TiMe FoR cHaNgE

09/08/06

1.49 am.....cant sleep.....dont have urges, just feel really low......but kind of used to it now

its already day 9, i guess things are busy at work and just adding to stress

anyway will try and get some sleep early start tomorrow

AJ

Hi AJ, hope you managed to get some shuteye. A few weeks back I had same problem, felt low and couldnt sleep. Was often on here reading posts but it was good we have this forum to put our thoughts down when we are feeling a little low.

I hope you are in better spirits now. It is good you are not equating the low feelings with not being able to gamble. Life just sucks sometimes anyway!!! But its surprising how quickly our spirits can be lifted.

My daughter is a beauty therapist and I am going to have a full body massage next Thursday at her spa, sure way to get rid of stress!!! not that expensive so maybe worth a thought? keep well Joy x

Feeling sooo tired today....a body massage sounds like a good idea Joy......have to be careful which massage places you walk into in London though 😛

Work is plodding along today, have a big presentation to do tomorrow so best get an early night if i ever finish writing the d**n thing! Had to cancel with the sams today as have alot to do at work, not ideal but i think im ok this week and they offered for me to come any time i need to.

Its coming to that time of month again when credit card bills are coming throught the door demanding payment. I missed payment last month on 2 cards, and probably will again this month, but i have let the credit agencies know and they said they let it slide this month with a small penalty fee....b*st*rds 😛

i called the bank and told them to block all online gambling transactions in the future. So thats it. even if i wanted to gamble i cant. Ive never set foot in a casino, and dont intend to. my problem has always been online, and now, there is no way i can deposit, strange....why didnt i do this months ago?....the hope of making that big win i guess which never came and probably never will have.

anyway, I cant gamble. no matter how bad urges get, i physically cant do it. such a relief, i dont trust myself sometimes.

back to work,

AJ

Hi AJ,

Kim xx

Hi AJ,

Apologies for not getting around to reading recent updates to your thread. How are you today?

Best Wishes,

Helen

hi AJ

i am sorry too that i missed your postings on wednesday

like helen, i want to ask how things are with you now??

take care

today is a good day, and i am living every minute to my full potential

aj, it was good to see you in chat todya, and glad that things are looking up, especially with your good news

i meant to say to you that it is brill how a week can turn things around, and its brill that you have come so far in this last couple of days

way to go

today is a good day, and i am living every moment to my full potential

Hi AJ, very brave of you to contact bank. I know they must be aware of these sort of problems, but it must have been hard asking them. So it shows how determined you are.

Glad you are taking such positive steps and it makes me want to stay away from gambling for ever when i read other people can do it.

cheers Joy

11/08/06

thanks for the posts all. im feeling alot better, alot of ups and downs this week, and its normally friday nights i hate as urges are the worst.....but tonight is different....i feel ok, i dont have any urges, i wouldnt mind playing poker, but im not gagging to play

its been a very strange 3 months, up and down, up and down, and non of it honestly makes sense. I find im using the forum less now as im filling time doing other things. Ive got my playstation set up, ive got a weekend routine in place to exercise, go library, meet friends etc and it all helps in not thinking about poker.

I just want to get on with my life now, close this chapter, and move on. i want to have nice things, a wife, kids, go on holidays, have a laugh again, and ive realised its not going to happen gambling. work hard, enjoy life, and everything else will fall in place

onwards and upwards

AJ

Hello AJ

What a great attitude, you seem to be doing all the right things to aid your recovery.

Best Wishes

Rosemary

13/08/06

well weekend has been busy to say the least, but has been relaxing and urges havent been too bad. Last night was weird, i came home and flat mate was wathing a channel on tv where they play poker 24/7. the interface is exactly the same as online and its all graphically done. the stakes were really high, so not even thinking about my problem, i sat down and began watching. i saw 1 guy lose $10000, yes $10000, in less then 20mins. another guy was up $3000 and then lost everything within 10mins. and i said, without thinking..."idiots, how can they do that?", and my flat mate replyed, "to play those types of limits you have to be a pro and have alot of money, they wont miss it"...........

at that point i got up and left. I used to play those limits. I was the idiot losing thousands in a few minutes when it took months to earn. Im not a pro, i dont have alot of money. Those people were probably in a similar situation to me. How can they go night after night losing thousands and not affect them?...it was a slap in the face and wake up call for me last night....i thought i had come to terms with my problem, obviously theres more to come in realising what i have done.

another up and down week last week, and this wekk promises to be even worse. i have 2 weeks off work from thursday, cant afford to go anywhere, and my mum has asked me to come home. I cant stay in the same city let alone the same house as my dad, it'll drive me mad. I want to go see her, and am not going to let him stop me, but its going to be difficult. only thing im sure about now is that i cant gamble however much i want to.

need some time off just to relax. might compromise and stay in london one week and go home the next.

reality strikes.....i remember i had problems before i started gambling....they all went away due to me ignoring them when gambling.......and now they are back + more. cant hide from them behind a poker table this time, time to face upto what is my life and what i want to make of it.

