Toughest unwanted battle imaginable

DAY 89

i'm back at work this morning after a horrible virus which has really wiped me out.

EIlie the guinea pig seems to be fine, she hasn't shown any signs of pain, I just find it difficult to give her the antibiotics she needs, she never sits bloody still!

No gambling urges at all. I get paid Wednesday and it cannot come quick enough. Got paid 22nd of December so to go 40 days is some feat considering Christmas was wedged inbetween.

I am hoping I feel happier soon.

DAY 90

flat as a pancake today. Missing someone important to me

Payday tomorrow, got another £1800 commission coming to me, the bummer is it's spread over six months, still the £307 extra before tax is better than a kick in the teeth, even tho Mr Taxman takes his chunk!

Got lots to pay out but I quite enjoy doing that, 90 days without spending a single penny on worthless gambling means I have control again, just hate this being alone b******t!

Trying to rest and turn the brain off. I really know what I want I can't express enough what it means to me I have to believe it's my drive

Willsy glad to see you are doing well.
In respond to you and vulture I have also suffered from terrible anxiety until the point of me fearing I couldn't do my job anymore.
I had to seek help and while I don't openly admit it to everyone I've been taking sertraline for the past 15 months and the difference it has made is unbelievable. I'm not depressed but have always been an anxious person and this has affected me. Gambling made it much much worse and I think it all stems fro. The same place. Please both keep going but don't be afraid to try medication. I was worried my wife would leave me but when I spoke to her and said how it was affecting me she said try it. She's seen the difference and things are much better. I've put on a bit of weight but I'm trying to get that under control. Keep going guys things are so much better for me now and I hope it will be for you guys

DAY 91

Hi Crossintheroad, I completely get anxiety and you are right it gets worse through gambling, disappointments, emotional breakdowns, loss, trust issues, insecurities, being sensitive. I'm just about able to get out of bed to go to work because I need to but I'm not anywhere near working at 70%, I've been frozen for 8 months now, stuck with my thoughts and worries.

I am on antidepressants which deals with both my depression and anxiety. I was on 40mm a day but there were too many side effects so I dropped back down to 20mm. The anxiety I have is not being able to work towards putting something right with someone I love very much. I'm haunted by things that I have said and done and I really need the chance to start a fresh and put everything behind us. Loneliness is crippling me currently, my confidence is broken to such a point I never want to go out so I am working then going home, not eating properly and then taking myself to bed because of feeling so miserable.

Crossintheroad, all we can do is keep trying to make the right choices. For you to admit you needed help and have put on some weight but the differences have been seen and you are a better person for it, your wife hasn't left you and you have a purpose to keep moving forward. For myself it runs deeper, I have always felt the black sheep of the family, the one who has failed, who hasn't had any children, the one who has wasted money and hurt people over the years due to this addiction. I am pleased I have abstained from gambling for 91 days but I am still alone, I don't have a loved one to enjoy time with or company to look forward to on the weekends. I just need to take things one day at a time and try and keep my anxiety under wraps. I can't do anymore. I struggled to get out of bed this morning, looked at myself in the mirror and thought 'here we go again'. I question myself, why am I bothering, just give up and I have been close to giving up but I need to keep trying to put one foot in front of the other because I really need that day to come one day when I can have that huge hug with the person I adore and just cry, let it all out and look forward to a future. I just don't do anything for myself, I want to support and do things for others, I've always been like this, I suppose I don't value myself or think much of myself as a person. I want the old happy Andrew to come back he is still in there, just need to give myself more time.

Payday today and I'm going to make my payments, as for work I'll wing it through another day somehow.

Hey wilsy thanks for the support on my diary it's nice to see fellow gamblers who care for each other,I'm sorry to hear of your personal troubles at the minute I can't say I know what your going through ive been lucky to have a girlfriend who has stood by me through my gambling episodes.i hope you can pick yourself up and start feeling better about your things for at least for sure you are definitely appreciated here on the forums..

Best wishes pal

Stevo

Hi Stevo,

thanks for your support, I only need the support of others that are going through what I am going through, I don't want to burden girlfriends or family because it is my battle and it's too much stress for them, I understand that, I just miss the person I love very much. I'll keep as strong as I can, I'm happy I'm appreciated on this forum it is really helping me, I just don't want to feel so upset.

Hope you feel better soon willsy, really hope you can turn things around. Well done on not Gambling, finger crossed your personal situation can be sorted. Will check in on you to see how you're doing

Hi sorry to hear you are down . If it is any consolation you have given me a boost when you posted on my diary and I really appreciate it . It’s humbling when you have take time out to send me a message when you obviously have things going on yourself . Chin up , eyes forward and you know you have the support here should you ever need it . Cheers Bryan

DAY 92

Thanks Crossintheroad and Bryan, appreciated your support you have both lifted me an inch! haha

Day after payday today, really pleased with my progress, eight days away from the century of days abstaining from something that has no place in my life anymore.

Yesterday when I got paid I felt pleased to pay out what I needed to apart from the £160 vet bill! Took myself into town after work as yesterday was a really difficult day for me. I managed to find a little shop that was closing and bought a couple of bits. Had a haircut which I needed and got myself some food. What I have noticed is once you stop gambling, you don't want to spend anything or go anywhere, you just want to see progress made with debts and see money in the bank. I am grateful that I don't have the stress about lack of funds anymore. My parents both know I'm trying really hard and they are proud of me. If I ever get short they can see my receipts and bank transactions and as long as I don't gamble, they are happy to lend me money when I need it.

Struggling with work somewhat, I have too much on my mind and I am clinging on to a positive thought of which without I don't know where I'll be right now.

Pleased January is behind us, just need to get February and March out of the way now and hopefully it'll start warming up. Already it is lighter in the mornings and the days are becomming longer so there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

Struggling with my anxiety still, I really need a positive outcome to come of something, I just need to remain as patient as I can be which is proving very hard. I know what would make me smile and feel great right now but currently that isn't going to happen, I have to respect other people have their own issues and battles so I need to understand and let them do what they need to do. For today the words I will think about are, time, patience, kindless and positivity.

Wishing everyone well for their day ahead, remain strong everyone, we've been shadows of our previous selves whilst consumed by this illness so keep figting and restore yourselves in time and become the persons you once were without all this c**P!

Wilsy

I don't normally write two posts in the same day but I'm really struggling to find the motivation to do any work today. I am more interested in reading peoples diaries and offering my support where I can and I'm sure everyone realises I'm doing f**k all at my desk but for today I don't really care, just want to get to 5, go home, get through tomorrow and rest on the weekend. Why am I so uninterested in everything right now, why can't I just find some motivation from somewhere and feel normal. Need a massive boost in my life, something to cheer me the f**k up! lol

Well done on 92 days. I dont read many diaries on here myself just check in on my own everyday but ill try and make more of an effort.

Not sure of your background but like you I suffer from anxiety and depression from time to time, most of it for me due to gambling. Have been fine since I stopped almost 10 weeks ago.

Life is hard a lot of the time and even harder when you are addicted to gambling.

100 days is a week away, keep up the good work.

Thanks CM3003, it is so difficult isn't it living in our shoes, Anxiety and Depression is hard enough, no wonder we broke when we gambled as well.

Yes a week to go, I am struggling personally right now but am not struggling with any urges to gamble, that is the last thing I ever want to do again.

Hi mate,

I am in a similar situation to you overwhelmed by the whole situation. I guess it will get easier if we keep plugging on.

Thanks for posting. Sorry you're feeling S****y at the moment. But great achievement on 92 days! And reading and posting on other ppls diaries really does help so you might not be working but you are doing something good 🙂