Trying to get my life back again

Day #01

Almost over. Had to admit spend all day out of the house and temptation open my laptop was low.

Just now trying to fill the void of chill out time before bedtime is hard hence i thought come on here and shed whats off my chest.

Have closed my accounts and made a list of to do list. Stuff i havent got round finish doing. This is my aim to complete. One of them is learn crochette a hat. And flogging items on ebay amd facebook to earn some pennies back.

I need to keep myself positive as i notice my main trigger is when im down or unhappy ie bad day at work or people make me small i tend to gamble and escape reality... i really hope i can just scrug it off.

Lucy x

Hi Lucy, good to see you over here, I think a diary is just what you need to help you realise you are not alone 🙂 Your triggers are very usual but for the moments escape that gambling provides, it leaves you hurting more when you come out the other side! I remember my good friend Ade2 telling me, we're not bad people, we just took a wrong turn & he is right because as he also pointed out, recovery is possible! I too handle our finances as my OH would spend it on garbage/his bike but I hate to admit it, @ least he would get enjoyment out of throwing it away!

I read from Admin that Netnanny works on iPhones if that helps! K9 is a free software that seems to work on laptops because even though you are bitterly determined @ the moment, this addiction is evil & powerful & you will need substantial blocks in place so that it doesn't lure you back with false promises!

You may not get a response out of hours but this site is always here & there's plenty to read if you need to kill a few hours!

Well done on getting through today 🙂 Keep fighting - ODAAT

Thank you. I dont want this rule and ruined my life. I know its easy said than done ie im making a big statement to give up. Im a person holding my word and my own worst enemy of judging myself. I do hope this will power do get me thru as i do want a normal life. I dont want to be ie i cant go near a bingo or casino for a drink for say a hen night and i cant control myself (just an example) or use my mobile phone and delete all internet bcos im too scared. I need to learn avoid gambling n dont go there. Am i too gullible? I know in had issue in the past but i did stop. I think a lady suggested i need to go extreme measurement as will power cant stop me gambling......

Im bit lost here....i thought so far i know its just day one i did good....

In the end it is will power but there are things to help you in the early days, excluding, giving up financial control etc. For me counselling really helped. I just talked rubbish for an hour but felt better at the end of it. Some of us are not satisfied people and looking for something else or escaping something. For me both. But it is at least for me something that does get easier with time. Urges I have are now not powerful and like most addictions abstinence lessens their desire. I think you should talk to your husband, perhaps when you have made positive steps and put a plan in place. I also spoke to Gamcare at the beginning (it was them or the Samaritans)and the person I spoke to really helped at the critical moment. Good luck in your journey.

Wellcome to recovery Lucy.

I think you need to speak to your partner and explain your feelings, is it an option to hand finance control to him?

Or can your brother control your finances short term ?

I think you need to heed the advice above re your mobile phone, change this to a basic handset which you cannot gamble on and re the laptop you need to install software so you cannot visit gambling sites.

You also need to self-exclude from any accounts you may have online.

Im also going to suggest something you may think is drastic - cancel your bank card(s) cut them up and ask for replacements, reason for this is that your card details will be saved on gambling sites, cancelling them means you cannot gamble easily with the saved details, and if you've self-excluded by the the time your new card comes you cannot use that site again.

When your new card comes, give it to your partner or brother for them to control.

These steps may sound drastic but I found it beneficial in my early days to put these blocks in place which removed my ability to gamble, as I've described in my diary thread.

I would encourage you to use the online chat if you feel the need to chat, and remember the online chat each evening 8-9 is available for chit-chat or getting things off your chest.

I wish you well and hope you will continue to post.

Thank you - i have all deleted my account but i will definetely re-order my cards as you suggested. I will pass the laptop to my brother. I would only have the ipad which i dont use but my partner and my mobile phone. I think i will start councelling - i think like Down and Out - I am avoiding a gap. As each time i am low, depressed i seem to think gambling make me happy which is stupid ie like shopping. I think i should pick up some chocolate bar instead or stuff my face lol.

As for talking to my husband - its definetely no no. I know how much he will be disappointed in me as he recently make some remarks on the Cornation Street story line - which i watched while screaming inside my body.

I just hope i am opening up here (which is very hard thing to do for me) helps me and getting stuff off my chest.

Stupid thing is - i got so much on my plate - i dont know why i am adding gambling another thing on my list.............but hey i guess i made it day 1 so bring on second day.

Already planned to stay out of the house most of the day and visit friends. So that will keep me occupied and tomorrow i will start my crochette lol - see how much i be able to knit. That would be interesting.

L.

Day #02,

Had a good morning and afternoon. No urges, didnt even think about those website except one send me a final email confirming im now official longterm closed my account - YAS.

Paid some bills online and even looking start looking for xmas presents lol.

Looked into finance and i should be okay till payday and had re-order new cards.

Was feeling good till evening. Seeing comments made (on my other thread) regarding will power alone might not be enough to kick this. I know the intention was not there to say im gonna fail but that how i felt....

My plan was to use will power to get rid of this demon in me....instead of change a lot of things such as use a mobile phone with no internet and let someone do my finance ie things adapt for me instead of and give me learn to control.

I know it would help me to do all this to reduce temptation but i want to try to do it my way but seems like those comment make me feel if i dont do that my attempt is just pointless and i will fall back on gambling again.

I felt as if i havent started my journey i am already marked im gonna fail....BUT i am not gonna be that person!!! I want a future a normal future. Hence i want to do it use my willpower instead avoiding this and that.

I know i might be gullible but that my plan how im gonna do it. Will power. I now its my first attempt and who knows i might fail or might succes but i need to try my way.

