There is no subject so old that something new cannot be said about it.

Nice one itsbeenalongtime, I can relate to what you are saying, pleased for you.

Wilsy

yes, I understand the feeling of getting older and looking at the wasted time and energy. Our minds will go there from time to time. Regret. Still "there is so much good in my life too!" tara2

I had a great day yesterday. A walk in the country by the river Severn that ended with a pint of real ale in a pub. A good family day out.

I am sat in my church, in my temple with three excited boys waiting for the game to start.
What could be better than this?
I asked myself again what could be better than this?
Words escape me they really do so come on, let's see a win. My youngest has yet to see a victory.

Back to work, back to mundane reality. Fortunately I'm still holding on to liking the work that I do. It suits the way my brain works. The pressure and the chess like working out of what to do.

Abstinence is more than intact

I must keep this diary going.

Because of road closures I was forced to drive through Cheltenham the other day. I have been thinking that the approaching festival will be a big test for me but not anymore. This does not mean complacency but just a real detachment and disinterest.
January 8th is still the last day in gambled.

Stay away from delusion

" And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liars chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end "

If only I could save you all from falling off the gambling cliff. I know I'm not alone but in this i have never been so alone and only a waining defience holds in my sanity.

Keep going - your doing really well - that is a massive couple of months ticked off at the start of this year . Think how good you will feel if you make it to Easter without a gamble - that would be a huge achievement. All the best

The day before.
All sorts of plans going on inside my head.

The madness took over, my head pounding, my heart beat racing. I am.a sick man.
I phoned the samaritans from my car while staring at the place of my death.
Eventually I came home to the disappointment.
I can not forgive myself. Despair has become my only friend.

Hi itsbeenalonglongtime,

I read in your posts that you continue to feel suicidal urges and that recently you called the samaritans, and I felt very concerned for your welfare. It is a good thing that you reached out to them, and I am curious if you were able to act on the recent advice from Forum Admin to contact your GP? It sounds as if you feel very isolated in your struggle and are being very hard on yourself. It would be great if you could call the helpline on 0808 8020 133 or the netline, or perhaps look into contacting Maytree Suicide Respite Centre http://www.maytree.org.uk. Maytree help people in the midst of a suicidal crisis to rest and reflect during a short stay with them, and are based in London.

I hope this information is useful; our HelpLine are available from 8am until 12 midnight every day of the year. I am glad to read you are receiving support on this forum and please do stay in touch so that we can continue to help you.

Kind regards

Leigh

Forum Admin

I am very isolated in recovery partly through choice but who is there tto reach out to. you are right I am far too hard on myself and I have tried to call maytree but as yet I have been unsuccessful in actually speaking to anyone.
Maybe it's a man thing or is it just me but what would I say to my doctor?
I am here not because of the support but because I don't know of anywhere else to be. That does not mean I am.not grateful of your words to me.
Thanks