This is it before I self destruct!!!

Thanks NT, I intend to come to this forum regularly and use it as my sounded base when the urges are there. I have pretty much self excluded myself from every website going online so I am not tempted right now, but I am very early on in my recovery - and theres a long way to go yet!

All the best to you for 2015,

Mel x

**sounding, not sounded

Hi Diary,

I'm still going ok and abstaining from gambling. I am pleased with myself as I am off work, so I have time, I have money in my account and I am using my laptop so, all the triangle components are there.. yet, I am still feeling sick at the thought of gambling!! I guess I need to remember that feeling you get after chasing the losses so well to get me through this! Its soul destroying.

Be glad to get back to work, I am fortunate in that I love my job so at least I am not depressed about that too, in fact, its probably been what has kept me going other than my family.

I sat and read through Charly's life last night..wow! what an emotional wreck i was after reading that, certainly puts everything into perspective. She was certainly an inspiration to many and I am glad that this site has kept her thread on here to read, she had many words of wisdom that I will take with me on my journey.

Mel x

Hi Mel

Well done on day 4. You sound very determined this time and I'm happy you're still not gambling. Hopefully getting back to work will be just what you need to take your mind off things too. Have you thought about maybe withdrawing the cash in your account that isn't needed for bills so that there isn't that temptation of having money in your account ? I know I am not strong enough to keep the components of the triangle in place. I feel 'safer' having removed the money from the triangle. But sounds like you are doing great and no gambling all year ; let's hope we both continue saying those words throughout the months ahead.

Best wishes

Clare x

Hi Clare - Well done to you too missy, day 8 = wow! your doing fab keep going.

For me, I dont think that withdrawning the money would do any good. In the past, I have quite happily wagered away all the bills money and more, I am / was that unhinged with it all. As we have a joint account my hubby tends to always use our bank card too....I have to learn to live with money in the bank (albeit, not very much! lol : / ) as this is 'real' life and I cannot live how I was. Self excluding from every online site going has removed temptation right now, but I know if I searched hard enough I would probably come across one that I have not excluded from but I am definitely not going down that path. My view is that we have to make changes that we can sustain, like being on a crash diet. Almost starvation at first, the weight falls off and all is well... then as soon as we allow ourselves to eat again..bang! the weight goes back on and we are back to our old ways. So for me, if the self exclusion only does not work then I will have to put more barriers up but I feel I can fight the urges, and this site has given me huge support too. I do not want to go back!!!

Right now actually is a huge test in my recovery, my hubby and daughter have gone off to visit some rellies - I havent gone as I still have the lurgi. So, I am on my own with the lappy and cash in the account but I have the xmas episode of Downton Abbey to watch! I dont have any urges at the moment to gamble, I have told myself that I will not gamble this year (but I really mean forever!)...I hope that if I tell meself enough times the addicted gambling demon in my head will get the hint and do one!! 🙂 lol

NT - well done to you to in your recovery!! And you are so right, definitely one day at a time...this is an ultra marathon, not a sprint - so tiny baby steps for me. Kind of why I havent got into the whole day counting thing at the moment. I have activated the counter on my profile incase I want to see but very much, still one hour / day at a time for me. The longest I have abstained for is 7 days up to press, but I think for me, I need to get to the bottom of what the hell has gone so very wrong in my head that I have become this person I am or was!

Mel x

Hello Mel

Just decided I've had enough of work for the day. Going to watch Martin Lewis I'm recording - see what he has to say about money ! Well I am pleased you are feeling in control now and you can abstain from gambling. At least you have self excluded from the ones you were using - it makes it slightly more difficult to gamble when you've to sign up to new ones. I've had a few moments today where I have briefly contemplated trying to go online but have been able to stay in control and quickly think of something else. Work has kept me really busy at home. Did you manage to keep yourself occupied with the TV series?

Clare x

Hey!

Oh I wouldnt say I was in control, its just that my guard is well and truely up!! It would have been so easy for me to gamble today, but I have been looking into my finances (again!) and it really helps keep me in the real world!! and I have abstained for another day...almost anyways!! and yeh, I have had many thoughts about gambling but my favourite sites are closed to me and I dont really enjoy the others so no motivation to join...but still very very early days for me yet!!

I caught a glimpse of Martin Lewis earlier - he always gives really good advice 😉

I feel a bit crappy still and tired so I have just done some washing and watched the TV, go me! had the lappy on to read some more diaries, new posts and it brought the destruction that gambling causes right into the forefront of everything so I guess keeping that 'sick feeling' after a loss alive is going to help me.

Well done for staying strong hun! keep going, we need to break this disgusting habit!

mel x

Well having your guard up is good. I always find that looking at finances and thinking ahead is a great motivator. I love planning how much I can save for various things ( the hol and kids money I lent are obviously the main priority ) I've also begun a saving plan for next Christmas. One of those Christmas saving things where you save for love to shop vouchers, can't get the money out once it's in so it's more of a guaranteed way of saving up for me. I did it this year and found it a good way to save.

