Whatever could it be that has brought me to this loss?
Today, I am on a path to becoming a healthier young man, having come to terms with a painful realization: to gamble is to lose more than just money.
I began gambling in 2015. Initially, I didn't consider myself addicted, perhaps because I lacked the funds to support the habit fully. My first gamble ended in a win, and from that moment, my troubles began.
In 2016, I graduated from college with first-class honors and great potential. I secured an internship and received a small stipend to support myself. As a first-generation university student, my parents sacrificed immensely for my education, hoping to give me a better life. They even sent money for my professional exams. However, I squandered it all on gambling, and the lies began. I falsely claimed I had passed the first level and needed more money for the next, only to waste that too. My addiction consumed my stipend and left me penniless.
During my internship, I often walked miles to work and went hungry because I had no money left for transportation or food. Despite gaining valuable experience, I saved nothing and became a liar and a thief, even stealing from my roommate. I took his money, hoping to win it back and repay him, but failed. I didn't earn the professional certification my family had funded, wasting the opportunity for growth and becoming a profound disappointment.
In 2018, I started a promising job as a graduate trainee at a top firm, earning more than most entry-level workers. But six months in, I relapsed. The cycle of winning, losing, and chasing losses resumed until I was in debt. I was a smart individual with dreams of supporting my family, but this addiction eroded everything I worked for. I took loans and lost them to gambling, leaving me in a constant state of financial ruin.
The following years were a rollercoaster. Despite working hard, getting promoted, and earning well, I had no savings. Each attempt to stop gambling ended in relapse. I even lost a substantial profit bonus to gambling. The shame and disappointment kept me from seeking help, leading me to create a fictional friend with a gambling problem to warn others. The truth was, I was talking about myself.
For eight years, I lived this double life. I had no savings, was deep in debt, and couldn't afford further certifications. Payday brought temporary relief, only for the money to vanish the same day due to gambling. I gambled at work, at home, and spent sleepless nights chasing losses.
In October last year, I secured a new job as an assistant manager at a top multinational with excellent pay. By December, I had lost everything I earned to gambling again. Despite my efforts to quit, blocking accounts, and attending Gamblers Anonymous (GA), I always found a way back to gambling.
This year, I restarted my journey to recovery. I joined GA, closed all gambling accounts, and committed to change. However, in July, I relapsed. I almost lost everything again but decided to stop and move on from my losses.
Seeing my friends achieve milestones—buying cars, getting married, and buying homes—reminds me of all I've lost. The lure of winning back my losses always pulls me back. But I know now that the only way up is to defy the gravity of this addiction.
I am now 20 days gambling-free since my last relapse. My boss, who constantly talks about his gambling wins, triggers my cravings. I see through his façade, knowing he too must be suffering. Today, the cravings were overwhelming, but reading others' stories online reminded me of the consequences of gambling. Inspired by @thebean's post, I decided to start my own diary and share my journey.
I am committed to staying with GA, registering for GAMBAN, and celebrating each gambling-free day. I apologize for my grammar and sentence structure; English is not my first language. To gamble is to lose, and the only way up is not to go down. I must defy gravity.
Thank you for reading my story.
Your English is perfect! Troubling and equally amazing story. You’re clearly intelligent and eloquent in your words. Sad to see the addition take hold of you. Quite a few similarities to your own story. Mo money mo problems as the biggie song goes.
20 days post last relapse is a great start. You know the process though. It doesn’t get any easier. I’m back on day 1. It’s a disgrace for me to have to say that. I can’t bring myself to look at a sports fixture or result. I spent two hours tonight walking and listening to podcasts. On my commute tomorrow I’ll go for another podcast or audiobook.
You can overcome this. It’s tricky. Each relapse makes it worse. Just don’t relapse again.
@ialfk5mq8p nice post gravity and thank you for the shout-out 😊
A big well done on your 20 days GF. In my experience I got a bit of clarity after not gambling for a few weeks.
It can be torture. I had cravings, dreams and urges that I gave into but were unable to actualise due to the blocks I had in place.
I was interested in your boss. My boss admitted that she couldn't place bets herself as she wouldn't stop so asked a colleague to on her behalf. I kind of want to pick at her comment and open a discussion. It takes one to know one!
I took have envy when observing my friends. They own house and spend time on holiday that I can't ever afford. I have a low wage and credit card debt. Sounds corny and trite but many of them are not happy, money doesn't equal happiness. It's what you do with your time that matters.
What is your first language? I can usually guess but I can't guess with you? Northern European?
Keep us posted
Excuse the spelling mistakes. Should have edited!
@thebean, thank you.
I was on the verge of abandoning this forum, as I often do, but I came across your post about how sad it is when someone starts a forum and then neglects it after relapsing.
Two days ago, while browsing on my laptop, I was directed to a gambling site through an ad. I panicked when I realized that I had forgotten to install Gamban on my laptop.
As you might expect, I ended up gambling for a bit, which led to loss-chasing, and I lost everything. I was so ashamed and disappointed that I couldn't bring myself to post about it here.
However, I’ve installed Gamban today, so here I am, back at day 0.
