Trying to get through the fallout

Hi Joey

Thank you for posting - so we're similar then!?

It is a hustle for the month and it changes my personality as well having no money for a whole month - so depressing and at the same time trying to lead a normal life - its so draining isn't it?

I dont sleep very well and I have tried going to bed earlier in the hope I go through the night but it doesn't work unfortunately - I may miss midnight but when I'm awake at 2am the pc is powered up and I'm off in my own world - my self destruct button kicks in! Unless I have a win of course.... which is then followed by a loss straight after and then its time for work!

I just can't keep doing this - its literally crippling me financially, mentally and my health plus I've come to realise and accept the damage I'm doing to my family as I have gone too far now and I acknowledge I dont want to lose them.

Many thanks Joey - would love your support  thank you.

My friend told me today that she went to the bingo last night and won a large amount of money. She goes every week with another friend - I used to go years ago with them and then on the odd occasion but I found it boring so didn't go. When I did go the attraction was the slots. If I did manage a win on the bingo it would go in the slots - sometimes I'd put more in than the jackpot payout!

Anyway she does know I have "lost" my wages in the past and she doesn't judge me - but I do know she probably tells her other friend who does know I like to play slots and "had" a problem. I don't care actually what they think of me for some reason as they spend a lot in the bingo as they go at least twice a week and play the boards - so their monthly expenditure can add up! She also plays on-line and loses her money too.

When they win I am pleased for them - genuinely as I know what it is like to have lost and then get something back. However, when my friend told me she won this large amount, I did actually feel a little jealous this time. 

Why am I jealous - and I think it is because I know I can't play again and have that buzz of a win. I have to admit I want to play and the thought of not ever again is ....  I don't know I can't explain how I feel.... angry? jealous? .... sad?

I do need to put blocks on for on-line and I want to speak with a counsellor although I just don't know where to begin with what to say and I'm hoping to do this as soon as I can get alone time in the house - I may have to drive somewhere and phone in the car - but anyway, my question to myself is am I strong enough to say No I'm not going the bingo when inside I want too and previously I wasn't bothered!

There are free bingo sessions so technically its not gambling but I know if I'm in recovery I shouldn't attend and I don't want to but have started thinking about it.. aahhh

Also, I have not had a reply from the gaming site when I wanted to close my account. I could check whether I can log on as I have no money to play anyway - but again there are free games that I'm thinking about.

I'm hoping these thoughts are going to pass. 

I'm thinking of my plan - today I managed to set up a temporary payment plan for 2 months with a creditor for breathing space.. I'll still need more time but hey ho its 2 months !

This forum is helping me x

I went to bed around 10.30pm last night and woke once around 3am - didn't have any thoughts of gambling at all and went back to sleep and I feel good this morning! Much more rested.

I'm going to plan my day and hopefully I will be able to speak with a counsellor. 

Just gonna have a quick read on the site before starting my day.

Best wishes to everyone

Still dealing with the fallout.

I managed to speak with a counsellor at the weekend which was very helpful - about putting a plan in place and whether I need a referral for therapy. I'm getting a call back after my trigger point ie night before pay day and pay day has passed to see how I am.

I'm still dealing with creditors which is very stressful, still committing to overtime and still having issues with hubby. I've also started eating a load of junk food which is normal but rather excessive at the moment - need to stop that as well !! 

Its going to be a tough few months to get  back on the right path financially but hopefully will get there.

The early stages are very hard, stick to a plan,budget.

Dont let creditors stress you,if they bug you complain,they only get what you can afford and if they dont like it pay £1 a month until they accept your payment plan.If you need any advice on that ask,I've been through it twice.

Have you got all online blocks in place yet? 

I'm 5 months in because of blocks and a debt plan of 3-4 years and an acceptance of being unable to ever gamble again ,not 1p .

It's like a born again moment,its not easy as I first told you but start this way and the rest is down to how much you want a normal life.

Keep going.

Thanks Holycrosser for keeping an eye out for me 🙂 They do stress me out - when they ask so why have you missed your payment - I can't say ... I've gambled it - I have agreed to bring payments up-to-date at my next pay day so it will be a tough month through September (as well as this month). I just can't deal with them - i went through similar 10 years ago and still making paying off the remaining debt from that! - this wasn't gambling that was later!

Not got the online block on yet as I have closed account. I know I should have by now but feel ok as I dont have money to gamble and I know come pay day all that money is going out of my account.... don't know why I haven't yet but its on my list to do. I'm still busy with working full time, overtime, dealing with creditors etc

I haven't managed to say no to the £1 lottery in work yet - not because I want to gamble - I'm not bothered by it to be honest - just how do I get out of it... as I know if I'm doing this properly I shouldn't be in it. Its pathetic I cant say- oh I'm not going to be in it anymore because....... why?  I can't say the real reason !

