The start of my new life

Hi Stu

You are doing the right thing by informing people of your addiction. It takes the power away from the destruction that can creep into our lives as we seek another thrill in the bookies. Now you can pick the phone up to a friend or family member and tell them how you feel. It takes time but you will get there as I feel your determination. Remember recovery is a worthwhile journey and not a destination. It doesn't stop here it starts if you want it.

Take care

Stu

Fella well done for taking some huge steps to begin recovery with, it takes a huge amount of courage to face up to our failings and from your actions I hope you draw great strength.

Take all the help that is on offer, remember you are not alone.

Addiction loves to try and isolate us from the world, kid us into thinking it's our only friend, truth is it wants our money, there is no love in it, once it's had that it turns it's back until we can feed it again.

My friend you made a choice to stop that

Be kind to yourself, recovery is something to enjoy, because it's free and never stops giving

One day at a time keep making the right choice.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words and encouragement.

As I posted yesterday, last night was the continuation of addressing my problem, this time to my family rather than friends. I'd been more worried how my parents were going to take it more than anyone but telling my friends first definitely helped. Unlike the previous night I didn't keep breaking down, one by one I called them and calmly explained I had a problem which had been ongoing for a number of years. My Dad was great, completely understanding and told me he wasn't there to judge, also explained some of the problems he's had in the past. My sister listened and told me she was pleased I'd been able to address it. My mum , who I'd been most worried about, took it well and even said "well I did wonder". So positives all round. The only person I still really have to confront is my Nan whom I'm currently staying with. Now that will be interesting.

Have to say, I did all this from the pub by myself in the company of my biggest nemesis the fruit machines and at no point had ANY desire to play. If anything it made me feel sick at the thought of it, something I'm definitely not used to-but a really good feelingknowing I had no intention, no desire and no yearning to play. Another really positive day for me.

Something I am yet to state is that it has now been over two weeks since I last had a bet or gambled in any way and long let it continue!

Stu,

That's amazing and inspirational, thank you for sharing that story.

I am 135 days clean which im very proud of, but in all this, i have only told two people, my wife, and my brother. Two very important people, but nonetheless, i know i have to confront other hurdles in the near future.

You have spurred me on to share my problem with a wider circle including friends who i know have issues, but are seemingly happy to carry on at present.

I know i need to be strong and hold my head up and admit it, but im not sure how and when but i will.

Good luck and congratulations on your two weeks.

So back again, managed to tell my Nan last night. Got back from work and sat down with my nan who had been pre warned by my mum the previous night. Her first words "I hear you've been a naughty boy." Quite refreshing from all the sympathy I've received from everyone else. She was great though, telling me about all the money she's lost before and advising me the thing to do is bingo instead as you don't lose so much money. Although I had to explain I no longer want to do anything not just cut down my habit. Her reply, "what will you do for fun", as if that's the only enjoyable past time.

This is a very important point though, I know gambling isn't something that is fun for me. It used to be many, many years ago but for so long it's been a horrible burden something I've hated.

I have now completed telling everyone I intended to at the start of this a few days ago and I feel like anew person. I walk around with a smile on my face and people have seen a noticeable difference in me. Life is starting to get a lot better and I believe it will continue to.

Anyone reading this with a problem, I'd like to say, for me getting it out in the open, letting everyone who really meant anything in my life know about the problem is the best thing I've ever done. Not a single person has anything except support for me, some people don't know what to say but what do you expect that's natural. It definitely beats the feelings of shame and the lies. Hope this helps.

Aargh, just spent the best part of two hours writing my post for the last two days only to lose it, frustrating, very frustrating. So let's start again.

