I am one who has the makings of a good and happy life. I have a wqife who I love and loves me deeply. I have a beautiful family. I still have a job which pays ok. People care about me, I am not alone except in my head.
Yet this life long addiction has made me the shadow of the person I should be. I am racked with guilt for the betrayals. Death has always seemed like my way out and also a justification of my acts of betrayal yet I am still here after all these years.
I need a way out but is it madness to expect things to change when never they do. I don't want to hurt my family but every time I gamble it is hurt and I'm struggling to cope with that. How could one?
I long for this post to be a cathargic one. It is in a way but I want it to lead to something huge. I want freedom. I'm tired of being a slave.
I had a tip on Saturday. Everyone thinks I'm great because it won. Did it bet on it? No, don't be silly it was running in the evening. My money was long gone before it ran. More money borrowed, more money owed.
It almost got to the point that I hoped it would lose. What sort of person does that make me.
We are in that place again. One where I have plans, concrete ideas.
It's not about not loving ones family or being sick of letting others down or this is the last chance and we must do it now.
That's all the bs I have told myself for years with only limited success.
We all are here because we are addicts and unless we address what we do and change much then others will all be like me having addiction marr what should be a good life.
It is time for me to give up my smart phone. There has yet been no blocking device I have not been able to get round when the gambling mist in my brain descends to wrek havoc upon my life. I'm not so young so living without google is only how life was a couple of generation ago so it is something that is so difficult.
Diet and fitness are two things I need to change. I have a wife that will make this easy for me with her knowledge and habits.
Just three things that will make a big difference.
My brain did not lways function this way but the path to now was started at an early age. In the extreme I can gamble becuase if i lose I can die.
I wonder if anyone else feels like that.
The romance has never died despite the pain and despair felt.
The good information, the value spotted and then win or lose I would not gamble to I spot it again.
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