TiMe FoR cHaNgE

30/06/06

Thanks for all the support.

I did a bad thing today. I got paid today and I put it all into poker. I dont know whats wrong with me. i loast another £1300 in 5 hours. This is worse then i ever could have imagined. I got around gamblock and installed the poker app. You really dont want to know what im thinking right now or how im feeling. Why the hell do i carry on coming here when it doesnt help me. Might work for other and i appreciate everyones attempt at supporting me, but ive had enough and not coming back here again. Im so ashamed ive let everyone down, and theres no way to turn around what i have done.

im not telling my parents this weekend and im not going home either, i cant afford it now.

The hell with this site, the hell wil poker and the hell with whats left of my life

For those who are recovering, good on you, but its going to take more for me to get out and get help.

Thankyou for the support, i regret it hasn't been of much use

AJ

AJ

i guess i have just been caught lurking!!!

when i read your post my heart went out to you.

i hope this will not be your last post because i think that the forum has done you more good than you think it has.

i might be wrong, but it looks like you joined us in september. Since then you have had some major up's and downs

i can relate to up - up's and down - down's, and this seems to be a major down.

it concerns me to hear the anger, the rage,the disappointment, the resentment, teh complete and utter hoplessness that you are feeling just now.

it will pass, and you are not a failure, even though that is how you are feeling. You continue to live in that learning curve, testing your self all the time.

AJ - yes you are a compulsive gambler, you know that. Can you take the next step and accept that about yourself. Stop fighting your self. Realise that there is a purpose for your life, and that you are finding that purpose with every step that you take.

if u are not going home AJ where will u spend the weekend? AJ - yes its a b*m deal to be where you are just now. please dont give into it.

Accept where you are just now, and pick up from there. A good start would be the helpline. I think that it is very important for you to talk to someone just now, adn to talk through all the negative feelings that you have about yourself.

Please dont let go AJ, you have far to much to offer.

You can get through this, and you will get through this.

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

"You really dont want to know what im thinking right now or how im feeling."

AJ, most if not all of us here do know what you are thinking and how you are feeling, because we have been there. It's a tough addiction no question about that. But no matter how tough is the addiction, suicide is NOT an option. Repeat...suicide is NOT an option.

Recovery will work for you sooner or later, of course the sooner the better. Stop the gambling and start recovery...it can be done and really it must be done.

There's no better time than today, right now to make a full commitment to recovery. Do whatever is necessary, whatever it takes to stay on that path to recovery.

YFIR,

Steve

AJ, I can understand how you are feeling right now. I started getting urges at the beginning of the week. Totally ignored all the warning signs and went into Arcade on Tuesday. Spent all day in there and spent more than I have before in one day.

Came on here and basically threw all my toys out of the pram. Sulked like mad and decided forum couldnt help as I really needed someone there to chain me up to stop me gambling.

Although next day was on a real downer,didnt try and chase losses, and by third day came back to post as realised it is good therapy and support here from people who are and have been in same situation.

If you were to read Mark D's diary you will see what a tough time he had and now he is really getting there so it can be done and he has inspired me to carry on.

I decided to have a few days "Me" time and that helped me to get things in perspective. I was angry with myself and almost jealous that other people could succeed at what I could not!!!but lots of thinking later, realised I can not just give in as the reason I came on this forum is because I was so unhappy before and needed some support.

If you were to think why you gambled could it have been you were worried about seeing your parents this weekend? I know I always headed for my "comfort zone" if I had anything in my life that was worrying me. Almost like wanting to self destruct.

Please have that bit of "Me" time and come back and try again. Noone on here judged me just supported me. Joy

AJ

You have not let us down, we are here for you whenever you need us.

Please call the helpline and speak to somebody. I think that Joy maybe right in the fact that you have gambled due to the fact that you were going to tell you parents this weekend. When i gambled and i didnt want to face up to something, i used to self destruct gamble as well.

If the time is not right for you to tell you parents, then don't, but you do need to talk to someone.

I am very worried about you at the moment.

Stay strong

Tracy xx

AJ I hope you are ok. You said "you don't what to know what I'm thinking and feeling " I can imagine i know for me i was to frightened to live and to frightened to die. Terrified of waking up as i never knew what i was going to do next. Feeling totally alone as i felt no one understood and to ashamed to say how i was feeling. I lost my home my partner and my family. I would come on here and think how come i can't do this. I resented the hell out of people who had recovery as i wanted it and could not get it together. Over the years gambling it brought me to the point of self destruction and self harm. At Easter i decided suicide was the only option i had left. I researched methods of suicide and chose the place i was going to do it. Thankfully i never as i still had a small glimmer of hope inside of me. When people Would say Mark i know how you are feeling i would be filled with rage and think Bull Shxx.

I'm sorry to say this AJ but i know how you are feeling and what you are thinking because i also have experienced the desperation that addictive gambling brings. It is not your fault its just the way we are but it can get better and will. You deserve to be happy AJ i know you may not think so but you are worth it, you deserve to have peace in your heart rather than conflict. When some one said that to me i wanted to scream at them. I didn't believe them as i thought i was a hopeless faliour. I know now i am not and neither are you AJ. You can be what ever you want to be and do what ever you want to do. You never have to gamble again AJ. You can gain control of over your mind again and make it the servant rather than the other way around. I have faith in you. On our own we cant do anything but when compulsive gamblers come together, helping sharing and caring for each other miracles happen. We start to believe, we gain hope and we realize we can live a life free from gambling beyond our wildest dreams. You are not on your own AJ we need you and you can help so many people. Just for today you have a choice. Just for today AJ you can chose freedom.

