The title says it all really.
I came here almost exactly 2 years ago with a commitment to stop gambling for good. It was probably during the toughest time of my life and I managed to stay gamble free for 18 months - via gamcare counselling, chatrooms and this forum. Since November 2017 I have been gambling again over the past 6 months and had a big loss early part of this year which made me come back here for a few days but I wasn't ready to stop.
I've been gambling heavily since and to be honest I actually had been in quite a bit of profit the last few months, but it's never enough and I staked some risky amounts getting lucky most days. I always had that big loss in me as when I'm losing I cannot stop - part of the DNA of a compulsive gambler.
Today it eventually happened. It started playing fobt's in the bookies at lunchtime then chased the loss on my mobile phone (something I never really do, gamble on phone) within 2 hours I had lost a huge amount. Tomorrow mark's the 2 year anniversary of a painful time in my life - don't want to blame my actions on that but maybe it has been playing on my mind more than I thought...
I'm trying to not beat myself up too much at moment but definately in the depression/defeated stage. I'm in clean-up mode now again - something I seem to be quite good at, better than I am at gambling anyway. Moved new debt onto interest free account and starting to think about taking it a day at a time again. Tonight/tomorrow is tackling putting blocks in place - software, cutting up cards etc. The only good thing I can cling onto at the moment is that my debts are all interest free for at least 15-18months and I can afford the payments - one small consolation whilst I try to get my head sorted out. I also have some cash savings tucked away which will allow me to take stock and and just breathe. Considering paying off remainder of my first loan from gambling, so it can free up a decent monthly payment towards new debts. But not going to rush into a decision until my mind it a little clearer in a few days.
I know deep down that ultimately this is all due to the fact I stopped investing in my recovery, putting it down to being too busy with new baby etc. But then I found time to gamble these past months so I wasn't too busy to drop in here like I had been doing.
I need to go back to basics - checking in here everyday again, and definately reaching out to gamcare to see if I can get some online counselling again. Really miss the chatrooms option.
Just trying to breathe and focus on some positive steps at the moment, refreshing on what I learned in the past and reading as much as I can, doing this one day at a time again. Hardest thing for me is accepting that I can never gamble again, letting go of something I have done so much of my adult life. But I have to!
I don't need to tackle everything today but I do need to take my compulsive gambling addiction more seriously than ever before or I risk losing everything good in my life and for what? The buzz of 5 reels spinning round.
TM1985, Glad you are back in gear and thanks for sharing. tara2
Day 1 of new recovery journey. Only task for today - do not gamble.
I have the day off work spending with family so will help to distract me and focus my mind on what's important - and all I stand to lose if I do not combat this awful addiction.
I'm also aiming to complete application for gamcare counselling and putting as many blocks in place as possible.
Been reading a few diaries this morning helping me.
Hi TM1985
I'm in a similar position to you right now just three days ahead of you. I had lost the plot over the last month when was abstaining well for close to 5 months and now I have also doubled my debt through crazy bets. We're both going through the depressed stage let's just be kind to ourselves, this addiction is one son of a gun to beat, and we are only human we make mistakes.
Wilsy
Hi Wilsy, thanks for reaching out. You are right, been doing this long enough to know now not to focus on the loss too much. It's done, the money is spent/gone. I can't change what happened yesterday, but I can stop gambling and invest in my recovery again to make sure I do not repeat yesterday's madness in the future.
Had a nice day off work spent with Mrs and son. Gave me a nice lift, but also reminded me of all I have to lose if I continue to gamble. From experience I need to get back to enjoying the simple things in life again. I actually felt a little relieved today knowing I had decided to stop for good again. I had been on the hamster wheel gambling everyday in recent weeks, bit like a rollercoaster that never stops. OK I know I have been forced to get off through my crazy actions/silly decisions yesterday but nonetheless I'm now starting a new recovery plan and fully committed to it like I was 2 years ago.
Other than not gambling today I made sure to do some other positive things. I signed up to a gym membership, something I told myself I'd do weeks ago but gambling got in the way as always. I also completed the gamcare application for counselling. And spent sometime reviewing finances etc. looking at ways to make a new debt repayment plan which is realistic and sensible - meaning that I can focus on recovery as much as possible and not be feeling like I have a noose around my neck in terms of over commiting to finances.
Tomorrow my main task is again to not gamble. But I'm also going to call student loans company as realised today I have only a few monthly payments left of my student loan. I will look to pay that balance off tomorrow rather than via wages over next 3 months. This will free up a bit of extra cash in my monthly salary to use towards new debt repayment plan.
Although I am back to sqaure one, I'm trying to use the tools/advice I gained from 18 months gamble free to make some positive actions now that will give me the best chance of remaining gamble free whilst I wait to speak to gamcare about first assessment and potential for counselling etc.
Stuck to my plan today. I like structure, I need structure otherwise my mind will drift into thoughts of gambling.
Sorted out student loan today, only had a few months of payments left to finish so paid off the outstanding balance with some savings I had tucked away. This will help long-term towards my new debt repayments in a sensible, manageable way that allows me to focus on recovery without constraining my ability to provide for family etc. With rest of savings I had stashed away the past 2 years (when not gambling for 18months) I also paid off the remainder of a smaller loan I had taken out to cover my first major loss - 3.5 years ago. I had been making these monthly payments without fail and had been also saving some cash so that I could pay this off earlier if it made sense. I should have done that a while back. I cannot be trusted to have money tucked away, it is a temptation and comfort blanket that allowed me to continue gambling knowing it was there in the background.
