hang in aj it'll be worth it allthe best john.
15/07/06
Thought id never make it through last night, but thanks to the guys on msn for their support.
Made it to day 12 and this weekend should be ok as ive got things to do.
I did a strange thing last night. I woke up, put on a pair of jeans and went back to sleep. woke up this morning and thought what the......? I know for a fact i didnt go to sleep with them on, they were hanging in the wardrobe on a hanger, im not one for sleep walking but might be due to last night being rough and the first night i got some sleep in 3 days.
Was very strange though
Anyway, im off tot he library for a quick read, then meeting friends in the park for a game of footie, then round to families for evening dinner, so today should be cool. Tomorrow my mum is coming to visit. I spoke to her on the phone yesterday and she was talking about how i should now by a flat with all the money i must have saved in the past 2 years.....
itll be nice to see her though so looking forward to tomorrow.
Urges are not too bad today, i feel like poker but can actually concentrate on other things.
Been looking into setting up an online website selling gizmos and gadgets, seems like a good idea, but needs alot of research, but have plenty of time for that now 🙂
I never really thought about underprivileged people, people in poverty, people with fatal diseases, disabilites, etc until now. Being in this position has made me think, and made me feel a little guilty for just taking the simple things in life for granted. I didnt have the best childhood, but my parents worked hard and not so great jobs and i never asked them for anything and still dont. i guess i wanted a life where i wasnt dependant on money, one where i could enjoy the luxuries i see the rich and famous have, one where money can buy me happiness.
I understand now money wont buy me happiness, the luxuries of life will come if i work for it, theres no easy way to it, if i work hard like i have done upto now, ill be ok. I was already happy before is started playing, its funny how you dont know what you had (not talking about money!) until you loose it.
AJ
I understand now money wont buy me happiness, the luxuries of life will come if i work for it, theres no easy way to it, if i work hard like i have done upto now, ill be ok. I was already happy before is started playing, its funny how you dont know what you had (not talking about money!) until you loose it.
That is so true, AJ. The best way to establish financial security certainly isn't through gambling!
Cass
16/07/06
Was feeling good this morning, but then went to visit family who are here from the states. They all get along so well, have been bought up well, very successful careers, all the things that i wont and dont have. Im probably ranting on about nothing, be im not happy with my life at the moment, and seeing others who enjoy life so much is very difficult for me. Its not the right way to think I know, but its how i feel and cant change that just yet.
2 weeks tomorrow. Its getting easier to stay away from poker, but harder as the realisation of life and what i want out of it becomes clearer and seems so so far away. I hate my job, my social life has disappeared, I dont talk to any family, I just miss being happy. I know it will take time, and if i get through this i will look back and never want to return, but while im living it, it is extremely torturous and difficult.
There will be brighter days ahead, i will get through this.
AJ
Hi AJ, we can all feel a bit insecure about things when we meet other people who seem to have it all. But you are young enough to still achieve that. You can come thro this and go on to get what you want out of life.
Remember that Poker brought you to this forum, and much as I enjoy your postings I cant wait until you know longer need to!!!(meant in the nicest possible way.)
As you say, brighter days ahead. Joy x
one thing at a time mate , a bit of a ramble and deep thinking is good for me ,it shows your blowing away the cobwebs and your mind is seeing hey there is a real world!concentrate hard on offloading the gambling monkey and you will see a change in yourself which will be noticed by others. tell you another thing mate i bloody hate my job but over the past few weeks it aint seemed too bad!! you cant help but get a different outlook when your not giving away precious time and money you may or may not have. you will slow down aj and look at everything differently everything will SLOWLY change , as long as your clear that you wont gamble mate you have just opened the door on a new life. DONT GO BACK!! its all there for you mate 1 day at a time is the key youll have read it plenty on here , but its true. all the best john.
Hi AJ,
I recieved this this morning, and think it says a bit about where you are right now?