Don't Quit!

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest, if you must, but do not quit.

Life is q***r with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,

When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up though the pace seems slow--

You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,

It seems to a faint and faltering man,

Often the struggler has given up,

When he might have captured the victor's cup,

And he learned too late when the night slipped down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far,

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

fellow gambler, take my hand;

I'm your friend, I understand.

I've known your guilt, your shame, remorse;

I've borne the burden of your cross.

I found a friend who offered ease;

He suffered, too, with this disease.

Although he had no magic cure,

He showed how we could endure.

We walked together side by side;

We spoke of things we had to hide.

We told of sleepless nights and debts,

Of broken homes and lies and threats.

And so my weary gambler friend,

Please take this hand that I extend.

Take one more chance on something new,

Another gambler helping you

take care AJ

mark xx

All,

I apologise. I lost my self during my last posts. Friday was most probably the worst day of my life as I hit an all time low. I didn't think it could get any worse and I lost the will to live. Fortunately i didn't do anything stupid, and have had sometime to calm down.

I am truley touched by the amount of response and concern I have had from my outburst last Friday from those on here, I am greatful and now understand there are people who understand what I am going through.

Life is tough at the moment. I came to visit my parents this weekend as I needed to get away, but I cant muster the courage to come clean right now and tell them. It will take a bit longer for me to do that, but I will do it.

Mark - Thankyou very much for your post. This and everyone elses posts made me realise Im not alone.

Tracey - Im sorry. I didn't realise until now that we are all here for each other. We are getting through this together, and I will keep posting as this is the only form of support I have at the moment.

Kevin, Kim, Steve and everyone else thankyou again for your support, it has made a difference.

Carol-ann, I always have a hug for you (((hugs back))) 🙂

Im taking a break from this site for a few days just to get my head around where my life is, but I will be back posting soon.

Thanks again

AJ

in your own time mate but make sure you stay in contact with this place, we all got our holes to climb out of some deeper than others . but there is only one answer , hard work and a long haul but a big prize at the end . all the best john.

Hope to see you back soon AJ, as and when....

Kim xx

Hi AJ, glad to see your back on track. Anytime to need to let off steam just post here. We have all done it and will support you in your hour of need. cheers Joy

04/07/06

Hi,

A new start again. Ive clarified how much i owe, Ive got a plan in place to pay it off, and Im changing a few things in my life. I was on the verge of self admission to a padded room last week, ive never felt so bad before, nothing else mattered. I don't want to become that person again. Im here to get rid of this gambling monkey constantly on my back....it's growing and I need to stop feeding it my bank account. Today I quit gambling for good. The urges are still there, but I think about what happened last week and I can control myself. Enough is enough. No More.

Today I start a new life.

Others have done it, and so can I. I've made a contraversial decision not to tell anyone about my problem unless I have to, that includes family and friends. I got myself into this alone, I will get myself out of this. After all the advise everyone has given me, I know not many will understand my decision, but Ive made it and hope they can accept it.

This month will be difficult, I will have to miss credit card payments, I haven't even figured how I will get to work tomorrow morning. I have nothing. Liofe goes on, I can choose to sulk about it...or just get on with it. I choose the latter. Nothing can change what has happened. I have a good job, good career prospects, Im young and can get through this. All I ask is the continual support of those on here and I will continue to post and support others where I can.

2 years is what i need to get back on my feet. A long time, but I know it can be done. I don't want to keep snapping at every little thing like I do now, its not right and Im pushing those closest to me away.

Recovery is what I start today. No more slip ups, no more sulking, no more digging myself into a deeper hole. Today I start climbing out of this hole, and I know with the help and support of others here I can do it.

July 4th 2006, the day I made the choice to save myself for a better future.

AJ

AJ

Good for you, i am glad that you have sorted yourself out.

July 4th - Independance Day - its a great day to become recovering gambler.

If you dont want to tell your friends/family then that is your decision, but do phone the helpline if things get too much. In addition to just being able to talk about things, i found that passing my finances over to somebody else helped as i didnt have access to any excess money that i had..but that is me and that may not be right for you.

As always, we will always be here for you when you need to talk.

Stay strong

Tracy xx

AJ. reading your post makes me feel as though i can breath again for you.

you had us hanging for a while on friday, but isnt it amazing what the difference 4 days can make.

i have been there at that place too, its a lonely place to be, and its a place that i dont think we would want to wish on our worst enemy.

the fact of the matter is that you can either sink or swim. i have been drowning so many times i have lost count, but when it seems so overwhelming something always - usually - happens to change that.

it can be a little thing or a major thing, but something happens to change the mind set, and help us move on.

you may well still be feeling raw and fragile, but hang on to what ever it was that gave you that turning point, and hopefully you can gain strength from it and move on.

stick with us my friend, and i look forward to seeing you proudly charting your porgress

AJ Im here to get rid of this gambling monkey constantly on my back....it's growing and I need to stop feeding it my bank account

That is a good way of summing it up and I shall remember that and even visualise this thing withering away due to starvation.

I think we are on the same wavelength here as I am more determined than ever. So lets show noones going to make monkeys of us anymore!!! Joy

well done mate glad your back lots of us looking out 4 you keep posting mate all the best john.