The Name of the Ghost

@p6z38njbqm Thanks, man. So true. Everyone who quits eventually reshapes their approach to life and their perception of time.

I believe that succeeding in learning a language is largely about motivation—like when you move to a new country and start speaking the language after a few months. And if you feel that the time spent mastering a foreign language could be used for something more meaningful to you, that’s totally fine.

Take care, mate, and keep pushing. It’s inspiring to see your consistency.

Day 63: Alright. Two clean months are behind me now. Over the 9.5 years of gambling, I believe I never abstained for longer than four months (maybe even three, but it's impossible to check now). So reaching four months this time would be a significant achievement, and with daily commitment, I can make it happen.

Sometimes I get emotional about what I'm doing now. Few people knew about my gambling issues and believed I had stopped 3-4 years ago. But I continued gambling. Only now do I feel mature enough to truly try to overcome this addiction. I get emotional when I think that 30 years from now, I'll look back at myself today and be grateful for what I did. I need to be consistent and keep pushing to make it happen. Nothing is finished yet.

I think that everyone who uses this forum and tries to recover, even if the struggle is painful, should nurture a feeling of deep appreciation because what you're trying to accomplish now is already a huge success.

Sometimes I notice weakness in myself. Saturday was pretty rough, and I felt so exhausted by what's happening in my society that I started thinking about possibilities for immigration. Considering that I don't have enough money or skills for such a move, I remembered how I used to try to solve these kinds of issues in the past. I always tried to compensate for the financial gap between my dreams and my reality by gambling. I realize that the weakness still exists. If some extreme situation occurs, much more emotional than anything I've faced yet, I might turn to gambling as a quick and easy way to solve the problem.

In the context of the previous paragraph, I need to clarify something I haven't mentioned so far. I'm not British; English is not my mother tongue, and it’s hard and sometimes time-consuming to express myself properly. I even feel some insecurity when I read how fellow forum members are so articulate. I believe that sharing some cultural and political context could be interesting for readers, but from day one, due to my anxiety about privacy, I haven't allowed myself to do that. I'll just clarify that I'm from a European country (not Belarus or Russia).

To end this post, I'll share a small method I invented for myself this week, a variation of time travel, if you will. The Recovery Diaries section has 224 pages of threads so far. You can randomly pick a page and see how the forum looked 5 or 10 years ago. Most of the threads have fewer than 10 messages; that’s the sad reality of such forums. Some people who start just don't find it in themselves to overcome addiction at that particular moment.

But some threads are deep. If you pick a thread with a lot of posts, it's almost guaranteed that you'll find something valuable. It astonished me while exploring how the topics we discuss on the forum today are the exact same things people discussed years ago. On our own, we arrive at the same conclusions that others reached before us, and those people succeeded in their journeys.

For example, this guy ( https://community.gamcare.org.uk/forum/recovery-diaries/dans-journey/) kept a diary for more than 100 days and wrote that he was 1700 days gambling-free in 2021, so now he must be somewhere around 3000! That’s cool and inspirational.

Take care, everyone, and keep pushing. Still, appreciate yourself for the effort you’re giving.

I've played the time travel game many times. It's amazing to get a little look into someone's life, even if it's for a short period. It's really sad to see those who start with such conviction, but then never return to their diary. It really is a massive help to track your progress and emotions. I hope those who didn't return found another way to heal.

Love reading your posts mate. You write so well and with clarity, and something you say each time resonates with me. For me, looking back at myself in 30 years will be a sense of achievement, but also a little bit of sadness, that I didn't recognise this addiction sooner. The best thing is though, that in 30 years, I will still be here (hopefully!). I'm pretty sure if I kept on gambling, my life would be in ruins and I would be long gone.

Keep up the good work mate, and stop posting so well in a language that is not you first spoken. You are putting us to shame!! 🤣 

Stay strong 👍 

Thanks, mate. Your support has been crucial for me, and I truly appreciate it. I mentioned "thirty years" just as an example, and we can't predict the future. What we can do is appreciate the effort we're putting in now, and time will reveal its true value. I also wish I had recognized the problem earlier and taken action six years ago, or maybe three years ago.

I remember 5-6 years ago, when my friend and I were placing bets and watching games, anxious about the outcome. Another mate asked, "Don't you think it's a problem? You might be addicted." At the time, I thought, "Nope. I'm sure I'm controlling the situation." But I didn't.

On the other hand, I could still be gambling, even five years from now. That's why this effort should be appreciated and sustained. If I had stopped my addiction earlier, I wouldn't have hurt some people, and I would have been in a better position to bring joy to others. I believe you might feel something similar. But that's just what happened to us. Now is the time to react properly so we never bring any destruction in the future.