AJ

Hello AJ

I posted you a message on 9th August in "overcoming problem gambling" it was in reply to a post you did to someone else. It was about parents. Maybe you could read it before going to see your parents.

Your idea of a compromise is a good one and at least if you have no money, your mum might feed you that week!

Your attitude to your gambling problem is brilliant, I think you will succeed in your recovery.

Best wishes

Rosemary

just had a phone call from my sister who is so upset. my dads birthday today, he went out in the morning and didnt come home or answer his phone. my mum got worried so went looking for him and they found him drunk and out in the car park, locked in the car. he wouldnt wake up, as much as she knocked on the window. i feel so bad for her it must has been terrifying.

he woke up half hour later and drove home hitting 2 cars on the way. this isnt the place to be writing about this, but i have no where else to go. he has had a drinking problem for about 3 years now. he doesnt know how to communicate he just shouts and argues with everyone over anything. i mean anything. i can see him becoming violent if he doesnt get help, but hes so stubborn he will NEVER see anyone. my poor mum lives with it as she has no one else to go to, and he knows it so he treats her even worse. my sister has had a nervous breakdown earlier this year because of the stress in the house and is still recovering, my brother has walked out of the house a number of times threatening never to come back, my mum has over dosed on drugs, i have a severe gambling problem....we must be the most disfunctional family on the planet. it such a mess. a family with so much potential just throwing it all away. i dont know what to do, it goes way past my problems as a compulsive gambler. how do you help someone who doesnt want to be helped? and if you leave them to it, it just destroys those around him. i cant talk to my dad, its been over 5 years since ive have actually spoken to him for more then 2 minutes at a time. its ridiculous. at least i found the root of my problems from all this, no one to blame but myself. its going to be difficult times ahead. my mum told me not to come home for the sake keeping what i have left with my father. i want to help him, i understand what having an addiction can be like. he just isnt interested in anything anyone has to say.

i cant let his stubborn attitude ruin the life of my family and especially not my mum, she doesnt deserve this. im scared for her more then anything else

AJ

Hello AJ

I am so sorry to hear about your family. I don't think anyone would mind you getting that off your chest here. It is admirable that you want to help them but at the same time don't let it make you turn back to gambling, you have come so far.

Don't think that you are the only dysfunctional family on the planet, nearly everyone you pass on the street will have some sort of problems to cope with, if only we followed them home.

I am not qualified to advise you what to do about this. Will you go back to the SAMS, you can talk about anything to them.

Wishing you all the best

Rosemary

17/08/06

difficult past few days. ive had no sleep, and just been worrying about my future.

i went to go see my doctor on monday, he offered me a regular weekly 15min slot to go talk to him and will prob take him up on that offer. gave me some anti depressants and something to help me sleep. i never thought i would get to this stage.

i think its time to change certain things in my life. im going home this weekend, and i want to sort things out with my dad, clearly we both have issues, but i dont want it to be this way with him for the rest of his life. my work has screwed me over as well, i have been working so hard 10-11 hrs a day, and they arent even giving me a raise this year, even though my work has been praised by many senior management. its time to leave i think, so am currently looking for new jobs. i will have to start with another company at entry level, but i just want to write off the last 2 years of my life and start again.

also went to go see my bank manager to see if i could get a loan to pay off all my credit cards with a lower interest rate. they offered me a rate of 18.8%, which is alot more then my credit cards, so it makes no sense to take it out. mainly due to my crappy credit score, but cant say it wasnt expected.

lowest time of my life right now, probably even lower then when i was having suicidal thoughts. then i just wanted it all to stop, now i want it to stop but i also want to deal with it and move on. theres no easy way to get through this.

people reading my posts must be thinking 'here he goes, feeling sorry for himself again'. i assure you im not, this is just how i feel and im trying to make things right.

AJ