Hi everyone,
I hope your all as well as you can be. I’ve been reading some really positive diaries on here and it’s really making me think I can do this.
So here we go again...... The thorn in my side is gambling. Do I enjoy it? Yes. Do I enjoy losing money? No. Do I see what it’s doing to me as a person? Yes. Can I see it costing me everything I have? Yes. Do I want to stop gambling altogether? 100% yes. These are all things I know and yet I still choose to continue playing those stupid machines on that daft game 20p roulette, the one that I know where the ball is going to land as soon as I’ve spun it. I just can’t control myself on them. I go in with the intention of spending £20 on them and as soon as that is lost the chase begins which on some occasions has been a £1000 -£1200 loss within an hour or two. No other types of gambling grabs me as much as these do and I can limit myself with other types of gambling. But these not I just keep going and going. I am self excluded from all the shops in my town and surrounding towns and places that I do visit sometimes. But there are always those bookies lurking whatever corner you look round and the self exclusion I have breached a few times without the staff members even having the foggiest.
I am married and do have a baby and don’t want to sound like I’m bragging but couldn’t be anymore luckier to have them and with life there isn’t anything more that I really want than I already have. I am so lucky. So I don’t understand why I play these machines and waste money on them when I could either be spending that money on them, saving it or just spending time with them. The worst thing is my wife doesn’t have a clue and I really want to tell her but I’m just so scared that she will leave me and lose everything. My wife’s mother has a drink addiction and though she understands addiction, I don’t think she could cope knowing her husband/ babies father has an addiction. I am in 14k worth of debt and even though I am fortunate to be in a job where I can chip away at it quickly. Continuing to play these machines is obviously having the opposite effect on me. I am an absolute disgrace to be hiding this from her, it’s such a lie. I have never stole or taken money from her to gamble. My loses have always been picked up by my credit cards. But that is our money so technically have even though we both manage our money separately being full time employed. I have just renewed my self exclusions and having been gambling for a few months, last December I did quite until May this year which I found quite straight forward. But a day at the races for my friends birthday triggered it back off with them machines being there and having a few drinks that since then I have just thought who cares :(. I am going to take it one step at a time and my first goal is one week. Here it goes. Thank you.
First day and I’ve failed already been in the bookies and won. The worst thing that could of happened. The urges are gonna continue I need to find the will power to just get past those first few urges and hopefully can then power on forward.
You can do it man. Your story sounds way too similar to mine. I only snapped out of this gambling hypnosis when I spoke candidly to people who continued down this path and lost it all... House, wife, kid, car, living back with parents. Some even were sectioned because of this illness. I met these people at GA and in many ways i am indebted to them for sharing their stories with me and making me realise this path is waiting for me if I continue.
Ps with all due respect mate you didn't win today. You are 14k in debt. You will never win, you lost a long time ago. The only way to win this is to accept defeat and SEEK HELP. GA, GP, therapy... Try it all and see what works for you. Relying on willpower alone is risky my friend... I would hate for you to be posting on here that you're sitting in a travel Inn hotel after losing everything you have and all you can think about is why you didn't look for and accept the help you need to beat this when you had the chance. You love your wife and kid so much so don't gamble with their future. They deserve better... That's what I had to tell myself anyway. Good luck comrade
So so true, u didn't win, u lost 14k, if I added up how much I've lost it would be a lot. We just seperate out the wins and losses, if everyone could see the net loss bookmakers would make a lot less that's for sure. Cut ur losses mate .
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It just sounds like you want to stop losing. We've all been there. What have you really tried to beat this? Tell yourself to stop? If/when you really want to stop you need to be tough, open and honest. You can't trust yourself, you can't rely on willpower and hiding is just another trait of a compulsive gambler. Sometimes it takes getting deeper to get out but do you really want that because thats were you are heading.
None of us are winners until we accept that. Money is irrelevant, we all lose. We just have different levels to how far we can go with credit or until that amount of debt scares us to change. While you gamble you aren't there. You aren't that person you want to be for the people you love. Only you can change this but you have to choose to make them changes and take real steps and put real effort into recovery.
You might not be feeling or telling yourself this but its your choice what happens next.
All the best.
Thank you for your posts and you are so true in what you say. That money has gone and I am never going to get it back. There is only one way to pay it off and that is through hard work and saving. Not chasing this endless fantasy of winning the money back. It’s daft. 14k in debt but the money lost gambling doesn’t end there I estimate it to be somewhere around 50k over the years. I am going to look in to counselling and may even mention it to my gp to see if they can offer this support? Has anyone spoke to there GP before about it? Gamcare have said there is a counselling but isn’t local but have mentioned the face to face over the internet which may be more ideal for me with where I live etc. I have never attended a ga meeting and do think it will be good to speak to other people’s in the same situation and hear there stories. Yesterday when I was spinning £50 stakes a man came over to me and seemed a nice bloke and started speaking to me. But has a terrible addiction to the fobt machines. Him being 50 and me being younger he could see how reckless I was gambling and told me his story. It was heartbreaking two marriages, good jobs lost, trouble with the police for credit cards etc.... he wanted to change but couldn’t and has tried all sorts. I really wish him the best but it seemed like he had given up and accepted it. I know I am going to get myself in to a similar situation if I continue. He has brought me back here and I am going to continue to write in my diary everyweek whatever happens. In the past I’ve been too embarrassed to come back on here after losing the power to stop gambling. Will keep this up to date. Thank you.
Back to step one.
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