Day 70: So far, so good. I can already say that this summer has been the most significant one in terms of my self-development. Maybe not in my entire life, because childhood is a different kind of growth, but definitely in this stage of young adulthood.

I could have had a completely clean summer, but I relapsed in June. However, I handled it with grace. That experience made me more resilient by revealing the weak points in my defenses. I’ve read guides that suggest enduring urges until they eventually pass. Perhaps if I lasted longer, the craving would have go away. I don’t regret what happened, but I do find it intriguing to watch what might have been in alternative branch where I hadn’t relapsed. Moving forward, if those demons of urges return, I’ll fight them to the devastation (not mine).

I was always the type of guy who dreamt of being a millionaire, getting acknowledged as a genius in whatever sphere I was interested in at a certain stage of life. In the last 1-2 years, my approach to life started shifting towards connecting with nature, connecting with people, and trying to live life with purpose without chasing material wealth. Btw, the main message of Pixar's movie "Soul" that the purpose of life is living life itself, went totally over my head back in 2020. Only recently, I have I been able to truly *** what the creators meant.

Perhaps this shift is what finally guided me to start overcoming my gambling addiction. And conversely, healing a bit and freeing up mental space has reinforced my new, more meaningful approach to life. Maybe I’ve finally grown up.

Everything seems to be moving naturally. But! If I remove all the barriers I’ve built, life would become much harder. I think life will force me to weaken some of the blocks connected to finances when I'll find job. But the other blocks would be there for years.

So now, I'll take small pause from this forum. I feel like I need some time to work in silence, to internalize the thoughts and conclusions I’ve reached over these past few months.

Thanks for reading. Appreciate yourself. 🌺 

I’ve always looked forward to reading your posts. You really understand the issues that most of us are going through and put them into the most amazing words. You’ve done such a great job of staying focused and your posts have inspired me, and no doubt others, in keeping that same focus.

wishing you all the best mate.

Pop in soon and visit us. You are one of the great people in here for keeping it real and motivating us all.

Stay strong 💪 

@h2gk3a76m1 Lovely post goodfella. Stay strong and enjoy your time off but please come back and let us know how you are doing!

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

@p6z38njbqm @j5a6meyr4z Thank you very much, guys. We tend to assimilate to the people we are in the same group with. Seeing how you’re reaching 50, 100, 150 days gf makes me think of healing from gambling as something realistic and achievable. So for me, and for many others here, it’s a great fortune to be in the same “class” with you. The positive influence we have on each other is invisible but very important.

Day 83: Everything is alright. I'm trying to align my actions and processes with my life views because when they differ, there’s no way to succeed. My main priority is to find a job in my field and change my environment. It's very hard to discipline myself when there’s no pressure on me, but I’m trying. Some habits and mental patterns that stuck with me after my gambling life keep falling away from my body like withered dirt.

Trust the process, and remember that you're not alone in this journey.

@h2gk3a76m1 You most certainly are not alone on this journey goodfella - you have your gamcare family right here to support you all the way!🙌💪.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Thank you, Pinky! Since joining the gamcare family, none of us are alone.

Take care.

Day 93, Dots 7: I think it's really a good time to get back to some regularity in keeping the diary. My initial plan was to post somewhere in the middle of October to conclude what I was able to achieve in 1.5 months, but I don't see it as beneficial for me or for this diary.

On gambling: If we define an urge as some intense desire to gamble, I haven't had any in the last 93 days. But when I was an avid gambler, I used to follow certain mental patterns, consciously and unconsciously. In a light way, those patterns are still activating when I face triggers. Examples:

1. One club was on a very solid run in the national league, and I knew that. When I was searching for the UCL schedule to pick a game to watch, I came across the game of this club. The app I watch on shows odds as well, and when I saw the odds for this team's win, I thought, "Well, this looks like a reliable bet." If this had happened one year ago, I would definitely have placed that bet. Now, knowing the result, I can say it would have been a losing bet. But despite the result, that's the activity I no longer take part in.

2. I was thinking about taking a one-day trip this autumn, and realizing how limited my budget is, brought me to another pattern familiar to everybody here: I have X amount of money, but if I just had X + 200, I could afford better experiences.

Still, I would mention that in both of these examples, I was never close to thinking about making an attempt, thanks to the progress I've made in the last few months.

On discipline: I have always failed to discipline myself and do something consistently without being forced by circumstances. That contributed to my perception of myself as a lazy and paltry person. I have some virtues, like everybody does, but I fail to convert them into meaningful results.