Saturday. This was always going to be a big test, prime gambling day, football, rugby and a whole load of possible sports for me to usually chuck my hard earned money at. Not this week though. Usually Saturday involves me meticulously going through all the football games and working out which teams I will have in my accumulator. Not a thought of putting a bet on though, great. I went down the pub (one I'd informed of my problem and had asked them to kick me out if they ever saw me playing on the machines again) and met up with a few mates for the first time since making my problem public knowledge. Was apprehensive as unsure if was about to be treated like some social outcast but my mates were great so was everyone in the pub, wasn't treated any different to usual. Still no urges to play on the machines or have a bet, very positive. So got my pint and sat down to watch my beloved Arsenal play. 1-0, 2-0, 3-0, 4-0 and only 20 minutes on the clock, this was the last thing I needed! Usually at this point I'd have jumped up, forgotten about the football and started to play the fruit machines, that is no longer me though and instead I continued to watch my team get massacred, great fun! This is the first time I can categorically say I have saved myself some cash as Arsenal are always first on my betting slip, a good feeling not to of lost. I had actually got to the point with my betting it didn't matter if I lost or won I never felt good. Bad for losing my money on a dud bet or bad for placing the bet even if it was a winner, a lose-lose situation. Next I had to deal with someone who I could really of lost my rag with but in the last week have reassessed what's important to me. Instead I just gritted my teeth and got on with things. Positives from the day, no gambling, no urges to gamble, rose above things, negatives no chance of watching match of the day!

Sunday. Went out with my family for a day out in London. Brilliant day, couldn't of really got much better. In recent times the kids would've argued, I'd of got angry and it would've been ruined for everyone involved. Not anymore though. Of course the kids argued that's what they do, they're kids but everything is so much easier without the guilt and shame of my dirty little secret. We had a great day out and went to a local Wetherspoons for something to eat. Usually the first thing I notice when entering a pub is what fruit machines they have, the quantity, location etc. I've been thinking about this and can honestly say I can't recall any machines in the pub, of course they were there but it seems like I am actually changing my mindset. I would never consciously be keeping an eye out but it was just something that was ingrained into me, apparently not anymore though. A great day with great company which turned into an even better evening.

One thing I do have to address though is I had planned to go my first GA meeting. This didn't happen. A friend informed me there was a local GA meeting on the Sunday which I had intended to go to only to find out it isn't held on a Sunday but instead on another day which unfortunately is impossible for me to attend due to my Uni commitments. I had found an alternative however due to the distance and the fact I was having such a good day didn't attend. I will be honest since stating my intention to go I have been debating whether this is the avenue for me to follow having read others experiences which have not always been positive. I will definitely go to a meeting open minded at least once as it can't do any harm and I'm willing to give anything a shot that I believe will be productive for me. Slightly concerned though as I believe I have already come a hell of a way in a short period of time and don't want any knock-backs. I have got one to one sessions due start soon and believe one of the best things for me so far is doing this daily diary, even if it is a little long winded at times. If anyone has any thoughts on the last point I'd be very grateful to hear from you.

Hi Stu

GA is not for everyone but if I were you I would give it a go. It might not be for you yet but never say never! People put all kinds of obstacles in the way to not go to GA. If you were in action and there was a good fruit machine at the other end of the town I'm sure you would crawl there if you had to, to get a fix. You need to do whatever it takes to get some good recovery going.

Take care

Thanks for your advice Smiler, you're absolutely right a few weeks ago I would've crawled to a decent fruit machine. I have been talking myself out of doing it without seeing if it will work for me. It is something that I will definitely give a go, if it doesn't work for me nothing has been lost.

So it has been a week since I started telling friends and family of my problems and it's been really positive. I'd always believed by telling certain people, I was going to lose them forever yet this hasn't been the case. The people I was most scared of losing have been the most supportive, although they're the ones who have been effected the most other than myself. This very nearly destroyed me but I now feel this will only make me a stronger, better person. I'm so much more appreciative of the people around me and am looking forward to my future, something that only held fear and apprehension before. I have a new outlook on life, I'm no longer a pessimist rather an optimist. I will continue to work on things, apart from my relationship problems I don't think I could be in a much better place at the moment.

I have set myself three personal targets; 1.never to gamble again (this may be an unrealistic target at the moment hence point 2, but I actually believe in myself now). 2. If I ever do gamble again not to hide it from people, be honest about it, tell people straight away and confront the problem, not hide from it. 3. This is unrelated to gambling and so won't be disclosing this one on here. For me setting targets is helpful as it reminds me what my overall objectives are. To sum it up, this week has been the best thing possible for me, I'm facing things head on and I'm really proud of myself not something I've been used to for a long time. The most difficult thing is accepting I've hurt a lot of people and that is something which is so much harder to deal with than anything else. At least I know I won't hurt them anymore and that's great.

