Hi all
I joined GamCare in 2015 and read forum posts but this is my first time at writing.
I hope that getting things off my chest will aid the recovery process.So here goes
Ive been a problem gambler for 20 years. Thru not being able to walk away from a bandit in a chip shop as a teenager, thru internet poker to online slots and roulette and bookies sports betting and FOBTs. I have lost every penny to my name a few times in the past and still have debts on credit cards from years gone by
But missing out most things that has come before now i will fast forward to the almost present.
Last month I managed to turn a £100 deposit to an online casino 'for a bit of fun' into a £7000 loss with a few hours.
It was my last spin on the roulette, balance was zero and i had spent every single penny to my name. Luck was on my side that day and i recovered that £7000 in that spin and the one after.
As soon as the withdrawal had been authourized i self excluded myself from all online accounts, and paid for blocking software for my phone, also arranged to go to GA meetings and did self exclude myself from my local bookmakers.
But last week a few cracks appeared in my plan that had being going quite well to that point. When out drinking i put £200 into a pub bandit, chased the loss by giving£150 to a boy in the pub to run across to bookies and put it on a horse which lost, followed by putting last £95 on next favourite that was running which lost also. I said to myself at the time enough is enough, but still hadnt attended a GA meeting, and still havent. i also sneaked into another bookies when my girlfriend was in a nearby shop for a few spins of the roulette wheel
So to yesterday morning, i realised that i still had access to new apps on my phone that wasnt filtered out by the blocking software. So decided to have a £100 deposit. I played roulette and lost, and deposited another £100 and lost,and deposited £300 and lost and deposited £500. That was £1000 of deposits in half an hour. My balance soon was £3450 and I opened a withdrawl for £3200 and left £250 in balance 'for something to do on my dinner hour of nightshift'
So 3 hours ago dinner hour came, and I lost the £250 and i cancelled the withdrawal for the £3200.
I was playing this 24 numbered wheel game similiar to roulette.The screen for placing chips was quite small and awkward screen and I was beginning to get lost in the moment. i was just clicking quickly on numbers and hoping for the best. Balance down to £2500. So doubled bet and kept going and going loss after loss after loss then finally a number came in i had on. It was £340 a spin. the number i hit returned £450. So that brought me to £1365.... 7 or so losing bets costing around 2k to hit a number for 110 profit
I looked at this bet i had put on and had repeated multiple times and realised i had £250 on number 19 alone and for the past 7 spins and didnt even know. All normal thoughts had left my mind again and it was like i woldnt be happy till everythying was gone again.
But dinner break finished and i had the £1000 i initially deposited.So a lucky escape but enough is enough, ive been in that dark place too many times and dont ever want to go back
I put plans in place and have found ways round them. So from here on out i want to track my progress with this diary and start attending meetings also for support.Gambling is so destructive to me and people around me i want to kick it for good!!!
Ty for your post. I see a lot of my own thinking in this so I can relate well to it. One set of wins cover another time of loss to be able to move on to the next win or loss etc. It is most likely a very common mind set among most gamblers. It is also a part of the rush that keeps those gambling wheels turning. The cash is not so interesting, It is the way we think about it that is. Finding a thousand pounds to cover the hundred pounds to make another thousand pounds etc. If you for a min looked outside of that. Look at the actual behaviour.What is it you want to achieve? The further down the road of gambling addiction you get the more you start to realise it is all about repeating the behaviour. It finaly becomes a ritual. The way for me to find a bit of understanding (apart from good therapy) was to learn everything I could about what was holding me in one place.
Look up: Skinner boxes / Operant conditioning/ Addiction by design (book by Natasha dow Schull) . Find out about the zone we all get to when we escape from everyday life. It is less about the money (that is just the fuel) it is more about the actions we do when we have it. We chase dopamine rushes You may want to have a look at that as well.
This may all sound like rubbish to you atm, but my way of getting through the worst part was to learn what was keeping me ill. The more knowledge you have the better feel about changing things around and move forward.
Best of luck in your recovery!
Hey thanks so much for the information you have provided I will be sure to check it out, i know some things but very little about inside the mind of addiction but have heard of the gambling rush elevating dopamine levels, my point of view with gambling winnings and losses seems always to have been, the money was only every important when I lost and the anxiety and panic attacks kicked it, the wins never really filled me full of joy it was all about the rush, followed by mostly the despair of blowing everything
It’s hard to for me to understand when I’m not in the middle of a betting frenzy how that the mind can accept that chasing a relatively small initial loss- it will be ok to loss 100 times that first amount just to try and get back the loss. I know I am going to really struggle with this recovery but I suppose once it gets a little easier in time it’ll feel so beneficial .