Take Care
STAY STRONG
Kim xx
July 17, 2006
Effort And Understanding
Having It Easy
Our lives are an exercise in facing challenges. We dream the grandest of dreams as youngsters only to discover that we must cultivate copious inner strength and determination in order to meet our goals. Our hard work does not always yield the results we expect. And it is when we find ourselves frustrated by the trials we face or unable to meet our own expectations that we are most apt to take notice of those individuals who appear to accomplish great feats effortlessly. Some people's lives seem to magically fall into place. We can see the blessings they have received, the ease with which they have attained their desires, their unwavering confidence, and their wealth. But, because we can never see the story of their lives as a whole, it is important that we refrain from passing judgment or becoming envious.
Throughout our lives, we glimpse only the outer hull of others' life experiences, so it's tempting to presuppose that the abundance they enjoy is the result of luck rather than diligent effort. In a small number of cases, our assumptions may mirror reality. But very few people "have it easy." Everyone must overcome difficulties and everyone has been granted a distinctive set of talents with which to do so. An individual who is highly gifted may nonetheless have to practice industriously and correct themselves repeatedly in order to cultivate their talents. Their myriad accomplishments are more likely than not the result of ongoing hard work and sacrifice. You, no doubt, have natural abilities that you have nurtured and your gifts may be the very reason you strive as tirelessly as you do. Yet others see only the outcome of your efforts and not the efforts themselves
Our intellects, our hearts, and our souls are constantly being tested by the universe. Life will create new challenges for you to face each time you prove yourself capable of overcoming the challenges of the past. What you deem difficult will always differ from that which others deem difficult. The tests you will be given will be as unique as you are. If you focus on doing the best you can and making use of the blessings you have been granted, the outcome of your efforts will be a joyous reflection of your dedication.
21/07/06
Haven't posted in a while. 18 days of not placing a bet and i dont know if things are better or worse. I expected some highs and lows during the first few weeks, but so far it has been all low.
I cant hold a conversation with anyone for more then a minute before they get bored and walk away, I always feel as if im being judged even by people i dont know, my manager at work is giving my responsibilities away to other people, i feel like a miserable b*****d all day, cant remember the last time I smiled, or cried to be honest. just have so much feeling bottled up and and sooner or later i need to let it all out
How can i forget. Credit card payments are due on monday. Called the bank and they said it would cost me £25 for a late payment. Ho w banks can turn a blind eye to gambling to make money for themselves like this is truely unbelievable. Its like a doctor injecting a diabetic person with sugar - apologies for the interpretation, but the principle is the same. That was just one bank. The other credit card company asked me to find other means of payment, when i asked for an example, they offered me a high interest loan. Do i need to comment? They are also charging me for late payment.
Im supposed to be working today, but have lost all motivation to do anything. Its not a big issue at the moment, but i need to knuckle down over the next few months else i risk losing my job.
I turned on the tv earlier this week, dont know what was on, but the guy said 'Pain is temporary, Pride is forever'. Im trying to take some pride in this recovery, but looking back theres only shame. Its so easy to look at what others do have and what i dont. This weekend a close family member is getting married, he has a new life, nice car, nice flat, hes a self made millionire, down to earth guy, and more...everything i want to be and have. It seem like an impossible task to get to this level. Its ridiculous to think I cant even old a conversation anymore, my self confidence is at an all time low. To make it worse i have put on 10lbs!
Some will read this and say 'AJ, see your doctor, see a counsellor, call the helpline, get professional help'. Its a big no no for me at the minute. I know i need some professional support, but im far enough from a breakdown for that just yet! I dont like being around other people. I get annoyed and frustrated by the littest things. THIS ISN'T ME!!!!
Im not going to gamble. I know that much. Its coping with all the side effects thats the difficult thing now.
I used to love a challenge, its what got me through life. But this challenge is a beast, a hill Im trying to climb with 6 people strapped on my back. I know others out there feel the same and are going through similar things. Maybe i need to me time away somewhere to clear my head.
I think what i miss the most is not having a partner. i havent been in a relationship in years. I can imagine the reponse i get on dae 2 where i say 'oh yeh, and im a compulsive gambler'.....will go down a treat....but i need to loose this extra weight first! Plan to join a gym as soon as i can afford it.
Well thats my rant and rave of the day. The weekend is almost here, the sun is out, im at 18days, and in time things will get better, so theres something to look forward to i guess?
