TiMe FoR cHaNgE

AJ

John is right - we obvoiusly want to help if we possibly can but there has to be enough to go round.

There are also other ways of supporting your dad without giving him thousands of pounds. I imagine just being there and helping to sort out the mess will go a long way.

I hope it all starts to get sorted!

Keep strong mate

All the best

Hatch

Hi AJ, I really feel for you at the moment as it seems you are having to cope with a multitude of problems at the same time.

I do hope things fall in to place for you and your family.

Stay strong,

Skippy

AJ, sounds like you are putting your own game plan in to action.

you are there with your folks at the moment, you have done a very reasoned and balanced appraisal of the situation, and i am sure that there is also stuff that you cant share on the forum, but which adds to the full picture, and what you want to do.

your dads problems, sounds like the reason he is avoiding you, but AJ, i keep comming back to this, and i really want to keep reminding you of this - you are doing the right thing by being there, you have opened your door, if he doesnt want to come in, at least you are the one who is acting with dignity.

hang in there, and i am sure you will see an end to this, and a fresh start that will bring u and your dad closer

today is a good day, and i am living eveyr moment to my full potential

Hi AJ, think what the others are saying is right. Your dad is burying his head in the sand right now, but hopefully he will come to his senses like you have, and start to address the problem.

continue to support yourself first and then when you are straight, you can help your dad out, maybe not financially but emotionally. Joy

Hi Aj,

Kim xx

AJ

Hope things are going okay for you at the moment. I realise it must be a very difficult situation and just want to wish you all the best.

Take care

Hatch

Hello Aj.

Was looking up and down the list for your thread and noticed you hadnt posted for a few days.

Hope things are looking up for you and hope to hear from you soon.

All the best mate

Magic

thank you all for your kind posts and thoughts, it really does mean alot to me.

difficult times at the moment, i dont know where i stand in life and nothing really seems to matter its all a bit surreal. things with my father will never change so ill leave it up to him how he wants to deal with his issues, ill always be there if he needs help. gambling is all a bit of a blur, i dont actually remember losing all that money, yet the constant phone calls from creditors and outstanding bills keep coming. but the thing is, it doesnt matter, it doesnt bother me, bills will keep coming and life goes on. i want a better life, but have got so comfortable with the chaotic one i live right now, and having no motivation to do anything, it seems like a cosy place to be. let the bills stack up, let the creditors call, it going to happen, so just let it happen right? is it wrong for me to think this way? getting used to this way of living and not wanting to change? or is it that i need to change and not want to change? apologies for those reading, my constant moaning and negative posts arent the most interesting to read. i spent a good part of this morning reading others diaries, and read from andrews post that 80% of people gamble, 80%! doesnt make them all problem gamblers, but it amazing to think that 80% of people i know are possibly gamblers, and i dont even know it. ive never been in a conversation with anyone i know about them gambling. i dunno, 80% is a huge number, so is this the norm? 80% of people gamble for what? enjoyment? i doubt it. money? probably, have we really become that greedy as a society that we turn to chance, probability and mostly luck to gain money? maybe. its that age old question which is bugging me now.... whats the meaning of life? the obvious answer is what ever i want it to be. but there must be boundries to what i want it to be right? where are those boundries? i can never become a professional gambler, i can never become a pro footballer, i can never become an astronaut etc etc, so what can i be? not whateven i want to be, im set by invisible boundries which slap you in the face when you hit them. hit one with my gambling, two with my father, three with work. am i doing this to myself just being paranoid about stupid things? just sitting here at 2.13am on a friday night thinking what the heel am i doing, i dont know what im going to do tomorrow, next week, next year, ill be gamble free i hope, have a bit of money then what? i hate this uneasy, paranoid, anxious feeling i have of not knowing what to expect. ive talked to my doc about this and he says it will go with time and the anti depressents hes given me, which by the way dont work, they just make me sleep more, apparently this is normal according to my doc? ive been up the last 4 nights, not knowing what to do, i dont want to sleep, i dont want to read, listen to radio, go walk, i dont want to do anything, but i want to be doing something??? does that make sense? sitting around i feel like im wasting time, sleeping i feel like im wasting time, wasting time for what? i dont want to do anything!! its easy to see how confused i am, and im probably not making sense here so ill stop

anyway, all else is good 26 days free and counting.