I've purposely tried to put myself in testing situations, drinking, going to the pub etc. I don't want to let gambling control my life, I don't want gambling to be part of my life at all and I'm confident this can be the case. I've had no inclinations to gamble for longer than I can remember, probably since I was a teenager before it really took a grip on me. It's great, nothing else to say about it.

A quick overview of my day yesterday. From the moment I woke had the biggest grin imaginable, feels so good being a happy person. Was in such a good mood had a little work out, again something I haven't done for a long while but felt really good. My day was good no thoughts of gambling at all. The evening I dipped a little, went looking to get something to eat and all I could find was bookies after bookies. It makes me feel sick how people are making huge amounts of money at the expense of peoples lives and the government has no issues with it, as long as they receive their cut. This put a downer on me but I know I'm going to. Experience ups and downs. Next week is going to be tough with Valentines day but will address that in due course. As long as the positives outweigh the negatives I'll be fine and there's nothing more positive than what I'm doing.

Tuesday morning was depressing, just didn't feel great about myself. Correction, felt great about my position but not about people I've hurt. The day was testing, things just weren't going well, one of those days but still no thoughts of gambling, which isgood. I know they're probably the most difficult to deal with so that's positive. Spoke with the person who usually cheers me up and they were ill so instead of the lift I was expecting made me a little sad. Had a drink in the pub and didn't have any urges to play the fruitties. In all a positive day as I'm going to have bad days but if I'm not thinking about gambling on these days surely it's progression.

Wednesday was a lot better had to look after someone who wasn't well and was nice to help someone else out rather than taking everyone's help which had been the case for the last week. Really enjoyed my day, had a nice evening with the kids and went to bed with a smile on my face. A little apprehensive as I'm sure I'll experience testing days soon enough but at the moment seem to be finding it relatively easy to deal with things. Maybe I've turned a corner, hopefully at least.

well done, ive managed to stop gambling for around 46 days now, I last gambled on 27th December 2013, I gamble on roulette machines in the bookies and online, ive always been careful with my money so I don't know why I ever started gambling. before I managed to stop gambling for 6months and 10 days so it can be done.

Not a great deal to report, worked went to uni and didn't have any thoughts, wishes, urges to gamble. A positive and happy day, have become quite the smiler recently beats being the grumpy b*****d I'd become. Another day done, another day gamble free. That's now 22 days straight. Never really counted before but pretty sure that's the longest I've gone for a hell of a long time now. I think there's only been a few occasions since my teens that I've done a full month so that's going to be a milestone once I reach it and I will. The real defining moment will be two months though, absolutely sure haven't done two months gamble free since I started nearly 15 years ago, so there's a target for me.

Will keep on posting am now on a 50/50 split the amount of time I've been a gambler to haven't, want to try and get that percentage as far down as possible. Under 10% would be good but not sure if I'll make it to 150 years old though!

Not a great deal to report, worked went to uni and didn't have any thoughts, wishes, urges to gamble. A positive and happy day, have become quite the smiler recently beats being the grumpy b*****d I'd become. Another day done, another day gamble free. That's now 22 days straight. Never really counted before but pretty sure that's the longest I've gone for a hell of a long time now. I think there's only been a few occasions since my teens that I've done a full month so that's going to be a milestone once I reach it and I will. The real defining moment will be two months though, absolutely sure haven't done two months gamble free since I started nearly 15 years ago, so there's a target for me.

Will keep on posting am now on a 50/50 split the amount of time I've been a gambler to haven't, want to try and get that percentage as far down as possible. Under 10% would be good but not sure if I'll make it to 150 years old though!

Friday, valentines day. This was always going to be a tricky day however it wasn't half as bad as I'd feared. Received a card, something I wasn't expecting and had a really nice day. A little strange spending it with someone I care for but without the luvvy-duvvy side of things. Even more so surrounded by mountains of flowers from another admirer. However a position I've created for myself so something I just had to deal with. Not a day for any thoughts of gambling and that was the case. Getting a little repetitive now but that's good.

