Trying to get my life back again

Day # 011

Haha Steven - glad im not the only one having these weird dreams.

Been really positive and busy so didn't had the chance to log on.

Lately had some friends coming up for visits so was nice to see them until they left yesterday.

Was leaving on a high until last minute decided to give me some advice on saving money and other home truth ie relationship with my mum and my siblings. Really hurt my nerve when talking about money - but its not setting me up to think of 'the dirty word' but set off me getting really low and depressed as i feel like a failure and top of that comment about me and my mum relationship.

It really bring me down and upset me - was unnecessary. As i brought a lot of bad memory and she also told my mum how i felt so feel really betrayed.

I am now facing anxciety calling or seeing my mother this week.

Just want to hide and run. Really feeling low and want to escape - not doing 'that' thought - but i just stuffed my face in a big bar of chocolate and cake and tea.

Really need a good cry - hey ho - i did well - 11 days!!!!

Lucy x

Lucy,

Phone GamCare. Talk to someone. But don't let your troubles give you a reason to give up. You're doing well.

Mothers? Mine was v difficult, I hope my kids think they have a wonderful mother, suspect that they actually have one who nags.

Take care,

CW

Day #012,

Thanks but i have no intension given up. I was just feeling emotional. I wasnt even thinking about gambling but want to escape which i did by eating a bar off chocolate.

Spoke to my mum today and nothing been said what my chum told her.

Was really relieved. She wasn't mad.

Had a good talk.

Lucy

Hi Lucy,

Glad to see you got through this difficult day. Sometimes things happen that upset us and can trigger an emotional reaction but you didn't gamble, and never thought of gambling, so that's got to be good...right? There's nothing wrong with seeking comfort in a bar (or two!) of chocolate. I've been on a bit of a biscuit binge since quitting the demon slots. But it's ok, as I know it won't last long term (and I'd rather be fat than climbing the walls waiting for the feature).

You're doing well. Keep it up. Before you know it, you'll reach your 30 day milestone 🙂

LifeBegins x

Thanks hun. I really dont have the urge and yeah was just feeling rubbish. Your idea sound fine. Think i need to stock up some choccies and wine lol as im drinking tea now and dunking biscuits lol.

Hope you doing ok too.

Lucy x

Day #014

Manage had a 2 hrs phone call with my mum to clarify a few things - thank god she understood and no hard feelings. As i can't be bothered facing her next visit with snidy comments.

Been quiet positive and gambling never been on my mind but payday is. Really looking forward as i have set up spreadsheet and allocate how much funds needs to go on credit card etc and leaving me with £100 for lunch for whole month.

Was just commenting on some fellow recovering gamblers diary and just hit a spot and look back why i was in a bad shape and why last year i really completely lost it.

My father in law suggested us to move in with him to save money as well keep an eye on him as he had stroke before. Gullible we thougth great to save money. Not knowingly - he got my brother in law moved in too!!!! After he had been given 65k - a loan against the house. So took over 1 room, and my and my husband and my daughter are living in one room.

On top of that, they were so lazy cant even lift a finger to do dishes or take the bin out. Me and My husband had to be cook, cleaner and garderer.

Relationship with my husband obviously was tested. Argue, cried and anger. Hence i went online stupidly thinking i win to get out of here as council think we are not over crowded.

I was so depressed - i told my father in law it was unfair and conned into this and asked him stop smoking in the house or next room while my daughter is asleep - he refuse. Pretty much made it its his house.

been 12 months now - last 10 months i refused to speak to him nor my brother in law. As if he failed to keep up the loan - we all be kicked out of the house. And we have to pay rent - he doesnt and live off from his father. He is 36 year old man. His room is disgusting. Only thing that is nice is his clothes and his appearance should be perfect.

Took 3 weeks off holiday and got my father in law garantee him another 2 5k loan!!!!

My father in law knows we were saving money for a house - but he refused to give a 10k loan to use before i got pregnant when we saw a house.........but manage to give my useless brother in 65k - which he gave to a lassie he never met online to set up a business.

The story is dodgy - personally i think he gambled.

Anyway - completely lost respect of my father in law as 2 months ago - my brother in law started an argument with me then with my husband. Not just verbally but threaten me with a knife. I was so full of hate and adrenaline, i grabbed his hand and threw the knife behind his shoulder and shouted than he cant hurt or scare me as he wanted us out!!!

We were invited to live here - he wasnt. I told this to council and still our priority wasnt moved.

I felt so hopeless. One night i had to phone help as i couldnt cope. My daughter hardly had a full night sleep as they constantly wake her up. Nor me as i am constantly exhausted as they dont lift a finger and make a mess.

I felt so sorry for myself.

Now - i am on anti depressant and started councelling. I need to do this for my daughter as i feel anger all the time and worry about money problem.

At the moment i am good place. Keep telling myself i will get out of this sugar hole.

Once i am out of here - them to are welcome to each other. I will never go back to the house with my daugher alone.

I made it clear to my husband - if my daugher health is affected of him smoking in the house - next door to her room while she is sleep - i will NEVER EVER for give him.

Rant over lol -but i am ok - i am strong and i will get this sorted.

Lucy x

You're doin so well Lucy especially with everything else you have going on! You are clearly like me in that you feel like you want to take control and it is your responsibility to find a 'solution' regardless of the consequeses and that is a good thing 🙂 you'll do anything for your husband and daughter and now you are doing the most positive thing for all of you x taking the steps to make sure you are also looking after yourself 🙂

Payday is a test, I learnt the hard way 🙁 have a look back at first few posts of my diary. But I learnt a lot and hopefully you'll get something positive from it which will help you get past the urges on pay day. But I'm sure you'll be fine. More than halfway to you goal 🙂 keep going and crocheting! X

Day #016

Way over the half way mark of my first milestone.