I have to do better; I have to be better. I lack self control, so I must ensure I put all the necessary controls I need to help me. Here goes nothing.
@ialfk5mq8p Great minds! I just checked your post to see if you had updated anything and you had a few mins ago.
Don't beat yourself up about the relapse. I am sure it has happened to us all, it certainly happened to me. I think it is best to re-frame what happened. What did this relapse teach you about your gambling issue? What can you learn from it to protect yourself in the future.
What triggered it and how can you put things in place to stop it happening again. It looks like you already have the answer.
Did you know that you can change your google ad preferences so no gambling ads come up? It helps stop the trigger.
It is sad when someone relapses and does not come back to the forum. It means they are not using this resource when they need it most. I get it, they just press the 'f-it' button and think what is the point?!? But recovery is not a smooth road, there will sometimes be 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, the important thing is that you are going in the right direction and on the right path.
Relapses are learning. You learned that you’re not ready to be able to have no blocks. I’m sure there will be a time when you can have no blocks, but not for a long time. No gambler can start recovery without first blocking everything they can. Bank, Gamban/gamstop, exclude from everything. If you can’t access it, you can’t gamble.
Take this as lesson 1, now tell yourself there will be no more lessons! You managed before, and with the blocks in place you can manage again, but this time stronger. To get as far as you did last time without the blocks shows you can do this. Keep fighting.
Stay strong 💪
@thebean that was illuminating. Thank you as always. I always look forward to your post because I take home one or two things whenever I read them.
I have ruined my life for the last 8 years. But I have also realized that I never really wanted to stop gambling each time I said I had after hitting rock bottom. However, for the first time I really want to stop. I acknowledge it is going to be a tough road because I have really fried my brain 🧠 and so I have to learn to recover gradually and develop new healthy habits.
There is so much for me to learn and so much I can be if don't indulge myself in this destructive habit.
@p6z38njbqm thank you for the encouragement. It is definitely a lesson and I have take the learnings with me.
I appreciate you reading about my journey and your contribution to helping me through it as well.
@ialfk5mq8p Aww cheers gravity. But in truth I have just plagiarised others ideas when it struck a cord with me. That and the 20 years of compulsive gambling's highs and lows.
I totally get your comment about 'frying my brain'. That is exactly how I felt. It is the dopamine rush getting constantly fired and then the guilt and sleeplessness that can really take it's toll over time.
I also understand what you mean by actually wanting to stop. Previously, if I am honest, I did not really want to. I did not want to suffer but I also did not not want to completely close the door to the gambling. It has to be your right time to stop.
Listen to podcasts about compulsive gambling, read the science behind it. Read people's stories here about what they experienced. Understand the dopamine response. Also gain an insight on how the gambling companies know how the human brain works then use it to exploit you. Challenge your thoughts about gambling 'I am due a win, I can beat it, I will quit when I am ahead'.
And absolutely reward yourself when you don't gamble. You need to retrain those neural pathways.
Sorry, I do not mean to preach. I am not the finished article, but if there is anything I can do or say to prevent your life being dominated by this addiction for the next 10+years like I was I will give it a go.
@thebean, as always, that was a whole lot of good tips. Thank you so much for your help. Yes, I have been listening to podcasts about compulsive gambling and have read a couple of diaries. I find myself particularly drawn to Charly's diary—I cried and felt it deeply ( https://community.gamcare.org.uk/forum/recovery-diaries/charlys-life/). I also resonate with yours (I read everything you post). What stands out for me is the rawness of it all; you don’t leave anything out of the box. It’s deep, sensitive, and it makes me see clearly how brutal this addiction can be if I don’t cut it off now. Thank you, Thebean; please never stop posting.
I am now gambling-free for 2 days and I feel great about it. Although I am still nervous because my gambling usually comes in seasons. I typically quit after hitting rock bottom, only to return when I get some money and try to recover my losses (this trend has been ongoing for 8 years). But what gives me confidence this time is that, throughout those periods, I always quit with the intention of coming back later to recover. This time is entirely different because I am just so DONE. I HAVE TO BE DONE. I NEED TO BE DONE.
I worked from home today, and when I got a bit bored and stressed, I jumped into Bigscreen VR and entered a chat room. I also created a room on Bigscreen VR about compulsive gambling and had a powerful discussion with others who are still deep in it and hating it, those in recovery, and even some who don’t understand it. It was quite fun and felt good.
Currently, I have no urge to gamble, but earlier today, something in my brain tried to convince me to play again, saying that I had won so much before and could do it again. But I know better—money is just the excuse I use to gamble. In reality, even if I won that money, I wouldn’t stop. It’s never about the money; it’s about feeding my brain dopamine. I need to view it as the addiction and illness it is and continue to fight it.
2 days gambling-free and more to come.
7 days GF. Little urges here and there, but I have fought them off with superior arguments. I am feeling much better.
We move.
It's been 23 days since I stopped gambling. The urges have been replaced with a strong aversion to it. Gambling is neither enjoyable nor beneficial; it's simply not worth it. As they say, the easiest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
I've developed new habits and am truly enjoying this new version of myself.
35days gambling-free
Just for today, I won't gamble.
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