Hi.
I want to adress your second part because I know it is important to you. Dr Luke Clarc of Problem Gambling Institute Ontario found out by a simple mri scan that gambling addicts get excited by a near miss NOT the win. So the brain waves start showing activity when we almost win.The actuall wins for a gambler are not so important.
So if you can convince yourself for a moment that the reason you are in the zone slotting away is simply just about staying in that zone to play. The actuall nr you are trying to figure out why you are chasing so hard becomes a bit of a lie. You will have to work with that mind set for a while but once it gets into place you start getting an ahaa feeling about it.
Now it does not solve the problem. There is much more to gambling then just the thinking. But it is a step towards recovery that is important. Recovery is an awakening. It does not happen all at once. It is a journey that is personal and different for everyone.
All the best.
So here I am still on day one and already my mind is playing tricks on me.
I dont know how long it takes for this small little casino app to process a withdrawal, but as the money sits in it and i wait my mind was telling me once its out just deposit a small amount of it back in for one last go- and far worse than that 'well you had thought you had already lost that money so you might as well cancel the withdrawal and play it till its gone then block yourself'
I dont know if anyone else gets this but the daydreaming/fantasing of that big win totally gets a hold of me.
Last week was mad, i foolishly worked out that with a £100 spin in roulette, if doubled up i'd reach £129600 in two spins.
Well i deposited £100, but granted at the time it didnt enter my mind to go for it.
My two numbers this last while back have been 16 and 19, so sure enough first 2 spins 16 followed by 19. Even although i hadnt planned to do the big bet it was all that was in my mind for a week afterwards, i would of been up to that then i would of did this and did that and voila retirement come early with a big nestegg off cash to enjoy life.
The mind does terrible things to people. Who was i kidding, any time ive ever had a hqalf decent win Ive almost given back either all or all plus some- I have arrived at the conclusion now that winning a large some of money would certainly be life changing for me, but i fell not for the best, I'd win it, not get the money out of the site quick enough and blow the lot for sure. £20 bets turn into £200 bets would turn into £2000 bets prbably and some.
SO gotta stick with the plan- STAY CLEAR OF BETTING!!!
Bloody dinner hour again!!!!!
Should of read my initial entry before going for dinner.
dejavu!!!
Check my withdrawal 'PENDING'
What was I thinking- why did i not delete the app and wait for an email from paypal
So i decide to play, yep 40p of a 44p balance left in my account. What an idiot...
Dunno how close the withrawal was to being completed but guess what CANCEL WITHDRAWAL..
Cant actually beleive I'm putting myself thru this
So here is deposits and tried and failed withdrawals ove past few days for a reminder to myself
Deposit £100
Deposit £100
Deposit £300
Deposit £500
Enoughs enough withdraw £400
Half an hour later cancel withdrawal £400
Balance £3450
Withdraw £3200
Lose remaining balance £250
Cancel withdrawal £3200
Lose and withdraw £1000
Cancel withdrawal £1000
Balance £3000
Lose some
Withdraw £2000
Deposit £150 to save upsetting withdrawal
Lose
Cancel withdrawal £2000
Balance £3650
Lose some
Open withdrawal (pending at the moment) £2422
Came to the conclusion now its not the money I was after, it was just to be back in the zone, heart pumping and the excitment.
Its when its over reality kicks in, should of did this should of did that, should never of bloody been back in at any stage
I have not lost the lot like in the past- so its time to screw the nut, man up and follow next set of rules.
This is DAY ONE NOW....................
1-Do not log back into that casino app again
2- Stay well clear and wait 24h/48h to this withdrawal is processed
3- Email company and lifetime self exclude
4- Update phone settings to include no new apps possible to install (this is the way i have got around blocking software this week since installing it)
5- Take things one day at a time or one hour at a time if necessary
Basically right now gambling tohughts and urges have totally engulfed my life, its been so bad I'd almost say its the only thing I think about.The INVISIBLE addiction
trying to talk to people at work and hold a normal conversation on the back of thousands of pounds swings up and down in an hour.
It has to stop and I am gonna say it has STOPPED-Its all in the past time to look into the future
What a terrible start to this, it was supposed to be a recovery diary and ive failed multiple times aready, well it starts NOW
So here we are at delayed day one... Well 25 hours gamble free
Dinner time was filled by reading first 50 pages of Addiction by Design instead of logging onto scraping the barrel casino apps
Can see so much of myself in other diaries. Is such an awful thing the compulsive gambling. same best of intentions followed by the win, the losses the chasing.the debt and the despair
Its been one hour at a time for me, so very pleased to be past 1 day.
Long may it continue
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