Have a good weekend all
AJ
Hi AJ,
Thank you for the update.
I'm sorry to hear you feeling this way. I hope you will believe me when I say that we are certainly not bored and will not judge you, so I hope you feel free to express yourself freely here.
You mention that you are not ready for any telephone or face-to-face support, so I wondered whether you would be willing to talk to us via the chat sessions?
With best wishes,
Helen
[IF]
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!
--Rudyard Kipling
aj mate for what its worth i relly think a phone call to helen or one of her colleagues is vital for you at the present. now im not qualified to give yhat advice i know but call it a feeling mate. the other reason i want you to call them is to see if they can point you in the direction of a body that i know exists to settle with creditors/debters where you only pay back what you can afford. im certain something like this exists where you will only pay back a percentage of what ypu owe. please call them mate and just maybe they will help you find out the way to go about it . all the best chin up john.
hi AJ, John is correct in saying there are organisations out there. My brother was going to declare himself bankrupt, however there is a legislation which allows him to only have to pay back a percentage. He had to go to police station and they confirmed his identity on back of photo, he submits all his earnings etc. but not half as bad as going bankrupt. And he will only have to pay back so much so will be clear and able to build up a credit rating again.
Sorry to hear you are feeling so negative about life at the moment. I really do think it is withdrawal symptons and I went thro it but am feeling so much more positive now they are fading. Of course we wish we could wave a magic wand and have a clean slate without the debt but everyone has done something they wish they hadnt.
So keep being strong and you will come out the other end a much better happier person.
The sunshine is a great anti depressant recipe so go out there and chill out with a beer, have a wine for me too!! cheers Joy
Hi AJ
Firstly, congratulations on reaching your 18th day, that is a big achievement and you should feel proud.
Secondly, i know ive said it before but i have to say it again...call the helpline or the samaritans or somebidy that you can talk too, you do not have to do this on your own and you will feel a hundred times better when you do.
As for your family member, i can understand you feeling the way you do about him being where you want to be, but baby steps are needed at first, you cannot achieve everything at once. If you could i would be a rich non gambler and people would be calling me twiggy, but it just doesnt happen like that.
That said, you are doing great and remember we are always here for you.
Tracy xxx
Just to echo others thoughts AJ
Hang in there bud
Take Care
Stay Strong
Kim xx
22/07/06
Thanks for your posts above.
Apologies in advance for the swearing.
For f*** sake. the weekend urges are bad enough for me, but now i think i know why i started gambling and what sets me off. My dad. Hes round this weekend, and is doing my head in. He never showed he cared whilst i was growing up and the second i did anything wrong i was the devils child and didnt appreciate anything he did for me. I have never asked for anything from him, yet im in debt to him for eternity? fair enough he is my dad, but he doesnt appreciate anything anyone does for him, he just argues with everyone, doesnt respect anyone, and just generally doesnt give a s**t, but yet its ok for him to have borrowed thousands off his own family in the past, and continues to take money from me and others, with no intention of paying it back?. and worst of all my mum is finding it extremely hard to cope with his bad temper and short fuse, luckily it hasnt got violent, and if it does theres no telling what id do....
anyway, point is, i dont get on with my dad, i dont like anything he does, and quite frankly, i hate him. very harsh i know, and if it makes me a bad person for feeling this way about my own father, then hey, im sorry, but its true.
its a deep routed problem i know. but after watching him belittle my mum again about her cooking (which is very very good by the way :-))i downloaded a poker app and deposited £50 from my credit card. but before i sat down on a table i rethougt about what i was doing and cashed it out again before i did, but i was so tempted to play. d**n it, why do things go from bad to worse
i cant stand the way he talks to anyone, and i feel as if apart of him is showing in me due to my gambling and the way i behave now. i dont know anyone as stubborn in my life.
theres alot more to this, but this is not the place for it as its issue outside of gambling, but i hope people can see why telling my family is a no no. he controls my mother and siblings, anything he says goes, and me being a 'rebel', if he found out, id lose contact with the rest of them
but i havent gambled, im still fairly strong, i just wish he'd go home and leave me alone
AJ
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