Trying to get my life back again

Day 18

Reached double figures. Been very emotional roller coaster. Had my first session on councelling. Went quite well...opened some open wounds which will talk more next session. Work been super busy....personal life....because im emotional wreck its seems to rubbed off some of my so called 'i will be there for you' mates which i found its all talk no actions. Guess you find who your true friends are or arent when you are in turmoil. So that made me love myself less and question myself if im that unloveable and why did i bothered be there for them but can't return the favour...its not even return the favour just be there for me. Financially its getting there. Set up direct debit pay loan and credit card paid off and all cut up and closed. So just save and repay the loan. Im not craving for the bet...i just need get my feelings and emotionally sorted.

My daughter is really giving me the strength. Last 4 days i kept myself busy by doing all sorts with her. Painting baking and took her to playpark. To see her smile and be happy makes me forget all the sad things in my life.

Lucy x

Reached 128 days. Mood so much better. Dealing with all the debts but my own side family life been a right roller coaster. Thank full of councelling he make me realise and cope what is important and take charge.
Hence been avoiding my family for a few months now and to be honest it was so peacefull. Im not sure about you guys but im watching a lot of catch up tv or emails and seems to be advertising left right and centre these gambling website. I dont have the urge its just annoys me ie i dont want to rub in my face or dangle a carrot in my face. You know what i mean. Sorry this prompt me to write today diary. Im just feeling tat irritated as i keeps creaping in these adverts.

Lucy x

128 days - well done! Not sure how to help with the adverts but keep on this gf track. It's the right way to go x

Thank you. It seems to every ad break one bingo side or gamble side popped up. Tempting to look into it and write to these tv goverment body to make awareness etc

Thats me game free of 143 days.

Councelling really helped to priority what i need to do with my life, dealing with issues and put me first instead of others as thats one of the excuses i was gambling to escape me problems.

Today is one of the low mood day. I always been there for my friends. But i have been putting myself first lately ie not runninh round to them asking how they are etc... seems like they wont even bother with me. Like im all by myself alone. Oh yeah i got tons of friends of on Facebook but feel like they are invisible. Two of my closest mate are being childish. One lost her temper last months about somethinh silly and was screaming in my face and i had to walk away from her as she can do that to her husband and family and not me. Just because she didn't get her way. And my other one needs me be there for her all the time because she is low and if isnt about her then like now i wont hear from her as i havent got in touch with her.

Sorry having wee rant here as feeling bit lonely really....

158 Days. Mood picked up lately. Threw myself in another project that keep me busy. Buried the feeling of my friends ignoring me....then finally one of them crawl out the hole and see how i was becos lol she needs something....suprise suprise. Started slowly speak to my family again....just hoping its not going to mess up my head.

Family been so far so good. Friends - really realise who they really are. Unsupportive lots. Feeling really angry at the moment. Not with my gamble free but other things.

Sending you a hug Lucy.
Don't take absent friends too personally.
People seem to have so many problems of their own nowadays that they just don't have the time for others. It's a sorry state.
Glad to hear your family are being supportive.
You have done so well - 177 days and sorting out your finances too!!
As you get stronger, maybe you could look at joining a club/ take up a hobby? Could be a way of socialising which can lead to friendship.
Keep up the hard work, you're doing great! All good wishes x

Thank you little miss. I try not to think about it. Thats what they say when they dont keep in touch. But if they have problem - the first person they call was me. But when i ie having a moan to them...they dont seemed to can't handle it and one actually said i b*tch too much - direct quote. Took me back a bit as i was there listen to her family problems and husband walked out on her leaving 3 kids - twice as he cheated. But when i have a wee rant about my family she couldnt handle it. So now (i dont tell.my issues to people only close friends which she was one of them) i took a step back from her and let her do the running. But seems like if i dont make an effort she wouldnt either.

One other close friends got upset after finding out im pregnant (she is massively over weight and been told to loose weight but never pull her finger out n now sge found out she just sign up for weight watcher!!!) And also bcos i didnt invite her to a kids do!!!! How pathetic is that!!! And haha went full on screaming match on the phone calling me names...i didnt loose my cool but hang up the phone on her as i didnt need it. I just question myself. Am i that horrible. I am still game free n try like you say keep myself busy. Focus on my little one and the new born to be and f them lol.

Thrown myself into making baby clothes knitting. Very thereupuatic lol x

Ps 176 days now!!!

Councelling really helped and open up my feelings and how to deal with it. I waa using gambling as an escape my problems and hope. I actually dont need that.

Glad counselling was a help.
You are responsible for your own actions. I'm sure you know the difference between right and wrong.
Don't let your so-called friends drag you down. If you know your intentions are good then that's all that matters.
You and your family are what you should be concentrating on for now and you seem to be doing it well.
Keep posting on here, 176 days is fab, you should be feeling really proud of yourself! 200 days will be here before you know it!
Also great to see you're keeping yourself busy - happy knitting!
All good wishes x

Thank you hun. I really think i can do it. Aim for first year and forever. Hated being in debt and watch what and how i spend each month and beside i cant afford it as got 2nd one to feed. I need focus on my family. Its unfair on them especially on my husband.

I made it to day 200!!!

Feel kinda proud at the same time really low. My family life with my folks been quiet but still rely on me heavily and just had a message from one of my sibling who is living her life to the full partying and no responsibility of my parents (bcos i am) messaged me she run low on money and bail her out. Its not the first time either . Last time was 3 months ago before her trip abroad i already lend her money that i dont have and this time again. I told her o dont have it as this month i got so much expenses to pay out.... annoying thing is...i feel guilty not able to help her out.

As for my friend...well one of them still not speaking to me well over a month now as i got pregnant. Its her loss beside i havent even got mad at her for screaming at me yet!!! Other one that was supppse to me one of my closest mate completely ignore or block me on FB. Feel tat lonely but i got my acquintance friends and my hubbu and my daughter n bump i need to focus on..

I wil keep continue gamble free and repay my debt to be debts free too. Wish me luck x