Been around a while now and things just didn't go to plan. I knew a few months ago things were about to spiral. Could I have stopped it, of course I could - if I'd really set my mind to it. But, I think I wanted things to spiral. I think I needed to get to this point in order to be able to find a real life after gambling and finally move on.
Today I've gambled. My bank account is zero and I'm glad. Instead of the sick feeling I usually get when I've gambled, I feel nothing but relief. I feel like it's actually over. I had savings but I don't know how much was money I'd worked for and how much was money I'd won through gambling over the years. As messed up as its sounds, it's something I've never been able to wrap my head around. I had no clue whether the money was genuinely mine or just on loan from a casino.
I lost my way a bit with the forum a while ago. I always felt a bit of a fraud being here because gambling hadn't completely destroyed my life or ruined me financially, as it had with so many others. I hadn't gotten into debt, I hadn't begged, borrowed or stolen to fund gambling, I hadn't lost my partner, my family or my friends, I hadn't had to confess my addiction to anyone, I wasn't particularly depressed and I didnt feel suicidal. I started to feel like I had no business being here, as my life was actually still pretty good. That's not anyone's fault, it's just how I felt in my own head.
Another thing that never sat well with me was that I couldn't always offer support to the people that gave it to me. I will always be grateful for the support I received and there's no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't be where I am today without it but it started to get me down when I didnt have the time to respond to people who had so generously given their own time to help me. So I stopped posting anything.
Today I'm starting over and this time I'm ready to. If I wanted to gamble again I could, I still have overdrafts and credit cards and a joint account I could raid, but I don't want to. I'm starting over, not because I need to but because I want to. I have no actual money left but the way I'm looking at it is, now I have nothing on loan from a casino. When I get paid on Monday, every penny in my account will be money that I went out to work for and that actually makes me feel quite positive and proud.
Today, gambling becomes my old life. One I don't want to revisit or replay. I can't let myself feel bad anymore that gambling hasn't completely destroyed me, instead I'll feel very lucky that it didn't. I also can't let myself feel bad that I can't offer support as often or to as many people as I'd like to. I wish I could but I have to do this my way and my home life has to be my priority, at least for the foreseeable future.
I didn't know how I'd feel when I woke up this morning, when the reality of spending every penny I had sunk in. But I'm actually still feeling positive. I feel like I'm starting over with a clean slate. A real fresh start this time. I did calculate what I knew I was going to end up doing so that I'd only have 1 day without money and I don't feel bad about that. Leaving myself with no money for longer than that would only leave me at higher risk of wanting to win something back.
So I've sat down this morning and done something I haven't done for ages, I've worked out my finances in preparation for Monday's pay. I've worked out realistically (rather than optimistically) how much spare cash should see me through until my next payday and I'll withdraw this on my way to work tomorrow. If the cash is in my hand, it can't be gambled onlined. The rest I'll transfer into our joint account, under the pretence of January sales. Raiding the joint account has never been something I've been tempted to do, but in honesty that's more out of fear of having my gambling revealed than anything to do with my conscience. Either way, I know the money will be safe there.
Welcome back to recovery J 🙂
It's a shame that you felt you had to do it this way, you were never a fraud & there is no expectation from people who give you support...For many of us, giving it is part of our recovery!
You know how it works so no lecture from me! Good to have you back on board, time to start living - ODAAT
Hi nb,welcome back to this amazing site.i am just back myself y,day and like yourself i get paid next week so losing every penny i had y,day dont seem as bad.only thing for me is i feel so bad that i wished i spent it on my wife or 3 children.:-( never mind nb the money is gone
and we are back here building up those betfree days again.day 1 for us both today,lets do this. Take care and have a nice gamble free day. Scottyboy
Hi nb
Interesting posts. In my earlier days I would've related to what you say about feeling a bit different to other posters. What stopped me posting was that I just stopped gambling with a 'lightbulb moment' (and without any barriers) and havent' really had any urges, nearly 3 years later. So I can't relate to that aspect of recovery - urges and blocks.
In any event, I wouldn't worry about not replying as people post because they want to. For many it's part of their own recovery process - for me it's also part of my values.
But whatever our unique traits, we are all united by being addicts. We therefore have similar underlying issues. It's understandable that your first posts will be all about money. But hopefully you can move on from that and get some understanding about why you are a gambling addict.
Best wishes
Louis
Thanks for the support guys, I know really that nothing's expected from me but it's just the way I am - I do feel bad for taking and not giving back. I'll try and work on it! Also decided I'm going back to my old username (ish) after I had to trawl through the diary pages to remember what I'd changed it to...and it was only yesterday I logged in.
So today turned out not to be payday so still no cash for me. Not the end of the world as I've still got an overdraft if needed but I did have a brief "oh s**t, what have I done" moment. I'm over it now, like I say it could be worse. I'm still feeling fairly positive about my decision to blow what I had left in the bank. I don't deny it was reckless and stupid but rebuilding my bank balance from scratch with my own wages still feels like the right decision for me.
I'm not sure I ever managed to relearn the value of money, probably because I still had some when I joined the site. Anyway, what's done is done and I really feel like I'm headed in the right direction now. Hopefully this has been my lightbulb moment Louis!
I think if I'm completely honest about why I'm a gambling addict it's because I'm greedy, nothing more nothing less. I first signed up to an online bookie via a cash back website, something ridiculous like earn £75 all you have to do is deposit and play £25. £50 free money, who could pass that up? And then of course you win off the £25, more free money. It's so easy. And then that's it, you know the rest. Only it's never enough free money. An 8k win wasn't enough for me and once it's gone you justify it because it was never really yours to begin with - and that's just insanity. I'd like to say there's more to why I gamble but I honestly don't think there is.
Ha (embarrassed face) thanks for those kind but unnecessary words & welcome to my world! I do accept that recovery isn't just financial but I'm not going digging to see if my reasons for gambling were anything other than greed! What's done is done & can't be undone, so while I'm bimbling along quite happily, I'll take it! I'm ready & waiting should I feel it deviate & having attended my 1st meeting, I have the GA literature to hand with the times of my local meetings if I need a bit of direction!
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