Trying to get my life back again

Day 34,

Been super busy with work and my folks problems. Hubby is home and more laundry for me to do - aren't I lucky lol.

I have a good feel for GF - i think my mentality about it really changed probably because my depression is differently to what i have been during Gambling. I actually can see myself get out of my problems instead of wearing blinkers.

Beside this week busy with all of that - i have been again acting as agony aunt. 2 of my friends found out their partner cheated on them. One had 6 months affair and other one night stand. I was there for both of them but i have to admit i was so drained after wards. But it kept me busy.

My so called father in law still trying to get me to talk to him but i got no time for him at all - i really lost all respect for him.

Just need to focus to save save save and get out of this hell hole.

I'm so looking forward to next payday and already started my spreadsheet - eek.

Lucy x

How are you, Lucy?

Day 4

Well been over a year i was clean......thought i was 'good' mental stage at i was pretty messed up. Stayed away from gambling, saved and paid card off untill last month something triggered it.

You would think i have been there done that, got the t-shirt would not go back to that bad place again!!!

No no no....it started 4 months ago...things looked up so great for my wee family untill me and my husband's work hear about redundancy. I become suddenly sever ill....we both have a young daughter so beside money we got stressed out with both our folks depending on us. As both our siblings are useless and selfish to look after them. We bicker and at each other throat all the time. I found myseldlf really low and ha ...knowing i might be out if a job i started to gambling again!!!

Yes i won £500 and thought i stopped....no no no ended up now in a lot of debt in just short of one month. I just can't even look at myself of disgust. Me and my husband relationship is on the strain and god knows what he would be if i told him. I confinded my best mate. She knows about everything and promise stand by me and help out and i need councelling. Im stressed out about everything...today i was about breaking point to cry in the middle of supermarket. As i feel i failt as a human being, a wife, a daughter and as a mum!!!

I had closed the account and cut the credit card so i cant no longer use but repay it back as soon as.....just now fingers and legs crossed i still got a job.

Lucy x

Still Day 4.....

Been an emotional roller coaster. Work was stressed and all my family turned to me sort out their problems out. Phone calls after phone calls at work and then home again. I got so stressed out ended up took it out on my husband as he can't understand why i cant just switch off and ignore them.

Managed reorganised my spreadsheet of how much money i got left, owe or to pay bills. Took a lot out on me and i burst into tears.

Picked up the phone and made an appointment for councelling thru my work as i just couldn't cope how i felt inside.

Hopefully I will sleep well tonight and tomorrow is another day.

L x

Day 5,

No craving but just exhausted. Spoke to my sibling and bless him for so understanding. We had a look at my finance and offered to apply for a loan to consolidate all my debts. I will have to cut those cards off once loan comes thru and pay them off. I need to remind myself not get into this hole again. Its dark lonely and i feel ashame.

Hi Lucy,

I see that you have been struggling with your gambling for some time now. We do provide free counselling treatment with a counsellor that specialises on the issue. You can arrange a session by contacting an advisor either through the Helpline or the Netline. I am also thinking that it may not be a good idea to get a further loan but rather to speak to a financial advisor who can help you negotiate an affordable re-payment plan with your lenders. You may contact Step Change for that as they offer free and confidential financial advice.

Best wishes,

Forum Admin

Thank you. My brother already applied and is going to take charge and overlook my mental stage. I have stopped over a year and i know what my trigger point is...beside stupidity. I have already created spreadsheet for when i get paid and how much i need to put aside / pay bills etc. As for councelling. Its starting next week....hoping this will get things of my chest

I read your first post on this thread tweety and it makes me realise that its a long journey. You having a family makes your situation worse than mine for sure, really hope things work out. I know my trigger too and im hoping i can kick it. Coming on here makes you realise how widespread it is. Its opened my eyes and i feel stupid for getting myself into my situation but you gotta concentrate on the postitive. Ive just started on my journey. Wishing you the best

Hi, Lucy,

I'm really sorry to hear that you're still struggling. You joined the forum around the same time as I did but it is doable. It's been hard all round for my family, nightmare at the start but things have been quite a lot better for several months, Himself's gambling has been arrested throughout and as far as I know, he won't gamble today. It takes meetings, therapy and painful hard work to change self, him and me, and all of that is ongoing. Because the problem isn't just gambling, it's not just about him being gf. Himself is smart enough to get round the barriers if he really wanted to. He chooses not to place the first bet, he's still an addict but in recovery he tries to deal with life without gambling.

