This is it before I self destruct!!!

Thanks Suzanne! It's time on my hands at the moment that's been my downfall, too much thinking about the big win I might miss out on that will solve all my short term financial problems out!! #fool I will be living by this mantra (remove time, money, location so cannot gamble) for a long time to come. I've jus grabbed a book from the study so intend to get into that to help occupy my mind...could really doing with getting my b**t out for a run and get fit too...but one step at a time!! Lol

Hi Clare,

well done on fighting those urges and keep strong! I have a lot I want to write but we are going out to visit my dad and going to watch the hobbit now so will check in again tonight when we get home. But yeh, I have been feeling very much the same, I guess the key (for me anyways!!!) is jus keeping busy, doing anything at all...as we like the online slots I've hidden my laptop out of sight - thinking about selling it actually...I will enjoy the money I get from it as it's been the tool I've used to destroy our life's with!!!!

will check in again later! Keep fighting and keep strong, these will be tough times for us but we have to stick together and fight our gambling demons!!

speak later, Mel x

Hi Mel

I hope you have enjoyed the film and visit out. You're right, it helps to keep busy doesn't it. By the way - do your family know you are trying to quit or is it kept to yourself for now? I think your idea to sell the laptop is good - especially if noone else in the house needs it (and you have no other methods to access the online slots!!) I know I have been guilty of using my phone in the past which is just as dangerous as the laptop for me.I am trying to keep strong. Knowing I have no 'spare' money to spend is helping; although Ive managed to set aside £20 to go for a meal tomorrow night and see in the New year with a bottle of wine afterwards at home! 😀 I am going out with my best friend who knows everything and she is going to stop smoking at midnight so my chance to show my support. Wonder if I will have to hide the f**s !? lol.

Please keep posting and letting me know how you are doing with everything. Hope you are being strong and take strength in knowing you have our support on here

Clare x

Hi Clare,

The film was really good - there was 8 of us that went so it was nice to catch up too.

My OH knows theres something wrong and I have confided in my mum. I think its so strange that we can come on here and tell complete strangers all our troubles but cant face telling those closest, I guess its down to shame and guiltmof having to look them in the eye and tell them whats happening. I think I should tell my hubby, but when the time is right. When I was on here last night he asked what I was doing (must have sounded like I was writing my life story!) and I told him I was on this website...he gave me a strange look and asked me why? I said "because I like to talk to people that have been sucked into gambling...." he didnt ask anymore but he just knows me too well. Does you family know ??

The main problem with my laptop is that my OH bought it for me as an xmas pressie last year so I worry he might be a bit offended if I told him I wanted to sell it. We dont need it, we have an iMAC too sat in the study not being used, so I think its the right thing to do.

Well done for staying strong and keep posting, good luck to your friend too for stopping smoking! thats a tough one to break aswell...

Speak soon, Mel xx

Hey

Glad you enjoyed the film with friends - it is a good distraction to get out and busy !

I'm glad your Mum knows and tbh I am sure your husband may have an inkling from what you have said. I wouldn't tell my family. I don't want to worry them and they would worry - massively. I am happy to go this with my own willpower and the strength of a couple of friends plus the cyber friends on here! And definitely it is easier to talk on here as you can say what you really think without fear of being judged too much as everyone is in the same boat so to speak. I guess I understand it might not be the best thing to sell last years present, and if you have access to the net in other ways it may not solve the problem anyway. I am still waiting for my friend to come over to update the password on my blocking software and I have self excluded from all the gaming sites I know I am a member of. The temptation is still there but I am focussing so much on getting my finances in order. Long gone are the days where I can say I will just spend £20 as I know that whether I won or not it would be the start of my problems again. Well done you for being strong today too and here's to many more gambling free days 🙂

Clare x

Hey,

I have just read my post back about the right time to tell OH, how ridiculous am I...exactly when is the right time too tell them you have used up joint savings and more, and carried on into alot debt to feed a gambling addiction to someone whos never placed a bet in their life?! oh well, I guess I mean when he finally drags it out of me : / because I havent got the balls yet to tell him myself.

I should add to that I have self excluded from every single online site I have opened an accout with, some made it easy others didnt but I have put up as many barriers I can, but then, I slipped up the other day so I could do better really...I think getting back to work will help me too as its mad crazy busy at the moment, when I am at work its the weekends I struggle to get through. I have read some diaries from people saying that the early days are the hardest, I guess to break the habit so I need to stay focused and strong...and keep posting on here!

Clare - I hear what you say about childrens saving, I have had to borrow from my daughters too in bad times too. Her savings account is linked to our bills bank account so I intend to send money to it monthly until I have repaid what I have borrowed to her, god love her she never asks for much either 🙁 and yes I totally agree, I felt the low when I did it, but my addiction didnt stop there as I kept gambling! why? I just cant make sense of it at all. We are not bad people, we have been sucked into the lies and deceit these sites make millions from hard working decent human beings like us. They have been developed by psychologists and designed to be addictive and get you hooked, it just started out like a bit of fun for me, like many others, but now its not fun, now, well up until recently it was about me telling myself I could recoup my losses.

