I have tried for so many years to beat this disease but something just keeps drawing me back. I have been to GA, had CBT and one to one counselling and as yet although I have had periods of abstention I have never managed to get this horrible illness out of my life.
Depression and gambling have become the norm for me over the years - one feeding the other until I have nothing left to fight with. The main hurt is not to me but to my family - my wife and two children who have put up with so much S**t to last five life times. Some say I am selfish to do this - maybe I am but I disagree. I simply cannot control it - the urge beats any feelings I have to resist especially when I am in many many bouts of depression. I don't go out to rip my family apart and feel like the s**m of the earth - yet I find myself too often in this position.
I gave up for nine months while undertaking counselling. Did the counselling help? Looking back I would say No - it was at that time a period of positive attitude and a time in my life where depression had not won and broken me. I think the good point was having to turn up and confirm I had not gambled, I always said I would not go if I was not truthful so this helped in some ways to be a driver. However in the cold light of day - the counselling didn't help because I am back here after a few other failed attempts.
Therefore it comes down to YOU to be the master of your destiny - the problem is once you have that first bet the spiral begins - betting / depression - depression / betting until yet again you destroy those who you love and end up becoming nothing. I have felt suicidal on many occasions, thought about how I could do it - but I am GUTLESS. People say it’s a coward’s way - but it’s not, just think how low you must be to feel like this and there is courage required to see it through (my Opinion only). So I struggle on hoping one day I will beat the gambling and depression and just be 'Mr. Normal'. That all I want really - not to feel the way I do now and hurt all around me.
What hits home in when people you know in there early thirties die. They loved life and their families and would do anything for them? Why can't I - I love my family yet cause heartbreak. I have the gift of life and I waste it becoming a person I don't want to be. How can my children have any respect for a man who destroys all that is good through cheating and making himself often a 'nasty' person to be around? I can be the best dad I know I can - but this seems to be forgotten through the tired moments when I want to do is lie on the settee and bet or just sleep because I feel so rubbish.
I have lost over £5k in a few days, but the money to me has become irrelevant - it is the feelings of failure that blight my life. Losing by 0.5 point is like a crushing defeat and feeling inside - the thrill has most definitely gone. I would gladly give up 3x as much if this would just stop - I just want my life back!!!! Debt has become the norm from bankruptcy to now seeking an IVA - but money is not what it is about. I don't even think about the money really anywhere - Win or Lose - it’s all about that short buzz I get from watching a result in play on my phone - for that time depression, money and life problems are a distant thought - until the end and the relisation comes crashing down.
So today I try again - suppose that is all I can do... Can I see a way out of this darkness? No at the moment and I fear I am destined to live this live until the day I die. But I must try - I have a family I love - maybe my actions show differently but I truly do. Therefore I am going to use this to monitor progress and remind me just how bad life can be.... by 34 will I be gamble free? Let’s hope so for my Family and I's sake.
Hi,
I just wanted to say I hope u r ok, u can do this!
Keep posting and you will get lots of support here!
Take care x
Well sat at county court waiting to be declared bankrupt for the second time in ten years. Feeling slightly relieved that the debt worries will hopefully soon be gone and then my focus can be on making sure I don't gamble again.
Part one of getting my life back nearly over!!!
Hi
Hope court went as well as expected. I can relate to a lot of things you said in your post especially about w by do you do this when you love your family. I think we all ask ourselves the same question as well as our loved ones. They don't and probably will never understand it but then do any of us and the answer is no because if we did we would not go back time and time again knowing we will eventually get the same outcome. That is why it's an addiction, there is no logic to any thing we do when the gambling takes a grip.
You said you had 9 months gamble free and life was good.gambling and depression go hand in hand and I have often askedmyself, do I gamble because I'm depressed or am I depressed because I gamble? And for a lot of us I am sure that we don't know, as the line is very blurred. Now I have refrained from gambling for three months I feel so much less depressed, positive most the time and when I do feel depressed I know its not because I have gambled. I think this is key to be able work out the reason to why you are depressed outside of gambling. Gambling is just another contributing factor but once this is gone then maybe you can figure out the rest. Our own destiny is in our own hands and only we can make the changes to stop the depression and the things we can't change we have to learn t deal with in a more effective way. We are alldifferent but I can relate to everything you have said.
Sending my support to you on your recovery. Stay strong!
Take care
Bex
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