Well done on abstaining today, I know you said it was a tricky day for you and you have done well to abstain. I know what you mean about fave sites. Some are just rubbish so it's good we have both self excluded from our fave ones.

Yeah Martin was talking about kids savings accounts I'll be taking his advice on that matter.

Yes we will break this habit for good. No going back now. Write a list of all the good things gambling does for your life and it'll take no time at all !

Bad things .... The list is endless.

Absolutely no way I'm ever going back.

Clare x

Hi Diary,

Has been 2 days since I have updated and I am pleased...or relieved even to say, that I have not gambled this weekend! I feel evermore wretched at the thought of what I have done, to the extent I have done it, so for as long as my guard is up I may get through the next few days, hopefully weeks, months, years!!! I never want to go back.

I have spent some time reading through some of the threads written by family and friends, some of their comments were very sobering and tough to read due to them being brutally honest, some resentful towards their family member, the despair...I could go on. I needed to read these threads. Why have I done this to us?!! I cannot blame anybody for this mess but myself. I really needed a wake up call and now I have it!!! So much at stake at home and for what? pfft!! What an idiot I am.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my stepdad and my friends death (they passed away 1 year to the day apart) and I did something that I had not yet had the courage to do...I went to their graves and took them some flowers, told them I missed them and had a good cry. It has been something that I just couldnt do before, I hate graveyards. I found it so much easier to hide behide a computer and pretend everything was well in the world. It is not the reason I am a CG but I strongly believe that the addiction got its claws into me whilst I was at my most vulnerable so, I got to deal with whats happened and move on with my life, for mine and my families sake.

On a lighter note, through the sea of gambling emails I recieve on a daily basis, this one definitely stood out - I wont say which company it is but I quote this is what it said...

"I'm worried about you, are you a chicken? Yoo-hoo? I know you're there - you can run but you cant hide! You're missing out...." I mean WT???!! I am not missing out, they are, because I am not giving them anymore of our hard earned money!! How is that responsible...promising me for a £10 I will get 20 spins, wow!! I am a CG I will not stop until my bank account says NO!!! Needless to say, the email is in the trash. I am never going back!!!

Mel x

Hi Diary,

Well, according to my counter I have now managed 7 days (1 week) which is on par with my last relapse, but I am not going to this time!!! Feeling ok but sad today. But I have remained focused that my life will not be ruined by this horrible addiction anymore...life is for living not working hard and scrapping round for pennies, from where ever I can get them, by whatever means, meaning robbing peter to pay paul very month...no more, I officially hit my rock bottom last year. A win thats going to change my life doesnt exist, its not the money. No amount of money can cure the pain of losing loved ones. Its time to deal with whats happened and concentrate on the future.....

I am never going back!!!!

Hi Mel

Hope you're ok and sorry to hear it's a sad time for you. Glad you're staying strong and still determined to beat the gambling demon. At least this is something you can change and make a difference to you and your family's future happiness . I'm sure you will continue to beat this as you seem to have your head around it ... Well done on a full week,

Clare x

Hi Mel,

Hope your feelings have lifted today, I find they don't last long, hey 8 days today, you have passed through one week, thst has to be positive. Well done.

Stay strong and stay safe

Suzanne xx

Day 8

Yes no gambling all year ... Feels amazing 🙂 keep going. We can do it ... the days keep adding up and feeling as determined as ever. I really want us both to complete the 2015 Challenge so we can look back next Christmas and celebrate our success together 🙂

Clare x

Well done on your 8 days . Your looking forward to in a positive way which shows the mind is healing . Keep up the good work I know it's hard

Thanks so much for your support Suzanne and Stephen! 😉 feeling ok today and no gambing urges. Helps being back in work and keeping my brain occupied on better things!!

Yeh, 5th January will always be a sad sad day for us but hoping in time will be happy memories - I lost my granda 7 months before my stepdad (so basically had 3 funerals within 18months!) but its not so easy to come to terms with losing people when they are young...my stepdad was 57 and my friend was 32 - my age!! its just not right, she had children too, so no idea how they coped last xmas without their mum...kind of puts my problems into perspective really. I will repair the damage my gambling binges have done to us and I will learn to have a 'life' again. I should be so grateful that I am healthy and able to think about a future, some of the conversations had with both cancer stricken loved ones had to resign to the fact they were not going to have one. So, I am so determined to kick this addiction and get a life!! lol!

Clare - It will be amazing 'when' we can say a full year gamble free on the 31st January 2015! We can do this!! 🙂 🙂 and we have money in the bank, our kids savings are healthy again and the future will be looking a hell of a lot better than it was at the end of 2014!

Mel x