Time to start my diary ...

Just want to say well done for heading home.
Such honesty from you, such wise words from ODAAT.
Wishing you a well deserved, wonderful evening x

Little miss lost wrote: Wishing you a well deserved, wonderful evening x

Thank you LittleMissLost - I'm not sure it's well deserved because I feel like I deserve a big clonk over the head rather than a pat on the back. But I'm so glad I said no to my gambling urges. I've made some sort of nonsensical division in my head between land casinos and online casinos - giving myself a bit more generous leeway when it comes to gambling in 'real' casinos - but I know it's all a lose-lose situation and I need to steer well clear of both.

It's hard to explain and sounds feeble and clumsy when I try to explain it, but part of me struggles with the madness and sadness of this life, and sometimes going into selfish self destruct mode seems like an easy way forward. Yuk! A weak, wasteful and dispicable attitude, I know. Which kind of makes it worse.

I feel like I'm 90% positive, creative and forward moving most of my life but when I dip, I dip badly. Like I said, a good knock over the head is what I need. Although the truth is it's not a knock on the head I need, it's this forum - it's saved me time after time.

Morning Equinox

Think you need to go a bit easier on yourself. You allowed yourself to get into a position where the triangle was in place (not so good) with cash in your hand, a casino available and time on your hands. You saw a potential for gambling so you broke the triangle by telling your wife that you would be home soon so the time bit of the triangle broke and you could not gamble. Job done.

You know the urges are still there and you took action to prevent them leading to anything. That's a victory.

Hope you had a good evening.

Thank you Muststop123 - I'm glad I resisted by making the phone call. I'm just really confused and maddened by my pathetic half hearted dislike of gambling. I feel so wet. As if there's a real sucker in me just waiting for an opportunity to show itself.

The good news, I keep telling myself, is that I feel much more secure steering well clear of the online sites. Even though it would be as easy as one two three to join up and start up again, that pull just isn't there. Thank goodness.

Thank you again to all the people here. Angels, all of you.

Hey Equinox, really pleased to hear the pull isn’t there for joining sites. Hang in there bud. All the best, Scott.

Thanks Scotto85g - I do feel like the pull of the online gambling has been weakened these past couple of months. Not that this means much, but if I could put a figure on it I'd say there's a 20% pull from the online sites - nothing to brag about but that used to be a whopping 100% when I couldn't imagine going a day without gambling.

It's the land casinos I need to watch. Luckily, the city I'm in is casino free, so it's not something I'm dealing with often. But I need to prove my convictions and get myself excluded from them.

Day 60 - that feels like my best number yet.

Life is much happier and much better without the burden of dealing with a gambling loss. I have to remember that simple fact when my rosy tinted specs want to come back onto my nose whenever a casino is nearby.

This supportive site is probably the only reason I've managed to stay gamble free.

Well done, my friend, the days are really stacking up now. Only seems a couple of days ago that we celebrated your 50 days!

Thanks Muststop123 - I'm beginning to feel there's a significant gap between now and my last gamble.

I know I daren't get complacent, but today was the first day I felt a very powerful sense of relief that I was out of the direct grip of gambling.

This morning I spent some time thinking back to when I knew my gambling was way out of control, but I felt unable to stop it. A day away from roulette would seem like an age of abstinence and my thoughts throughout would be fixed on gambling 99 percent of the time. Looking back, I feels like I was drowning in my own cycle of reckless behaviour - that panic, that was on a constant loop, has now gone and I feel so very very thankful for that.

January was a very slow month as far as earning money - after expenditure, I've earned nothing whatsoever. I expected this - and I'm hoping things will begin to pick up soon, but at times like these I realise how reckless it was to gamble my savings away. It really stings and brings up a lot of disgust in myself.

Although, if I'm honest, I can see the attraction to double my money and keep on doubling - but I hope I'm now wise enough to know that's not how it ever ends. And I serioulsy hope I never try to do it again.

If I add up the cost and sheer mental space wasted dealing with my gambling (and I feel like I was a newbie who only had the habit for a few months) - it feels quite overwhelming. I could have written a couple of books instead. I really do rank gambling as the biggest mistake of my life.

But even though gambling got me, I'm grateful I'm trying to nip it in the bud. I have no idea what mayhem my life would have been if I hadn't stopped.

Day 66

When I think back to my gambling it does feel like I was drowning. Like I was in some sort of vortex that caught me totally unaware. It was the suddenness and total lack of control that was so shocking. Now, only 66 days later, I feel like I'm back on dry land.

On a day to day basis, I'm not fighting a constant urge - urges might appear as the occasional quiet tempting thought, but I now feel so much more aware of the dangers of heading back into the waters. I'm under no illusion that I can control my habit.

And I really don't want to go back to that feeling of drowning in my own life.

Good to see your doing well too Equinox keep it up

Thanks CM3003, much appreciated.

Day 69 and I still get some urges but they seem controllable. I have to remember that an urge is nothing compared to the hard reality of losing good money, slowly paying off debt, losing self esteem and control and feeling like a sucker to some fat cat casino. Give me an urge anyday.

Struggling struggling struggling with the urges tonight.

I'm here but feeling like I don't trust myself. I've not even gambled but I feel that same sense of shame as if I had. Partly becasue I've registered to a site but bailed and came here to my diary to remind me of all the things I know already. Times like these I really struggle to know what the hell I'm doing and why. And even if I could work it out, it would be just lame.

72 days gf but 0 days as far as sorting this out.

Well done Equinox. Your riding the urges and doing really well.

Some days will be really challenging but they will pass. There will be sunshine after rain.

One day at a time will keep putting you further away from your last bet.. 72 days already... In time you might see it all in a different light.

Take care.