One more day till my payday and i have to admit only 10% i am scared. But i know i have closed all my accounts so i cant gamble. I told my brother and he often check how im doing.

Its not even the urge im scared off. I dont have its - its more of scared of the future or me mess it up one way or another.

And also been told my husband will be going away for a week because of work. Im scared how im going to cope in a house i hate.

Not im not coping with my daughter its more of facing these 2 useless people who not capable doing anything.

I had hovered cleaned the bathroom. Did my dishes on friday....its sunday today and 2 days worth of dishes is there waiting for me to get it done. My husband already emptied the over flown bin.

My father in law acting like a doting grand father in front of my daughter. He cant even pick up a toy, he just kick it aside.

Oh me lol i get so angry when i talk about them.

Thank you for the lovely word Red

I think the situation is really not helping. In march is when i finally broke down. Turn up work crying, lost some money but its the constant argument with my husband then exhaustion really got me. I ended up punching a wall as i couldn't handle it.

But i will get there. Currently trying sell stuff online but still trouble finds me.

I feel im trying fix or improve something but always something or someone make my route difficult. Lol even selling stuff online to make a few pennies.

Today my hubby was nice let me have long lie in and went to see my folks. Its like a holiday as my family look after my daughter and make me lunch.

I cant wait for them retire and look after my daughter so i can save on nursery fees.

Anyway away to sort out my boxes of paperwork and ready for work tomorrow.

So cant be bothered lol.

Lucy x

Day #017,

Still early but my husband manage to P**s me off first thing in the morning. Beside me gambled some money away and try hide from him. This month expenditure was awfully high. We had visitors up, deposit for new car and the usual nursery fees and his stupid take outs meal. Last night i told him i only got £15 left but he still wants a take away so put on card. This morning he demanded how much there is and if enough for petrol. I told him if i knew i wouldnt spend it on takeaway yesterday....so hell broke loose and he demand how much we spend etc.

To be honest beside i gambled money away all our money seems to be gone to fix this stupid house. House that we are not gonna to living but fix it up for his dad and brother..

I was in a lot of pain too. Lovely time if the month had to arrive, so him have a go at me and in pain got me real down and annoyed. Was scared that i then take it all out on my 2 year old daughter all day.

But turn out was completely zomified....left the house without my gymbag and forgot to put shoes on my daughters feet.....

Great start so god knows whats plan for me today at work.

Lucy

Well glad my husband apologise. Day couldn't get any worse. Work was super busy and internet keep crashing. There were few near misses where the laptop got thrown out of the window.

Got home to hell. Only to find out of of these provident loan lady collecting debt from my brother in law which he lied about that he paid off. Only 2 months ago after he applied another 5k loan high interest loan using my father in law as garantor to pay of this provident loan...obvious he didnt.

He already had ВЈ15k cash from my father in law, ВЈ5k loan, another £50k loan against the house and now anothet 5k loan.......75k from my father in law. And my father in law couldn't lend us a wee deposit for a house.

Then later find out they helped themselves in my towel cupboard and found the bathroom absolutely disgusting. Missed the pot.

I was fuming!!! Bless hubby he ended up cleaning it up for me.

Finally got sit down after put my daughter to bed, my hubby then told me his work no longer pay for their hotel rooms up front but he has to pay for 7 nights.

So great more expense pay out

Aarghh so emotional and angry today.

Need a drink.

Lucy x

Hi, Lucy,

Sorry to hear you've had a bad day, hope tomorrow is better.

CW

Day #018

Well its 2am, up due to my lovely in law coughing loud and woke up my child. Mean while I'm up and awake so open laptop to pay all my bills as my spreadsheet and re-jig finance as need to put large amount aside for my hubby to go away for this trip which he now needs to pay his own hotel.

Not happy as that costs half of his wages. So he will go in work and see what they can do to help as claim back the expenses takes up to 2 months!!!

Think anxiety and scared of financial situation, living in the environment i am in and the whole feeling i messed up - today i am really struggling to be positive and want a good cry.

I had stopped by anti depressant but today was the day i really need it if not i just burst into tears.

But - i am tiny bit proud that i stick to my spreadsheet and hardly got any money left incase i do gamble - but i dont even have the urge.

I think my head is soooo pre-occupied how to cope in the next 2 weeks when my hubby is away and how i put up with my inlaws.

I think i might escape to my folks. At least its a holiday compare to life here.

I have to admit, my hubby is my rock and knowing how much living here has changed me. I am so strong or i was, i always been the strongest from my family as i was the oldest and have to deal with all sorts for my folks but then now take on my husband family who is capable or doing things but act like handicapped - really push me over the edge.

Im suprised i survived for a year now.

Money wise - we are no were near what we would like to save. As when we left the house we rented, we were bit behind the electricity bills - due cold winter and i just had my little one and the house was badly insulated. Credit card mounted up when i was on maternity leave.

Ah wish someone just gave me a million and im sorted hahaha wish full thinking.

Feel bit better now typing this up.

Right sounds like she is down - i better crawl back to my bed.

Only 2 more things to pay and thats me.

My first payday without gamble - I CAN DO THIS!!!!

Lucy x

Hi Lucy,

19 days today, well done, keep pushing through, and keep strong.

Sending you positive thoughts for a much better day.

Suzanne xxx

You can do this! 🙂

You've already payed the bills and stayed gf for nearly two thirds of your goal - go you!! 🙂 x

You can indeed do this Lucy. Keep on keeping on and a year from now all these money worries will have faded. You won't win money gambling (you've already proved that to yourself) but slowly and surely without gambling you're finances will improve.

Some time with your family sounds like an excellent idea. Why not stay with them for a while? A break might do you good.

Keep on going. You're doing good 🙂 LifeBegins x