Saturday. Day couldn't of started any better but unfortunately deteriorated as it went on. After a brilliant start sat down and started some revision for an exam on Monday (after repairing the damage caused by previous nights storms). Took a break to watch the City v Chelsea game the first match I've watched on TV at home since I started posting. Found it quite difficult every other advert, bet on this, bet on that, free bets, best prices and so on. Didn't make me want to have a bet, nothing really has recently but I felt awkward and sad watching them. Then things really took a turn for the worse, received a phone call to find out a good friend from my youth, who I'd fallen out of contact with, had died. This hit me like a ton of bricks. He leaves behind four children and was only 32 years old. I felt physically sick and it was just too much to take, I had a real little breakdown for an hour or so. More than anything it makes me realise how much of an idiot I've been over the years and the things and people I've neglected which hurts a lot. There is so much more to life than gambling and it's not a mistake I'm willing to make again. RIP Alex you were a good mate.

Feeling slightly guilty as it's been 5 days since my last post however I have been rather busy.

Sunday spent a really nice day with my ex and our dog. Went for a little walk along the canal to a lovely picturesque pub by the river with the worst service known to man. I've always enjoyed going for walks as it's always been something that keeps me away from the temptation of gambling. Lovely pub, lovely company, no temptation to gamble a really nice day. Had a chat about our relationship situation and was nice being able to openly talk about how we feel and our expectations. Basically my relationship is dead however I don't give up hope of someday starting a new beginning with the person I love. This is something that will only happen with a considerable amount of time, effort and hopefully I'll be able to rebuild the lost trust and make her see the person she fell in love with. If nothing else I know I have a friend who will be there if ever needed, something I'm very grateful for.

Monday. Had an exam which didn't go very well. After spending 5hours revising in the library started the exam only for my calculator to stop working. Did an entire finance based exam without a calculator, great! Had to a laugh as it was either that or cry and I've done plenty of that recently. Then went to see my ex as it was her birthday. Gave her, her presents which went down very well and enjoyed a nice relaxing evening.

Tuesday. Worked and went to uni in the evening. Had a phone call from the people who are organizing my counseling sessions. Was asked about my problems and explained all the changes I've made in my life recently, which are numerous. This was greeted with the question, "do you still want to see someone?" An emphatic yes, I'll take all the help available to me at the moment something I'd never of agreed to a short while ago.

Wednesday. After a really good start to the week had probably my worst moment since starting my recovery. Spent the day with the kids which was great, trying to teach a 7 year-old how to ride a bike properly, testing but rewarding. This is the sort of thing I'd of got annoyed with not long ago but I'm a lot more patient and I'm enjoying life in general a lot more now. Time with friends, kidsand family is now something to be savoured rather than a chore which is something I hate to admit but because of my problems this is the sorry situation my life had got to. I wasn't happy with myself and so couldn't enjoy situations which should of been my happiest times. At least I've got time to amend my situation and try and make amends for the bad father, partner and friend I've been recently. Anyway won't go into details but had a little breakdown in the evening. A situation occurred which brought a lot of bad feelings and thoughts to the forefront. Just made me feel so terrible and didn't know how to deal with it and didn't deal with it very well at all. This is my biggest problem at the moment, dealing with my feelings. This forum has helped me so much in terms of my gambling, writing everything down has pretty much eradicated my desires I just wish I had something to help with my inner torment. At the moment I'm a happy person but when my feelings hit they are pretty relentless and unforgiving which is difficult to deal with.

Thursday. Still didn't feel great after my meltdown the night before but things improved a lot throughout the day. Really hard day at work but then went to spend some time with one of my best mates. Had a good chat with him which helped. It's amazing how just over a month ago my problems were my problems and I wouldn't discuss anything with anyone. Now anyone who's willing to listen gets an earful and for me it really helps. That is my final thought for this post, talking about things has helped me start rebuilding my life again and anyone reading this in the same sort of situation, I'd advise this is a good starting point.

Just short of the month point now and going really well no gambling and no wish to gamble, long may it continue.