I'd urge you to get support via counselling and meetings. Painful, daunting but worth it.

And now what you really don't want to hear...you and your brother will be doing each other a huge disservice if you both let the loan go ahead. It's the equivalent of giving an alcoholic a litre bottle of premium whisky as a special birthday treat. You probably know this. Giving you money perpetuates the gambling and your best intentions now to keep up the repayments will melt away in the face of the compulsion. The same compulsion that has got you into the debt will continue and when you can't/don't pay, you'll alienate your brother.

Your brother can support you but not this way. He could be with you when you phone your creditors or StepChange, he could take you to counselling or meetings or babysit so you can go, he could manage your finances, he could help with the parents, take you to the GP if there's a medical cause for your low mood. Cash isn't the answer.

Hope you change things for you. Wish you well.

CW

Hi Lucy. I've been reading through your diary and think I know what you're going through. I have taken out many consolidation loans over the years to pay off my gambling debts, although I always tried to justify my actions based on my inadequate income to meet the family outgoings. What I had always failed to accept was that we all have choices to live our lives within the means of our personal budget, and if we get into debt and subsequently gamble again to try and get out of it, then it's not justifiable! The truth is that we have to 'own' the problem and deal with it by using fair and managable solutions. Life can be unbearably tough and stressful at times and paying off debts can seem like a mountain to climb, but it's still better than the terrible feeling of losing at gambling and total loss of control.

I really hope you can maintain control of your finances with g complete openness and accountability, because as you are fully aware the curse of gambling temptation will always be there lurking in the background. Good luck with everything!

If your in debt with debt company's such as lowell etc google the 3 letter process I used it got 2100ВЈ written of

Hi,

Sorry should have explained myself bit better.

The debt i had b4 last month to re-start my gabling was due that i moved out from my in laws 6 months ago and we had to buy a lot of furniture as we replaced with his stuff with ours and couldnt or too dirty to take to our new place we are living in. I think last month i decided to gamble again...thank god only 3 weeks - bcos last 4 month not be able spend time with my husband who constantly work bcos his boss callimg overtime last minute and cancelling our plans too...i felt like a single parents going places where my chums husbands are there. Our relationship during at my in laws werent that great either never mind we moved out ...i think i feel as if a little bit he hates me for no longer looking after his father and worry what his brother might do....my work is currently doing redundancy and not sure if im safe...so money wise n work im just cracking up. Beside that ....the underlying problems with my families and constant exhausted and never reallg got out of my depression...i thinj thats why i gambled thinking extra money can resolve everything. I should have been proud of myself not gambled well over a year!

My brother took this loan to help me out to pay of both our credit cards and its lower interest. On the term of never gambling again (which he said he wish he emphased last time or pushed me but he didnt want me feel pressurise) and i have cut up all my credit cards and my husband abd this loan pays off everything and i just repay my brother. Also i need help with my low mood.

My brother been there for me last time and this time. So i cant let him down especially financially his name is on the loan. I cant and will not let him down.
I got to think of him, my family and myself.

I need to get out of this depression....that is the reason it got me into trouble first place....lonelyness.

Councelling booked for next week. Im dreading it a bit as i dont like to open up.

But i am strong and will stay strong.

Lucy x

Just read another fellow's diary and saw a quote 'self harming without a scar'....really haunted me and make me look at myself...yeah why am i doing it? Why am i pushing the self destruct button? I know i owe money....work wise not safe so why after a year gamble free i went gambling for 3 weeks again???

Will bring this up to my councellor when time is right.

Lucy x

Lucy, I hope that we can stay strong because although we consolidate debts to provide a fresh start, psychologically it kinda lets us off the hook and sometimes leads us into a sense of false security. Then everything is ok for a while, but overspending and loss of control can bring back the financial pressure again unless we keep on top of things.

I believe that councelling can be a powerful tool to help us find the answers and we owe it to ourselves to be open and honest if we expect to benefit. However, I do think that councellors may only see the problems from a biological perspective, and perhaps they cannot be expected to know the feelings from within.

Good luck Lucy, be strong and disciplined.

Thanks for kind and strong words. I will and have to do this. For my sake and my family. I can't just think gambling is way out. I dont have urges...i think i was just low and thought it was way out to resolve my issues. I think being on here and type it up is a relieve.

Today was chilled out. Manage got a lot things done. Was more energetic with my daughter. We did drawings and make cakes lol.

L x