AJ

hi AJ

just wondered if you had managed to get any sleep.

that was quite a post you made last night, and i hope that by spilling your thoughts out that you managed to put them in to some kind of order.

it may take some unraveling for you, and it may be no bad thing to seek counselling. How about giving the helpline a call and see if they can put you in touch with people in your area.

standing on the outside looking in i can see a young man who is basically good, kind and thoughtful struggling with all kinds of demons and not quite sure which one to tackle first as they are all shouting at you in such a loud voice. A trained professional can give you that support and structure to make a start on the unpicking of all the knots that are holding you back.

your GP maybe able to refer you to someone, but in my experience i found that when i started having counselling from a gambling specialist, that was when i was able to move forward,that is why i think the gamcare helpline suggestions will be your best bet.

but lets have a look at your post, and see if we can make sense of it.

I have picked out what i hope are the main points of what you you were trying to say.

1. father

2. creditors

3. meaning of life and way forward

4. lack of motivation / depression

5. issues with GP

6. gambling free life for 26 days 🙂

lets start with the big positive

26 gambling free days - way to go.

it is possible that in the withdrawal from gambling that your emotions are surfacing at an alarming rate and you are feeling quite overwhelmed. In many ways this is a good thing, but what i found was that when all these emotions started to surface, it was mainly the negative ones - anger, rage, guilt, fear of the future, inadequacy, and finally they swamped me to the point i could no longer see any point in living.

i went into that long tunnel, and fortunately i began to see that there was light at the end of it, and slowly i moved towards the light. You can do that too. As i headed towards the light, i found that gradually the negative emotions were replaced by positive ones. i got very frustrated along the way as like most gamblers i want now, in fact i want yesterday, and the pace i was movign at (in my book) was much much too slow!

So i see your gambling free time as fantastic, but also realise that it is now hitting you with a ton of s**t.

so lets get that plate up in the air spinning and know that you are in the process of a very unique recovery, and that far from a bleak future, its bright!! you can and will get there!!

Lack of motivation and depression

unfortunately AJ, i really do believe that this low mood you are experiencing is part of the process of withdrawing from gambling. In essence you are in a grieving period for waht you considered a very dear friend.

i didnt tackle that one very well. It took me a while to let it go. While i was still struggling with teh letting it go, it took massive amounts of will power to stay away from the online poker. In exerting the massive amounts of will power it completely zapped my energy levels adn left me feeling exhausted and completely wiped out. when i came to the point where i could let the gambling go from me, i was able to acknowledge that for a while the gambling served a useful purpose for me. It helped me cope with life. Eventually, i realised that i no longer needed that escape, because as i got stronger, and faced much of what made me tick, i found that i can cope with life, and in a much more healthy and positive manner.

At that point i was able to wish the gambling part of my life well, and recognised that i no longer needed it, and was happy to let it go. It was at that point that staying away from gambling no longer needed will power, and i relaxed in to rebuilding my life.

i am sure that you are able to do that too AJ, it might take a while, but keep you eyes very firmly on the way ahead. Create a vision of the future for yourself, and each time you feel the fog clearing a bit, revisit that vision.

You can get that plate up in the air spinning by realising that you are not abnormal, but in fact very normal, this a phase in your life that is passing, and when it passes you will be a much much stronger person.

Issues with GP

hmmmmmmm, my doc started me on some antidepressents back in february. they werent the right ones for me, and even with an increased dose i wasnt getting out of the bit. She has now changed the medication, teling me that she now realises that the first ones werent right for me.

think the new ones are kicking in.

point is, if you are not picking up then its possible that they need t be changed, so ask GP if that is in your best interests.

keep in mind though that antidepressents really need about 2 or 3 weeks to kick in properly. When did you start taking them?

where is the plate? - lets get it spinning

meaning of life

Always gets so much more acute at 2am doesnt it???

all the worries, cares and burdens of the day, week, month just rattle around in your brain as you get more and more anxious about not sleeping at the'proper' times

but its entirely possible that now you have realised that you are depressed rather than kick against it, you are accepting that that is how you feel. that can sometimes make you think that its the meds that are making you sleepy, but its possible that it is also your own body recognising the stress you have been under, and kicking in with its own self healing mechanism.

That might be an other plate you can get up in the air and spinning

but the issues you bring up, worry about the future, money, change of career, those will settle in time if you can realise that worry about the future only gives you the potential to develop ulcers.

ACcept the 'who' that you are now, and let the future 'who' take care of himself. The future 'who' will still be waiting when you eventually get to meet him!!

Creditors

stinks doesnt it??

yeppers there is only so much blood that can be gotten out of a stone.

you have put your repayment plans in place, and you are sticking by them. Is it possible to get some kind of agency to help get teh creditors off your back??

so long as you are doing your bit,a nd sticking to teh repayment plans, that is all you can do.

so lets get that plate back up spinning

Father

you have held out your hand, and its up to him to take it or not, but the important thing is that you focus on yourself.

it would be nice to get back oon track with your dad, but its not looking like its about to happen in the near future. Tough as that one is AJ, you need to accept that that is where he is. It's not to say that things wont change for you and him, where there is life there is hope.