On August 16, I finally started working out. I picked a trustworthy workout plan and stuck to it: dumbbell workouts on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, with gripper exercises on the off days.

Five weeks later, I can conclude that I have never skipped a workout. On 1/3 or even 2/3 of the workout days, I totally didn't feel it and wanted to do nothing, but still forced myself to complete the workouts. After a few weeks, the feeling of a streak appeared, and I didn't want to break the chain.

Visually, I don't see any results, but measurements don't lie, and I’ve gained as much muscle as one can after properly training for a month.

I think this intermediate success was possible because of two main reasons: sticking to the schedule and keeping the streak, and having a strong internal sense of who I am or who I want to be.

I work out not because I want to impress somebody but because of who I want to be 10 or 30 years from now - who I want to be today. The same goes for gambling. I didn’t gamble today, not because I’m trying to quit, but because I’m not a gambler.

On career: My main goal now is to get hired as a programmer, but over the last 4 months, I’ve made almost no progress. I wasn’t able to pull myself together and consistently practice. When I started my gf journey, I believed I would have a job by early September. Today, I don’t feel prepared. I know what I have to do but can't consistently act.

Realistically, if I practiced for at least 6 hours a day, I think I would be ready by December–January. But “consistently” and “practicing” are the points where I always fail. That’s why I believe my workout experience is meaningful, as it taught me how to do hard work when the results are unseen.

I've decided to break down my daily study process into 30-minute chunks, with 5-minute breaks, and bigger breaks after 3-4 such sessions. Common practice. Over time, I will increase those chunks to 50 minutes. After completing each small session, I draw a bold dot on the binding of my notebook.

I believe that when I draw 1,000 dots, I will be worthy of getting hired. If not, at least I will have become a more skilled programmer than I am now. I started yesterday and already have 7 dots. This will be the new metric I include in my diary, alongside my gf counter.

Maybe this will put some pressure on me and motivate me to live up to my word, so I won't quit.

Oh, and I want to add that besides being excited to read the diaries of my dear friends who have been continuing since I joined the gamcare community, it’s really nice to see new folks showing determination to beat their gambling addiction, taking the right steps, and sharing their experiences here. It’s really helpful.

Good luck!

Day 101: 48/1000 dots have already been drawn. I’m beyond proud of myself for reaching triple figures in GF days. It even looks solid. Yes, sometimes I feel dissatisfied with what I’ve achieved (or better to say, failed to achieve), but overall, I’ve built a good foundation for my further development as someone who doesn’t gamble.

So many factors contributed to putting myself in a better position that I can’t name them all at once. When you gamble for so long, it alters your perception of time, relationships, and yourself. Short-term possible wins always prevailed over long-term mastery of a craft. You wait for the next paycheck, hoping this time your betting strategy will work, your decisions will be better, and you’ll finally win a game-changing amount or at least enough to fulfill some of your wishes.

It was crucial to break down the underlying reasons that hooked me into gambling. A sort of demystification that made me realize there are a lot of people, like me, who fell into this whirlwind due to personal insecurities, the desire to climb higher in social hierarchies, or the belief in being extraordinary - that yes, most gamblers lose money, but I thought I was above them, smart enough to analyze sports and make the right decisions. No. I was very ordinary in that sense, falling into the same pattern as millions of others. I kept thinking about why I fell so deep, how much the gambling industry has expanded in my country in recent years, and why certain parts of the population are so vulnerable. I found answers that felt logical, which made me feel so much lighter.

I’ve also started analyzing my social anxiety after leaving behind the fog of a gambler’s impatience. I never really tried to understand or overcome my flaws when I was gambling because I was too impatient with life. Since I stopped, gradually and slowly, I’ve been rebooting the process of self-development.

I’ve always run away from people I was afraid would judge me. Eventually, almost everyone became those people in my eyes. Social isolation followed. I felt inferior, yet simultaneously believed in the extraordinariness of my creative skills and intelligence.

I think the core of my social anxiety stems from a fear of being judged or perceived as inadequate by a specific group of people: clout-chasers who strive to fit into higher social classes, even when they don’t belong, and those who value the image of a rich life above all. I was genuinely afraid of encountering such people I knew, and in some ways, I still am. Will notice that this is very limited group of people I know that make me feel so uncomfortable.

For a long time, I wanted to become famous, to impress and intimidate those people - to rub their noses in my success. That was one of the driving forces behind my gambling addiction and my unrealistic goals. Only now am I starting to let go of this and just "watch the party die."