Discovered today the new national self-exclusion scheme GAMSTOP. Have mixed emotions. Can't wait to join, it's what I wish there was a few years back it would have helped so much. I have self-excluded from 2 of 3 accounts I had open and been using in recent months. I've pretty much opened and self-excluded from 50-100 sites over the past few years. Left only one open until Monday due to a withdrawal, as soon as it comes out I will join GAMSTOP and also self exclude from that 1 account to make sure. I have set a cooling off period for a few days in meantime.
Tomorrow is family day. I will not gamble. I will go swimming with son, do some DIY and aim to do something for others and ask for nothing in return.
I have been posting with a sense of positivity the past few days but underneath I am absolutely gutted. If I had stayed on the gamble free track instead of going awol from here for the past 6 months or so I would probably have cleared my gambling debt by the end of this year. Instead, I am now looking at approx 7 years of monthly payments in order to clear my overall gambling debts - whilst allowing myself and family to live a somewhat 'normal' life ie. eat, have the odd day out, holiday etc. I will work extra hard to make sure they don't go without these things but I could be doing so much more with that money that is gone. I have been through so much the past few years and I've been here before so I tend to underplay the value of money and credit card debt but it is clearly not OK and at somepoint it will come back to bite me big time.
Reality sinking in as I expected but staying strong. 2 days gambling free, roll on day 3.
Signed upto GAMSTOP this morning for maximum term 5 years. Although im self excluded from probably 100 different accounts this will help prevent me opening new accounts or my self exclusions set a few years ago lapsing etc. God wish this was here a few years back. But its here now and im grateful for that at least. Online is where I lived my secret life and where I could up stakes chasing losses via big credit limits on my credit cards. If that option is not there then I am much more confident I can take some control and remain gamble free.
Thanks for the gamstop tip x
4 days gamble free. Onto day 5 now.
Today feels like a new start. I've taken the best action open to me at moment in terms of my debts so time to focus on myself now and recovery. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and realised I have not been looking after myself properly both physically and mentally. I have some motivation this morning which I can honestly say I haven't had for a while.
Got a gym induction tonight, starting a new fitness routine, nothing major but going to do some exercise a couple of times a week vs none for past year. Also booked a haircut tomorrow, sounds tedious but something I've been putting off - part of the lack of motivation attached to when I'm gambling.
Signed up for gambling therapy account this morning as they have online support groups. Something I liked about gamcare in past was the chatrooms but they are not back up and running yet. Need to do something proactive also whilst I wait on a response from gamcare re my counselling application.
Onwards and upwards - it can be the only way!
5 days gamble free now. Got some sad news regarding my closest work colleague which I'm obviously gutted about but not going to use as a reason to gamble. Put's things into perspective if anything. I'm going to concentrate on being there for her and taking care of work related stuff whilst she is getting treatment.
Had my gym induction last night, going to start exercising 2 nights a week minimum. Me likes a routine.
Feeling a bit down today - which is to be expected after yesterday's news. It's also wednesday (hump day) and the weather is c**P so not going to make it bigger than it needs to be. And also not going to compound it by gambling. After today I will be 1 week gf which feels like a major step again. Having done lots of proactive things in the past week I feel I have a new start, a chance of turning things around - some people do not get that chance so I'm going to grap it with both hands - for good.
I also have a holiday coming up in 9 days - which is much needed (and all paid for before latest gambling binge which helps). Time away from any devices, bookies etc etc. 2 years ago when I started my 18month gf period I also had a holiday pretty early on and it helped massively to switch off and break patterns etc so looking forward to that.
Spent quite a bit of time on forum today already. Gonna try and log in to a support group on another site today to keep me on track.
Onwards and upwards.
Been fighting pretty strong urges today despite watching lots of addiction videos/reading forum posts etc.
But with GAMSTOP in place now and the massive amount of historical self-exclusions I know I cannot gamble online. And going to the bookies there is no appeal to me as I couldn't stake or win anywhere near the amount I need to eat into debts in any sizeable way.
So only option is to fight through this today, staying strong. Installed K9 software again to stop the temptation of even hanging around online sites - free/demo play etc.
One week on I knew this was coming but I'm staying strong. Going to look at other ways to combat need to have a little break. There might be some sports games online - golf, darts etc I can use to fill the void.
Good new documentary found today: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urwaItY2yQc (Irish TV)
Useful watch but still my most valuable documentary watched is Real Hustle. Gambling Addiction by Alex Conran (Real Hustle): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1W2HqF4x8Bc
thanks for the links TM1985...I love documentaries...and even more so if they are helpful to recovery. Bedtime 'reading' tonight!. I watched on last night on a woman in the USA...jailed for stealing from her employer. It is truely heartbreaking to see how far this addiction can go. Make no mistake...this could be any of us. I dont want to end up there...or worse. Lets not replase...ever. Gambling is the devil...as bad as drugs if not worse.
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