There is no subject so old that something new cannot be said about it.

I am trying to avoid being crippled by guilt but also guilt for not being guilty enough. The only way is to keep doing something, moving forward, taking some sort of action that betters my life and those dependent on me.

I have gambled since childhood. I have had periods of abstinence but gambling has blighted my life. My good fortune is that I have a wife and family who are a basis of a good life.
It's been 2 weeks since I last gambled but it's progress I will be counting, not days.

I know it has to end but is this what I am really doing here? My finances are in a mess. With the remortgage and money and balance transfers and a tax return due in a few days for which I dont have the required money to pay, I have an instinct to just shut down, to hide and more. My head hurts.

Am i a fraud or an incurrable? From GA meetings in my early days to Gordon House, Rational Recovery, Smart Recovery, Gamcare to the National Problem gambling clinic in Fulham and much much more, I am still the pathological gambler with a loving wife and beautiful family who I betray to this affliction.

A depressing post maybe but more a cathartic release as I refuse to give up on myself just yet.

Just carry on not giving up on yourself, I can imagine what you are going through but still you don't give in. Keep fighting!

Wilsy

Thank you Wilsy,

I have first hand experience of how others are affected when one gives up. This will not be my legacy and i say that without judgement as I know only what goes on in my mind.

I was just reading your diary as you posted here.

I went through everything with my wife. She knew about the debts but this time everything was added up together. I looked for disappointment in her eyes but she must have hidden it well. Not just the thousands I am in debt but the many thousands I have spent since we married. In the hundreds, it makes me sick. Not just the wasted money but the time spent pursuing what?

Is this really the beginning of a new age?

We had an important meeting today. My wife came out visually less stressed as it gave us hope that our lives can more or less carry on as normal.

All that is required is for me not to gamble. It is as easy as that

I came to the Gamcare forum many years after talking with a poster in Safe Harbor, a Us recovery site. I made a friendship with someone who now has not gambled for around a decade. One of things she did was immerse herself in her "recovery", spending day in, day out in meetings and internet forums. We had many laughs and arguments along the way.

I am following her lead and enabling small changes on my life because as the old slogan goes and believe me I am no friend of slogans but

" Nothing changes, if nothing changes".

I dont feel like gambling but as a friend just reminded me , the beast will come calling and I have to be ready.

Only 1 step from hell I stand .

I am not meant for this world but I have to carry on for others. The sweet release of death will come eventually. I hold on to that.

The next few days I will be away, on my own. I don't have access to cash or cards that I can gamble with. It is a struggle but I must not fail.

Thanks for your post yesterday IBALLT. We both know any friendly voice is very well received in these darker moments.

Not much I can say that will make you feel any better. We both know how low a person can feel early on in recovery.

All I can do is remind you that there are many open ears here on the forum and many people who will offer support and wish you well. Post as often as is necessary to keep you focussed. Right behind you.

Markman

Markman

I appreciate your understanding.
All those wasted years so close behind are weighing heavily on me right now.

From.a very early age I was hooked on the thrill of the seaside arcade. Then i discovered house racing and bookmaking . I was a natural with numbers and patterns and although gambling was not a fit with a young idealist it was something I could not escape from. It's always been in me, there is no before.
My greatest time of abstinence was using rational recovery philosophy. The beast I thought I could kill and I was devistated when I let it out after a year or so. It was alive and thriving.

I have reached a crossroads. For me and my family i have to take the right road as the alternative is grim.

My recent abstinence is intact

I love Saturdays. Studying the form, taking an early price and watching the racing on TV.

Today I feel slightly uneasy but my abstinence stays intact .

I am tired, I am weary, I could sleep for one thousand years.

I have always gambled out of choice and have always been in control until one or a combination of circumstances happen. A common example is a near miss. Control is lost and money will be gambled at disproportionate levels to bets I was having leading up to this. I'm unsure if this has always been the case or if the addicts brain changes after a time and it is too long for me to remember before this.

I' wonder if abstinence can change the brain but what I'm certain of is that it gets easier the longer you sustain it but only if one understands the bigger picture of who we are and why we might do it can it be forever.