In reality, it’s hard to tell who’s more afraid of whom. Such people don’t even understand why I’m trying to follow their values, which triggers their own self-protective reactions. Really, they may have even more destructive self-dialogue, more insecurities that I am. I now realize I don’t want to impress or intimidate anyone. Nobody thinks about me beyond a few rare interactions. So why am I giving away so much of my life to the fear of being judged by people I don’t respect? I have one life, my time is limited, and I’d rather work on my integrity, live in connection with nature, and cherish time with my family, friends, and like-minded people. I refuse to sell my life to these fears. I I think it's time to let the party die, let the illusion dissipate.

Of course, one thing is rationally forming these thoughts (if they make any sense - I’m not sure how the paragraphs above come across), and another is applying them on a deeper, unconscious level that allows me to act with true respect and appreciation for life.

The journey of unraveling the mess that gambling made of my life is challenging, but it’s also fascinating. I want to thank my fellow forum friends who have helped me the most: Pink Lady, for encouraging and supporting me during tough moments (I still don’t know how you feel the perfect timings for your posts of support); TheBean, for your incredible self-analysis and introspection that always gets me thinking about similar things in my own experience; and Weirdfish, for your champion mentality, right words, the courage to share your vulnerabilities, and the inspiration to keep pushing forward.

100 days. THE FIRST 100 days. Let’s not rush ahead. Just one day at a time, I’ll keep adding +1. Discipline to follow all the practices, like setting blocks and removing triggers, plus patience (recovery takes time), plus constant self-growth, plus the courage to take actions that hurt your ego and scare you, plus a sense of purpose and the deep understanding that I am not a gambler. With this, everything will be alright.

P.S. I posted this yesterday on my 100th day. I had included a link to a song, but since the lyrics violate the forum's rules, I had to repost without it.

There speaks a person who has their life in check. Great read mate and good to see you have some real focus. There is nothing you cant achieve, and you clearly see that you can do anything, on the understanding it will take time.

Gamblers want things, and they want them now. We expect thigs to fall on our lap. They never do, but yet we keep hope. It's only when you quit and realise we actually have to do things for our self that we truly get our lives in order. You speak like someone who has really hit that sweet spot now.

Now if you wouldn't mind being a bit less organised and in control that would be appreciated. You are making me feel inadequate! 🤣 🤣 

A pleasure to read. 

Stay strong 👍 

Indeed, buddy, thanks for your message. If you're able to consistently force yourself into hard physical training, knowing that the results will almost invisibly compound into something bigger over time, you can literally force yourself to apply this mindset to any activity. When you're a gambler, you tend to neglect this long-term vision much more often than when you're not gambling. The further we move away from gambling, the more we heal and gain control over our lives. It's up to each person whether they replace that space with another poison or something peaceful.

Stay Strong!

Day 110: 97/1000 dots have been drawn. Habit tracking is working, and although I didn’t achieve as much as I expected these past weeks, at least I kept moving forward. The system with 30-minute sessions, (that transitioned into 35-minute ones already) feels a bit restrictive, so I might switch to something more flexible but still demanding regular commitment.

I have the desire to build my own blog. It would be great coding practice and a chance to learn something new by organizing my thoughts into writing. I don’t expect anything in return, it's just something I’ve wanted to create for years. However, I always gambled away the money I needed for it, and I wasn’t organized enough to put in the effort.

Yesterday, I deposited the money I need for it on my card, and I started having urges. That’s why I’m writing this post - to help me hold back. I don’t want to slip back into my old life and get lost in it, like in Flowers for Algernon, where the main character becomes incredibly smart but eventually reverts to who he was.

I understand what's pulling me into this mood, and I think it’ll pass soon. But that's where I’ve been these past days. The lack of stability and predictability makes everything feel overwhelming. It’s as if there’s no solid plan I can follow, where hard work will lead to a result. The job market's supply-demand ratio is skewed, and I can’t leave the country. In a little over a year, I’ll turn 25, which means I’ll become eligible for drafting to war. I don’t think I would try to hide from it either. When your civil liberties are so restricted, there’s hardly anywhere to go. If the war hasn’t ended by then, I plan to go voluntarily. This unpredictability in the present, and uncertainty about the future, weighs heavily on many of us.

Despite everything, I’m determined not to fall back into gambling and to keep progressing. I’ll stay organized and disciplined. Long-term thinking and regular commitment must bring some results.

My apologies for the slightly pessimistic post. In the next one, I am reporting on the creation of my website, how cool it turned out, and how proud I am of this achievement.

Take care.