super board, I always seemed to win on those ones. Every time the arcade attendant nipped out for a f*g we would sneak into the over 18s section and play the £25 machines. My friend, who I don't really see anymore, lives right by my parents he has nice cars, nice house and a family, I think it would be fair to say he went on to make some better decisions than I did from here, and he always thought I was the bright one! When my Dad asked him on GCSE results day how he got on? He told my old man “well put it this way I can spell ‘Fudge’ with my scores”.

I’ve always played lots of sport and one of my lasting memories of teenage gambling was the fruit machines in my local cricket club. I would play with a few lads who would have been 18/19 at the time, one time sticks in my memory I was maybe 15. I was playing pool we had worked out that if you stuck your money in and pushed the bar forward really slowly you could pull the bar back release the balls without the table taking your money, brilliant. The club must have been confused, the table was always in use but never any money in the pot at the end of the night. I was playing one evening and it was winner stays on, the £250 machine was right next to the table and one of the older lads said this is about to pay do you fancy going quid’s in? I was instantly distracted by the invite, I lost the game quickly to partake in some adult gambling. £10 in and we had won the jackpot. £120 winnings at 15 years of age what a great moment.

That was all a very long time ago, today I’m no longer gambling I’m tired of the lies and the worrying, I want to enjoy moments not be stuck in a zombie state for hours on end. I don’t want the money problems, I want to buy things for people I care about. I want to spend my time wisely, I’ve watched the Fobt Screen and the fruit machine for far too much of my life. The time wasted gambling hurts more than the money lost.

Thanks for sharing William - one observation that i noticed was all those gambling stories recall fond / good tales of gambling. I doubt you view it in that light but interesting that your memories are of the winning days. That might try be the 'early' days. The only gambles I recall are the losing ones the winning ones don't seem to have stuck in my brain.

Hi change, hope you are well and thanks for posting, my whole adult life has been constrained by gambling. It's ruined so many moments and so many opportunities. I wrote that post just trying to reflect on my memories of gambling at a young age, from that point on things steadily and then rapidly went downhill.

Today I haven't gambled and it feels good. Work was busy and then I enjoyed myself on the evening. Life can be challenging, unavoidably challenging at times and complicated. Some of these challenges are more than worthwhile however I know for certain that I no longer want gambling to complicate my life.

Gambling is a destructive parasite which comes in disguise as "entertainment". It ruins lives tears families apart it's the gift that keeps giving. Also rigged most of their profits come from people like us why would they want us giving up.

William - thanks for posting again. I can remember my youthful gambling and looking back on it I showed signs of compulsion then. My dad would give me one of the carbon copy footy slips and let me have a 10p or 50p line. I won quite a bit on Italian footy as I loved Franco Baresi and used to adore football italia on channel 4. But I also remember asking my dad to bring me some plain slips and I'd be on teletext writing out odds for nfl handicaps and doing a 10p line! I know very little about nfl.

I suspected only your early tales would be fond but i also wanted to know whether you were blocking out any negatives. I don't suspect that is the case. We all know deep down that gambling is very bad for us. I can't say that about it completely as many can enjoy it for what it is. I unfortunately cannot do that... or fortunately as whatever type of gambler a person is they will ultimately be down.

Taking one stress out my life is great. Admittedly i would love to also remove financial stress but that will remain present for some more months. I won't dwell on that though as it is futile to do so.

You appear very articulate to me so apologies for my somewhat ramble of thoughts but I wanted to post something back to you as you'd taken the time to acknowledge my question.

Sleep well and maybe catch up tomorrow.

How u doing william?

Hi change, yes I'm good thanks. I've been really busy today. I haven't had the opportunity to post anything, but I will reply properly to you tomorrow. I did get chance to have a read through your diary though this morning, I really like the positivity you bring across, it's really important to recognise although we may be feeling hard done by right now or just plain stupid for what we have done, we need to also remember how lucky we are to be to make changes to our lives. You seem like you are doing really well, keep it up and keep it positive.

I’m not really a day counter but I checked and today I am 33 days gamble free, it feels longer in some senses and like it was yesterday in others.

Christmas is close now, I haven’t been able to buy any presents due to the financial position I have put myself in. Next year will be different, I’ve said this before but this time I really mean it.

Thursday and Friday were tougher days for me, I couldn’t get my head around it, why was I so frustrated? What changed from the day before?

Today it seems obvious, my confidence has returned, there is no cloud today. Looking back on those feelings, it is easy now to analyse, at that moment though I was stuck motionless, with just me and my mind plagued with regret and frustration.

I was thinking about what is going on in my life right now, how I want things to turn out and the reality that my addiction and financial position are here, are real and will obviously have an impact on people’s opinions of me. This was tough to take, the thought of gambling never crossed my mind.

My biggest flaw and I imagine it’s a trait of many gamblers is I am impatient, acceptance of my position today and understanding it is a long journey to recovery and financial stability will enable me to take each day as it comes, cloudy or not. There may be drizzle and grey skies to come but I will no longer head towards the storm.

I am looking forward to 5 days off over Christmas, I will have worked 17 days straight come Wednesday. Work is incredibly busy at the moment there are a lot of changes taking place, I feel distracted, and the positive point is that it is not gambling related. For me, being gambling free at the moment is not enough it might not be enough but it at least makes things much better and for that no gambling is a decision I am proud of.

"Today it seems obvious, my confidence has returned, there is no cloud today. Looking back on those feelings, it is easy now to analyse, at that moment though I was stuck motionless, with just me and my mind plagued with regret and frustration"

It sounds like you were seriously buying into your thoughts ( becoming 'hooked' by your thoughts). Thoughts about yourself became 'facts' (self-conceptualising), even though they're just thoughts being generated by your mind (obviously your mind generates 1000s of thoughts every day, some get stuck). The next day you were fine. There are specific mindfulness techniques which can help 'defuse' from repetitive, negative thoughts. I don't believe you can stop negative thoughts or magically make yourself have positive ones, and to try and do so would be futile, but you don't have to buy into them.

Best wishes

Louis

ps - one other thing, you mention people's opinion of you going down due to the addiction. I'm wondering first if you have told anyone and also, if you have, whether in fact they're opinion has gone down. I didn't tell anyone for 15 years. Once I stopped I started telling people. I tell more and more people and I haven't sensed any kind of stigma or negative reaction. Intrigue maybe but mostly it's been very positive and opening up a vulnerability has connected me to the people I've told. Revealing vulnerabilities makes people feel safe. After I told one of my best friends, he prompty came out as *** (I was the first person he told)!

I believe that the main driver behind addiction is a feeling of being disconnected from life/people and so opening up is a natural antidote to the behaviours which lead to gambling, if that makes sense.

Happy Christmas everyone, have been really busy recently and haven't found much time to post on here. Hope everyone has a merry Christmas.

William1986 wrote:

Happy Christmas everyone, have been really busy recently and haven't found much time to post on here. Hope everyone has a merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas William. Don't forget to keep up the basics of stopping gambling. So easy to get caught up in the storm again.

Merry Christmas Triangle. Yes I'm more determined than ever not to get caught in that storm again!

So it has now been 6 weeks since I last gambled, honestly I haven't been tempted to gamble and this feels really good. I have accepted my current financial position and realise that currently I'm unsure how I will get through the next few months financial but I know that gambling is not the answer.

I returned to work today after having 5 deserved days off. Christmas was good, it was great to spend time with my family and relax. I did have a lot of time on my hands which led me to contemplate on my current position, I did and do feel guilty that I was unable to buy presents for people but I will make up for this next year.

Today is another gamble free day I look forward to making 2016 a positive year. Hope everyone is well.

William