My feeling is for you to take your foot of the gas on that one, and relax and wait for him to come to you. That doesnt mean that you go away and ignore him, far from it, but by being around he relises that you are there when he wants to surface from his world.

hope this is a plate that you can get up spinning, if only by relaising that it is he who has the problem and not you

okkies my friend, i have things to do, places to go, damage to inflict, and bubbles to blow

take and email me if you feel that it would be helpful

[email protected]

today is a good day, and i am living every moment to my full potential

thanks Carol-ann, you always bring a glimmer of hope to my miserable problems 🙂

i spoke to my doc this morning and hes going to send me a list of local counsellors i can go see. if i cant motivate myself, no harm in getting others to try.

im back to work next week after 2 weeks off, cant bear to go back, but getting back into a routine may help me feel a bit better

thanks again carol-ann, you spend alot of time thinking and writing your replies, and believe me its much appreciated

AJ

Hello AJ

I feel for you in your situation. I think you have so much going on and do not know what to deal with first. However I think you are dealing with the most important, the gambling. Feeling the way you do and having not gambled is a big milestone in your recovery.

Depression stops you doing things I know, but you do need to get up and out, I know I harp on about this but staying indoors and not doing anything is the worst thing you can do.

Is there no one that can help you sort out the finances? a friend maybe. If you can sort one problem at a time, before thinking about the next one you will be able to cope better I am sure.

It is early days of course in your recovery and everything won't come right all at once, so please don't despair.

We are all thinking of you I am sure.

Rosemary

thanks rosemary

i can handle my finances, thats not a prob as i cant gamble now even if i want to with all the stops in place. i tried getting a consolidated loan etc but wasnt accpeted and those that were had ridiculous interest rates, i think i will be ok financially by the end of the year once i get into the routine of paying my bills on time, just the first 2 months will be very difficult.

feel like a sad case again sitting in on a saturday night for what seems like 10 months running. shame as i know im missing a good night out catching up with old college mates. will be a different story next time im back home

i hope

i was reminded today i owe someone £700 from almost a year ago which they gave to me too look after because they didnt trust themselves as they loved to shop. i said id look after it and give it back whenever they really needed it. the irony is comical. i completely forgot about it and now they want it back next month. great. just goes to show the extent of what i did for that extra chance to 'win big'. i might just be able to squeeze it out and make late payments on my credit cards. theres no way i can ask this person to hold back for a few months as they desperately need it. ahh well, s**t happens right, just get on and deal with it!

i was watching a program earlier this eve about how so many people over the world struggle with the basics, even in moderised countries. food, water, clothing, housing etc are all things i have been taking for granted until now. if it wasnt for my flat mates paying up my sahre of the rent and providing food, i would be out on the street. its a terrifying thought. i seriously dont deserve frineds like them right now but swear i will do whatever i can to make it up to them in the future once i get back on my feet.

finally putting my cv together tomorrow. not in the best position to be complimenting and selling myself, so will probably be an interesting read! will get others to read over it forst before i send it anyone.

well another saturday night in. nothing on tv, no one on msn i want to talk to, nothing to do really, this is the point where id normally sit down at a poker table. not tonight though. watching the fish in the fish tank may kill some time....!

i hate the nights. not been able to sleep, just toss and turn and even when i get to sleep, its that dazely kind where you know youre not really asleep. doc says its normal and will pass. hope so

AJ

Hi AJ, hope you have found something to do tonight. I have to admit I hate fish!!!put a tiny hole in my ex hubbys fish tank(was still married to him then so wasnt out of revenge!!!) didnt kill the fish,(not that cruel!!)but it did encourage him to get rid of the large tank and we ended up with a fish bowl!!! It was just when I was eating my tea they would be swimming around,pooing in the water uuurrrgh and the only ones I like are in a fish and chip shop.

(definitely showing my boredom levels when talking about fish on a Saturday night!!!)

So on a more positive note, you are young, your future will be brighter, and it is great you are curbing a habit that would only cause you more distress later in life, so well done.

So right about having good mates and I am sure they dont expect anything in return, thats what true mates do, help out in a crisis.

Good luck with the c.v. you are an intelligent person and I am sure a prospective employer will see that.

enjoy the t.v. all those great programmes, Love Island, repeat films....heheheh. Joy x

Hello AJ

Haven't seen a post from you in a while. How are you?

Best wishes

Rosemary

Come on AJ, im dying to know if the dinner was a success? 🙂