Today i have wrote down all my trigger point and going to get councelling.

Looking back each time i gamble is when im depressed. When i worry, no one to talk to as i always keep my problems to myself. I am the person people come and see me with problems. Family and friends. Feel like i am the only person can help them but no one can help me.

I need to get this mentality change.

I need to be positive, if im not then i need to think how i can change or speak to my mate or councellor.

I need and i am gonna keep my word of not gambling. I will win this battle. For me to be a better person, mum, wife and human being.

The future.

I am positive and gonna kick this. I really hope i will get support. I know those words said to me mean well but doesnt mean i am 0r going follow that route.

I really hope i can proof them wrong and me have a backbone and kick this and control it.

I CAN DO IT!!!!!

Lucy x

Hi Lucy, just so you know, no-one was setting you up to fail...People posting on here don't know you & have had to learn as they go along from both bitter experience & other diarists! What we have learned has shown us that barriers buy time when we're deliberating making the wrong choices.

In some respect by getting counselling, you are not relying purely on willpower & you are absolutely right in saying that you could find ways round your barriers if you wanted so do need to rely heavily on making the right choices anyway!

You will read posts from time to time that you disagree with & you have done exactly the right thing by writing how you feel about them. Hopefully you will take away the support & any tips that you find useful & ignore the rest (it is all well intended though I assure you)!

Keep strong & yes, you can do this - ODAAT

Hi Lucy.

There is no right way or wrong way to fight this addiction. However the most important thing is to fight it and conquer it by what ever is needed.

I have no access to anything financial (cash or card) therefore I cannot gamble. Might not work for everyone but we are all different but all with a common cause.

Best wishes

Day #03

Thank you all for your advice and encouragement - especially encouragement. I completely understand where you all are coming from - maybe i was tat insensitive lol being a newbie. And the way i thought just stubborness but really hope i can use my will power and i have to admit - i know it sound silly - but since i actually admit to my brother i feel like yeah i can do it - i dont even have 10% of doubt think oho i will go this and that and restart.

Anyway guess its too early to tell.

But today had a bad day at work and felt really low - emotional wise. Was getting by untill some so called friend haven't spoken for 7 months knowing my personal issue and dont bother check up on me decided send me a message and got me all worked up.

Questioning myself what kind of person i am - sorry nothing to do with gambling - just my character and am i that nasty person to attract trouble and let people walk over me. Last time i heard from her was early this year helping her set up business and spread the word. We know she been throwing BBQ and parties without s - that is fine. We cant all be liked but suddenly drop a note and asking for stuff she gave me as gift and wants it back - i was just soooo peeve off hahaha.

So whole day was emotional roller coaster and got home with a very tired child. My husband is working late and immediately step in the door my inlaws already crawl over me to help him with this and that - as if working 7 hrs and dealign with a child is not enough but need to help him doing something that anybody can do - find an electrician.

He got access to phone, yellow page and internet. Oh me - that set me right off hahaha.

As for the little 'dirty word' aka gamble (from now on - i call it 'dirty word' lol) - nothing - i think i will revisit my doctor again and check hahaha my sanity and definetely my depression and see if i need to get on back my happy pills again or get fast track to councelling.

Called them today but sees to be not a lot of spaces to go in the evening so i might need to take a half day to see them for initial session.

While busy at work - multi tasking or skiving. I have created a NEW spreadsheet and stated and budget once i get paid in 15 days what need to be paid put away to savings and where. I am sticking to that plan.

Also opened up a savings account where I can't touch the money within a year - so if i put in - no way i can take it out.

Now my little one is asleep - i am stuffing my face and catching up on here and see how everyone is doing - feeling very peacefull and calm.

Looking forward to see more fellow fighters to fight the fight and conquer this.

Right enough about me ranting - going to finish polishing my stovies and left overs of my little one food.........

Lucy x

Hi Lucy and welcome to the forum.

Well done you on having a good positive attitude from day 1. It's a very good key to have and keep hold of.

The first days can be quite tough, as you start to adjust your way of thinking.

This is very much a one day at a time, and baby steps forward is the way to go forwards, as we slowly but surely make positive

changes,

Using the triangle(, Time, Money, location) by takiing one of these away, it does make it impossible to play.

Reading the diaries on here is a big help too, as we begin to learn about this horrible addiction,

Keep posting, stay strong and keep positive,

Best wishes

Suzanne xx

Day #04,

Had a weird dream last night which i woke up in sweats. Dreaming a very younger me pushing my brother to the bank and asked him to withdrawl loads of cash. My mum caught us doing it and had a right go at me......it was so vivid it woke me up.

Probably my concious going overtime or all the stories i read last night.

Hopefully tonight this nightmare wont happen again.

Been a busy day. Woke up and was chuffed Suzanne left me kind words
Thank you very much. I am trying real hard to be positive.

At the moment waiting for my husband to come home and join me watching Sons of Anarchy.

Each episode gets more gruesome than before lol.

Got myself busy this evening as normally i would have open my laptop and chasing my losses. Not tonight. Instead i played Candy Crush and organised paperwork.

Hope everybody doing well.

Lucy x

Morning Lucy,

Day 4 already lol, the days soon mount up, that dream was part of this recovery process, and helps us to remain strong and positive.because these dreams show us what utter madness gambling really is.

Small steps forwards, and think just for today I will not gamble, (it all won't seem so daunting then,) the first few days are tough as we are adjusting our mindset,

Keep strong

Suzanne xx

Well done and keep up the good work luck! Strangely enough I've been having bad dreams the last few days. They seem so real! Possibly withdrawal symptoms?

Anyway keep up the good work.