TiMe FoR cHaNgE

thankyou all for the posts and support. i woke up today after actually sleeping last night for a few hours feeling a little bit more positive. I havent gambled in over 36hours and dont feel the need to right now either.

charly / kim - im sorry for your losses and know that it may seem like a selfish act, but everyones circumstances are different. you clearly loved the people you lost, and maybe they didnt weigh up who they would really hurt after they were gone. but if i look at my life, who would care? i have no friends. my parents have disowned me. i have no other family. its just me and my diary. and lets be honest, if this was my last post here today, i would be long forgotten in a couple of weeks if not days from this site. my diary would slip into the archives like many other peoples have and it'd be assumed i had moved on.

what about all those other people who started diaries? all you have to do is look past the first 3 pages to see there are hundreds of users which havent come back to this site, assumed just to have moved on and past gambling.

but your message hits me loud and clear, and i cant imagine the pain those people caused you after they seemingly ends their own problems. but how i feel is how i feel, and my own situation would mean if i died or just packed a bag and left for another country, it wouldnt make a difference, there is no one inn this world that would care beyond the initial 2-3days. thats just my life though.

i dont know if ill play poker today, but i need to get my act together for this week at work. if i carry on like this then i will lose my job quicker then i lose £1k at the poker table. if i became unemployed, id really have no sense of purpose, at least right now people actually expect someone to turn up and fill my desk space.

Hi RB

You are 100% correct about people not missing you here. We are all here for ourselves. By writing in our diaries it might just give someone else a bit of insight ino how this addiction gets us. Your diary for one reminds me what is witing for me if I want to go down the road of self pity and I don't want any of that thank you very much.

You are the most important person in your life. You have to live your life for you. It is all about you. So buck up and get out there and get your life back on track. It isn't easy but nothing worth having in this life is. You cando it for you know you can. Start today and bit by bit you'll see a big improvement in your life.

Get stuck in now and keep posting your good and bad times.

Regards

Steve E

RB, it's interesting you mentioned packing a bag and leaving for another country. If as you say you have no ties here, why not just take off? You could make a fresh start and maybe leave your debts behind too. In effect, you could kill off your old life (without doing it literally) and try to start over elsewhere? A change of scenery or surroundings could be what you need.

I thought of doing this myself, but have family ties nearby so couldn't go through with it. You could turn it into a positive and say I'm free to go where I want, to try and turn things around.

Hi RB,

I still think that rehab is your best option of a fresh start... all the best.. S.A

RB,

Stay strong man! Don't do anything stupid and don't stop posting. You have said so many times it helps u so pls continue.

RB,

Stay strong man! Don't do anything stupid and don't stop posting. You have said so many times it helps u so pls continue.

hi mancity, sorry to bother you but you have left a few posts on my diary, well i have had a user called pink teddy leave a post, it has knocked me sideways, i thought i would get these type of posts in the early days not when i have been clean for 5 weeks. i really feel like quitting everything now. you sound so level headed can you please read the posts he has left and respond

sorry rb the above message is for you as well as stevey and mancity

after more gambling and more losing the last few days i just feel numb. i dont regret gambling, its my escape from life and i love it.

but i feel a sense of relief. i started gambling again because i did decide to tackle my other issues head on. playing poker has helped me through the worst of it, and i feel im getting through to the other end. maybe when i get to that end i will stop gambling, im not ready to give it up just yet. its my only freedom for now.

i dont feel sorry for myself, i make the choices in my life and i live through the consequences im well aware of this fact. but i still consider myself in recovery.

i might have taken 2 steps back, but i will move 3 steps forward.

HI RB

was good chatting mate,we have quite a bit in common.keep up the good work and keep this diary updated lol

neil

Hi Rb (AJ)

I think of you often Aj

I dont seem to have your email addy anymore would be good to hear from you, either on here or email if you still have my addy?

TC aJ

Kim xxx

havent been here in a while. things have been pretty bad with life in general but i havent gambled in 12 days now.

i lost all my friends over the past 5 years, except 1 and even though i never told her how i felt or what my problems were, i kind of made the assumption she would be around forever. i took her for granted and because she was such a big part of my life, i just assumed that would never change. but she went quiet a few weeks ago, and i discovered she was seeing a guy. my heart just dropped to the floor. it was only then that i realised ihad made the biggest mistake in my life. i took this girl for granted and all the time she had given me, but i couldnt respond to what she wanted because i was so caught up with myself. i think about her all day everyday, and the saying that you never know what you have til its gone is so true. i travelled a few hours to get to her house on tuesday night to tell her how i felt as i couldnt keep it in anymore. and i told her i loved her. but shes with someone else now, i missed my chance, and as long as shes happy i guess thats all that counts. but im glad i let it out, the pain of not telling her how i really felt was getting too much.

now i have to contend with the feelings of being absolutely alone, while the girl i love is with another man. i was so blind for the past 2 yrs, i had the chance to be happy, and i blew it. so im not quite sure where i am in my life right now. im in such an empty place right now. i miss not being able to talk to her.

i dont feel the need to gamble anymore. im not wasting anymore time with that. all my gambling problems just seems so insignifcant to the heartache im feeling right now.

why does life have to be so hard.

so here i am again. after months of thinking i was sorting my life out (and i was) i went back to playing poker.

i worked 3 jobs 16-18hr days for the last few months to 1 keep me away from the poker table and 2 to help pay off my debts. and it worked. i'm debt free for the first time in 5 yrs.

but today i lost £5000 in 2hrs. money means nothing. im just so empty and i dont know what to fill my life with other the poker. i dont know how to relate to other people, i want company but i want to be alone.

i think ive come to realise that maybe im just not good at life. maybe life isn't for everyone? at least i dont think its for me. i used to think i was an intelligent person, had a 1st class degree, a good job, and how quickly it all changed. i cant seem to understand how people are content with their lives. what makes other so happy when im so sad? what am i missing?

i dont know. well im here again, ive closed all my accounts so cant play anymore anywhere. but its not the gambling thats toubling me now. its the fact i dont know what im supposed to do in life. theres so much pressure from other people for things that i "should" be doing, but it doesnt make sense to me. im almost 27 now and ive done nothing in my life worth noting. im really stuck and just plain dont know.

on the plus, im debt free. on the bad im so so unhappy...why wont this feeling go away?

Hi RB

You need to get back to the basics here. It won't happen over night but it will get better. How did you feel when your debts were paid off? You have done it once before and now with self exclusion in place you will do it again if you so wish. Recovery is something we have to work at. Mine is slow but it is sure. It is not perfect by a long way but it is real life. The respect you have lost from others will return but it takes some building blocks of trust to be put in to place.

I would advise you to start posting everyday on here and see what is working well for you and what is holding others back. You should read through and identify with others. I'm sure you know all this but I thought I would remind you.

Take care

Steve E

Hi RB,

Good to see you back posting.

Well I am 10 years older then you and continue to grapple with some of the issues you describe. Seems to me like you probably spend alot of time in your own company thinking that everyone else is gloriously happy and content in life. Well maybe some people are but I can assure you that alot of people arent... but they choose to carry on carrying on.. thats life.

The reality is that their is no quick fix to how you feel about yourself as there is no quick fix to how I feel about myself. I think for most people life really is about getting by with a steady routine, rather humdrum, nothing spectacular.. a simple if rather pre-dictable life.

But you know what thats ok with me.. a steady rhythm.. and every so often something new comes along or i make a little change that enhances my life and I feel a little less sad and a little happier.

Well done for getting yourself to a position where you are debt free.

You do not have to push the self-destruct button again. Choose reality however hard that may feel in the moment. Warm regards.. S.A 🙂