Keep strong and keep posting!!

Mel x

Hi Mel,

Understand you about OH, it's so hard to do, and there is not going to be a right time, but you will know how to do it, and I guess he will know something is wrong already,

Suzanne xx

Yea, he does Suzanne. I have shut myself off behind a laptop for a long time now...I think he's jus letting me deal with it in my own way. I have always been the strong one between us but this, along with everything else has got me at a loss with myself. But, I have been through worse and I can get through this. I gotta get up, dust myself off and look forwards, not back - I can't change what I have done in the past but I can change tomorrow!!!

Mel xx

Hi Mel,

I'm fairly new to this site and found your experiences really ring true for me too. I too have got myself to the point where I stop gambling - being so overwhelmed and depressed by it, Only to find I'm gambling again a few hours later. It really is the worst feeling in the world especially when you know you are already too much in debt, so I really Understand how you feel. But it sounds like you know what you need to do and have made progress since your last blip - so all the best you are definitely not alone in this. John

Hi John,

It really has been my best move coming on this website and reading other peoples experiences and successes and failures. I was totally oblivious to the damage these online sites can do. I am sure there's many many people that play in a controlled fashion and enjoy it, but for me I understand now that it just is not the case for some (I.e. ME!!).

Do you know what your trigger has been? I believe mine has been through grieve to block out pain of losing people close very quickly one after the other. But it's really not an excuse, I should not have taken it to this extreme but my guard was down 🙁 I am going to look at 2015 as a clean slate, not jus for the gambling but letting go of what's happened, look to the future for me, my hubby and my daughter. I can't live like this anymore so things have to change, I have to change.

Mel xx

PS. All the best to you too John!! X

Hey Mel

No - I guess there isn't a right time to tell OH but as Suzanne said I am sure he knows something isn't right and to be fair he is probably aware of the problem - maybe not the full extent of it but probably knows more than you realise. I hope that if/when it comes to the time to talk things through with him then he is supportive and will help you. Maybe he could be put 'in charge' of all finances perhaps.

I know Mel - 'borrowing' from my kids is the WORST thing I have done for this awful habit and it is the main thing that is driving me to stop. If I don't stop I will not be able to pay back their money and if I don't do it now...when will I do it? By December 2015 they will be paid back in full and that thought is very motivating indeed. I am glad you have now realised you will never recoup your losses. It just isn't going to happen and you're right that whatever money you do win always goes back into gambling and more so we can never ever win. How much we have spent over the time we have played is unthinkable but it is now comforting to know it has come to an end. No more wasting every last penny. Here's to a financially more stable year and creeping out of debt rather than further into it.

Wishing you all the best

Clare x

all the best on that 'clean slate'

well done Mel and happy new year

Happy new year triangle!!

I'm doing so well I have not gambled all year! Lol!!

Hi Mel

Happy 2015 - I hope it brings plenty of positivity and determination for you in staying gamble free.

To answer your question, like you I faced a set of horrible events in a short space of time - my dad died after battling cancer, I split up with my longterm girlfriend and had a major operation all in the space of a few months. However I'm not sure these were direct triggers for me to gamble. I think it's just that after these things happened my life style changed and sadly it became more conducive to gambling. I became a bit reclusive, watched more and more sport on telly (as that's something I did a lot with my Dad). One thing led to another and I started betting on sport just for fun using my computer. Due to the person I am it soon became not fun and I soon got hooked on online roulette and slots. I Started taking out pay day loans and got heavily into debt. Sorry this sounds a bit of a sob story - it's not meant to be. I just think for me, bad events meant my life style became everything an addiction needed to take hold. Maybe that is the same as saying its a trigger - but it just all happened very gradually.

I will write more on my diary page - but just wanted to answer your question and wish you a very happy new year. John

Hi John,

No, I dont think that you have described a sob story at all - I think you sound very similar to me. Gambling gave me a 'buzz' and good feeling (when I did win!) and it was that that I craved in my depressed world. A few months before my friend died, I had a decent win from a £3 bet - I was very careful about what I used to spend in them days!! I wanted to feel happy again, like I did then, me and my family went to manchester xmas shopping and money was no object....but on reflection, it was possibly the worst thing that could have happened to me as like you say, my emotions then and how I was living my life was a perfect scenario for this addiction to take hold of me.

Anyways, enough dwelling on what has been - its 2015 and its onwards and upwards for us, never going back. The next few months will be tough, tough times moneywise until our finances are back in check but when I come out of this I will be a far better person than I am today, I am already feeling a little more postive about life.

I will look out for your diary John! and I will be here for support if needed 🙂

Mel x