There is no subject so old that something new cannot be said about it.

I am very isolated in recovery partly through choice but who is there tto reach out to. you are right I am far too hard on myself and I have tried to call maytree but as yet I have been unsuccessful in actually speaking to anyone.
Maybe it's a man thing or is it just me but what would I say to my doctor?
I am here not because of the support but because I don't know of anywhere else to be. That does not mean I am.not grateful of your words to me.
Thanks

Can the struggle itself fill a man's heart?

Much has been written about Sisyphus. I am Sisyphus, the bolder is the recovery, the mountain is life.

Can I find happiness in the struggle?

That is the question.

There is happiness to be found on the way but the moment one has to start again is when the question of is it enough is always asked.

I refuse to start that counting says thing. I have always known the falseness of that particular validation for me. So I got to quite a lot of days and spent nearly 6k. Money I do not have to waste. The devistation and despair I felt is what many here have felt at their lowest and I was unsure if I would make it through but somehow like always ( until the time I don't) here I am.

I had 8 pounds and I needed 375 to pay a personal debt. I may be a pathological gambler but I am not a complete fool and know how likely it was that I would lose.
I was in complete control. The first bet lost and the second won. Then that twenty pounds became about 160. Then I lost control after a near miss and started betting on virtual racing .
Amazingly down to 60 pounds I left. I got in my car and started driving. My head was spinning, my hands shaking. I'm just not normal.
I went back to the bookmakers before work and after some losers won with my last 25 pound bet.
Again I lost control and virtual racing was my focus. It's fast and furious.
Somehow I left with 113 pounds. A personal debt part paid.
I did my shift with a messed up post gambling hangover.
I still can't deal with the reality of the near 6k recent loss . Why couldn't i back a winner that day ? still.don't know exactly how much it was.

I'm 48. I have been gambling since childhood.
Don't end up like me. Despite all the bad things in my life I have had so much good.
But I have failed.

I used to have friends like me. All the closeness has gone now. It feels like fate. The hand I've helped deal.
Occasionally someone will email and ask how I am but it's rare now. People move on and life takes over.
I wonder if anyone out there still reads here. Was it mersault or some other name. Who can remember, who wants to?
All that time yet here I am.

New depths from old despairs. That's all that is new for me. What is the point one must ask. There is not a good answer. The damage has been done.

My hands hurt

One Credit card which is enough to balance transfer half of what I owe. Applied for a second one yesterday and within 1 minute I'm accepted for one with a 10k limit.
How easy was that?
Now to do the things I need to do and then destroy the cards to stop any other damage.

There is much that is good in my life. What a beautiful day yesterday with my wife.

I must carry on.

And now I am alone and if i was able I would start of betting on what I believed was good value to win. I have the experience to know though it does not take long for something else to kick in that brings me to bet on everything and anything with barely a pause to even breathe.

Hi there,

Just wanted to wish you luck. I hope you managed to cut those cards up and found a way to stay gamble free. I am only 9 days in but already my mind is levelling out and I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. What is the longest you have abstained for and how did you feel then?

Sending best wishes,

Jam

I will cut them up once they have been activated and the balance transfers made.
I think it's 3 times in my life I have achieved more than a year.
How did I feel?
That is did not want to gamble. I was not obsessing about gambling.
I think I felt great but I find it hard to remember.

Thanks Jam and best wishes to you too.

Over a year is some acheivement. All I know is (and I am no expert) that gambling makes me feel worthless and a failure as well as anxious and pathetic. I have never got to a year but if you might feel great, that has to be woth another proper shot? I am going to a year from now, that I promise you. Join me, and let's feel great together once more? : )

Jam

I wish you well. I really hope you achieve a year and beyond that.

A day of sadness a day of joy.
There is much to love in my life.