Time to stop before I kill myself

I lost £710 today in 10mins in the bookies on fobt roulette. I think about killing myself a lot.

I have re joined this forum in a hope I can use a recovery diary to achieve some goals. Once these goals are achieved I will disappear.

My goals are 1) stop gambling completely 2) get a job I feel I should be doing 3) put in place a proper debt repayment plan 4) move out of my current living situation. Once those are all achieved I will stop updating this diary. It will be interesting to see whether I achieve this. It is a long shot as I am very messed up in my inner thought process.

I really really wish, I had actually stopped 10 years ago, when I was your age.

be honest, be open and get some proper help.

You have plenty of time to turn this round and have a good life, a great life, you just need to make a start, which you can do. tonight and tomorrow

drink water, eat healthy and get some sleep

Day 0

I will use a formula of Day X every time I post as it will be interesting to see how many days I could go gambling free as I have never gone over 30 days gamble free usually only a few days gamble free. I am alone miserable and pessimistic yet at 6pm I was upbeat happy and felt great. I don't wish to have these rapid changes in mood due to gambling activities.

My prediction is it will take 5 months to achieve my goals if I stay gambling free. I have £1800 of payday loans which I took outa few weeks ago and spent .... I have a history of pay day loans.... I am in the process of claiming back fees and interest from past payday loans..... 3 days ago I successfully got back £418 from a pay day loan company who had given me 6 payday loans in the past I was after £453 they offered £418... I gambled that money away but the next time I get a refund I am using it for debt repayment

I get paid on the 28th and after subtracting bills immediate payday loans rent I will have -£6. So I will have to beg a relative for £120 for basic food for August. So now I will have no life except work home work home and barely enough food to get by in August all because of my reckless stupidity and impulsive madness. I don't want any of this life anymore so I am going to change before I end up dead as it is very likely if I carried on gambling now I would just end it all

I am going to bed soon as I am stressed and I have work in the morning .... The last 2 years at this job I worked exceptionally hard doing manual labour for low pay long hours and I have nothing to show for it except an increase in debt of around 2k. I am disgusted at the waste of time

The worst thing I ever did gambling ? Ruining my life in terms of the past 8 years plus probably the next 1 year to sort this mess out. Followsed by destroying my reputation and having my younger brother hate me

How realistic is me never gambling ever again? Probably next to 0.1% but if I do not stop gambling I think it is 99% chance I kill myself before I am 32. As I know I will have made no progress in my life in terms of job living arrangements wealth relationships if I continue gambling .... That is the reality .... But I am going to make changes. 0 reading gambling stuff on the Internet from now on ....I ll only update this and honesty 100%

I do not care what any strangers on the Internet say I am solely driven by my desire to stop gambling in order to solve my life problems ..... I have thick skin and I know myself better than anyone who reads snippets of my life on the Internet .... Let this just be a lesson to any intelligent university students- don't gamble you will ruin your whole life and make it very hard to have a good life at all .... 2.2 grade debt upto your eyeballs robotic tendency to lose everything in rapid time .... And you will lose everyone you care about

The best thing gambling ever gave me ? The feeling of invincibility ... The allurement of positive uncertainty - thinking on any day you could win £x and have a great time spending that money that day. But once you lose all your money become indebted exhaust all available funds ruin your job or education and are trapped In an existence you never thought possible - gambling has then never done anything for you but cause misery and harm

What do I think a life of non gambling looks like? I used to think it would be too boring .... But now I see it as a life of inner peace and contentment where I can focus my mind on things other than survival mode and worrying about money. Also I imagine I would smile a lot more

Can I ever have a successful future? I am blunt - I don't see me ever being able to fulfil my childhood aspirations for a career I have destroyed that. I probably can never now own a home either due to my credit rating. I ll probably never be successful but I can be a different person. I can live a completely different day to day life and change my perceptions

Why am i addicted to gambling ? A specialist addictions psychiatrist said I am addicted to gambling due to 80% how I was groomed when I was abused and 20% inherited from my father who is a compulsive gambler. I would say also I was a low self esteem child and the way I gambled high stakes action J****E I was happy with the image of power success and I naively thought my 18-20 years when I ran good gambling that I was ultimately good at gambling and I could win but hindsight that was a grave error which has cost me £80,000 and 8 years of bad standard of living and severe depression