There is no subject so old that something new cannot be said about it.

Although I try not to let guilt rule my world but I have a realisation that certain behaviours of mine get worse the more I indulge so I can never claim to be totally helpless. Our brains may be changed but the disease notion I find ridiculous.
I can't excuse myself. I have betrayed my family. I could have stopped sooner.
Yet I know that feeling when i gamble everything I can. I don't stop till my money supply is exhausted. I max my cards and would bet my house on the toss of a coin.
It's hard to come to terms inside this paradox.

Btw the words may not read well to many but some may understand that it's the way I am going to control my life. Live with some pride gamble free.

Another Saturday where the desires to gamble had faded .
I'm reminded the last time I smoked after giving up for two years. It took three years to stop again.
I have to break these connections in my head. For me it's a mixture of philosophy, action and cbt. That's a simple description.
I have to succeed.

Last night the beast showed it's ugly head and more by circumstance than judgement my abstinence stays intact.

Today I have taken action so I will be safe.
I have many "roadblocks" in place.

I'm not an angry man. I'm just very disappointed.

Keep strong buddy

Wilsy

When I first went to the NPGC, the only dedicated NHS gambling facility in the whole of the UK I saw the consultant who's baby it is. She is a crusader and no doubt has done some good.
Yet she did not listen to one word I said and presumed so much. I felt she used my sadness, my disappointment and I felt so wide open . When I left I had to fight the strongest suicidal thoughts.
She saw my disappointment and I found that so hard to take.

In my darkest hours when I believe I am incurable I am wrong.
Chairman Mao cured many millions of addiction. From that extreme to many moderate ways there are many roads that lead us away from our suffering.
It is all about finding the way and facing that gambling can't be in our lives no longer.
I mourn that I can't gamble again but I will get over it.
It's been 29 days since I gambled.
As they say across the pond.
WTG!!!

" it the ramblings of the crazed "

Deep depression is setting in . Questioning of the pointlessness of everything. Like Sisyphus repeated.

Now I am not gambling all that I avoid when I am is like a tsunami in my brain.

The power of emotion drives me not to question gambling but existence itself .
Life is too difficult, too problematic. Might as well die but I know it's the beast which rumbles in my brain. It's trickery at its best.
That's why a declaration of its my last chance or never again is fuel for the laughter of the beast. Death it dangles in front of you knowing, and so far it has been right, that I am not finished with gambling.
But it is wrong.

One month.

Let me not be so doom and gloom and see that for what it is. I can't remember the last time I was 1 month GF. And all that troubles me right now is always what I must deal with after a long session gambling. Through the other side then there are real prospects to live my life not as a slave to something I hate and adore.

We live beyond our means. It's a combination of a new job and a reduced salary but mainly because of a remortgage and balance/money transfer repayments due to gambling debt.
If I went to manage my debts in another way the first casualty would be 2 of my children. They are at a fee paying school of which I pay only a small part but added with travelling costs it is simply unaffordable. Only because I have gambled and owe many thousands of pounds.
I have betrayed my family.

Despite all the good work I still have a voice in my head telling me how good it would be to gamble on this Saturday.
It is unconcerned how I will feel afterwards and the damage it will do me.
The beast is very much alive but it is primitive and I mock it by saying to myself that I will never gamble again. It hates that.

I have broken the back of this insanity and now it is what I choose to do what matters. In the 35 plus years I have been gambling I have been in this position about a dozen times.
If I gamble today it will probably be years not months before I get significant gf time again. My life is affected more than ever and I'm not sure I could deal with the shame.
I don't think it's healthy for me to say it's now or never but this has to be the time.
What do I do next?
What do I do differently from the last times.
Those are the questions.

I have to beat the feeling that I was never really meant for this world. The absurdity of suicide I hold on to. The making of a meaning in a pointless world.
Yet in comfort I know the place where I'm likely to die. A security blanket to wrap myself in against the world, against the hopelessness inside me.
I refuse to gamble.

You know this time I stopped because my finances reached rock bottom. Only then did I start riding a wave of abstinence
I will surf my way to a relative sanity.

Someone has given me some money to help us through these difficult times. It was not expected and I called them to thank them and I felt rotten inside. They do not know I am needy because of gambling.
Not that I will see a penny of this money, it is my wife who deals with finances but still in my head I was planning to gamble before I had to check myself.