Ok mate, Gamstop is an email, the one email that may just save your future, I mean that.

Sign up for 5 years, don’t put it off, it’s your number one necessity.

you must just say no more to the lottery, I did it, I just said I won’t gamble sorry, mate there’s no exceptions to this.Gambling debt isn’t a crime, pay what you can afford, gambling debt is the same as any other.

with work you don’t have to give a reason mate, it’s just excuses, sorry but you can’t be in it.

you have to accept this is for life, nothing, no gambling.

Today spoke with the car finance people - i promised to pay end of month. I think that is all of them now i have spoken with apart from 2 who haven't contacted me. Hopefully I can have a breather now.

Funnily enough we were talking in work about the staff lottery and my colleague won a small figure and hadnt been paid out yet (from last week). Everyone is dropping out so I think its my opportunity to get out of it and save face without having to think of excuse why I'm pulling out.  Will be letting her know I'm no longer wishing to be in it. 

I’ve been reading through your diary and you really must get Gamstop on. It’s so easy and quick to do. It takes 5 mins and you don’t need to speak to anyone. 

It can really help you. I know you say you only play on one site - I did - well mostly. Then I blocked it, payday came and I just went on other sites. 

I stop briefly in October and then relapsed hard around Christmas until just recently. I’m on day 14 today. And like you I’m struggling. I used to gamble almost every single day.

Please please please make sure you’re protected come payday so you don’t fall into the trap.  

Ive also been watching some YouTube videos on how slots work and it’s really helped. 

Keep on fighting though. Think of your future happiness 

Hi Catbradley, 

I will do it - its just been crazy time for me and I know  it needs to be in place before payday. Do they ask personal questions and need all kinds of information do you know? 

They asked me three personal questions at the end to make sure it was me but it was pretty simple 

Thank you Catbradley - I'll put it in place before payday. 

I woke at around 3am today and my instant thought was I would play online if I had money in the bank. Obviously I haven't but I know I would have if there was cash there. Then I started thinking I'm using excuses not to put blocks in place aren't I.... I'm too busy, dealing with creditors etc.?

I think the truth of the matter is that I don't want to let go of the site... yep the one that's eating all my money!

I feel quite pathetic really as the realisation that I think I can control myself - when last night proved again that I can't even after having my plan to set up blocks... I wanted to play.

I did read stories on the site at 3am for a couple of hours and then eventually fell asleep. I'm actually worse than I  thought initially.

I have a few pounds in my purse - that's it.

Hubby is paying for shopping and I hope puts some petrol in the car to get me to work. He tends to do this each week and I had topped it up last week. We're still barely speaking and quite frankly I don't blame him.

I need to address the blocks and review the finances for next month as I committed to more than I can avoid to avoid the stress of the creditors - hence more stress!

I'm quite scared really at how I was last night as I have my plan and I would have played. Once the blocks are in place I should be safer as I can't go through another month like this... I really can't. I hope I feel like strong when i wake up tonight. I have no money but what if I did !!  I know get the blocks sorted - I am.

I'm awake and haven't been asleep yet. I'm thinking a lot about my addictions. It's not just gambling, its eating, it's whatever I'm into next such as watching a full box set, reading all the books by an author...I've obviously a compulsive personality. 

I've tried reading and its not helping me sleep. My mind is working overtime. 

My daughter "lectured" me today over my car insurance as I had just let it continue and didn't shop around - I couldn't tell her that I dont have any money to swap insurance providers. But she lectured me infront of her partner and I was so annoyed and humiliated that we had this argument. She means well but the delivery was wrong in my eyes but it stems to my issue with having no money as I have gambled it.

I know there will be other days when issues arise because of my gambling.. will it ever end. Feel really sick and tired of it all and I want to be out of this debt and I'm having thoughts of winning some money back. I can't play  so no more losses but the thoughts  or urge is there.

I'm recognising them and the only thing stopping me is i have no money. I'm quite scared by this. I hate being a gambler.

I'm going to try to sleep now - i feel upset.

goodnight x

So I eventually fell asleep. Hubby was up in the night with an upset tummy. I had one earlier ... must have been his cooking! I asked him did he buy dodgy meat and he snarled at me! At least I know his mood today.

The cat kept waking me up when I eventually did get to sleep hence I'm soooo tired today. In fact I'm just about to get up. 

Now the cat has vomited. 

Oh the joys. 

I need to go shopping for food and I'm just not in the mood but life goes on.

Although I'm tired, I feel slightly better than last night mood wise. Just going to keep busy with cleaning, shopping, etc and i so hope I can get a good night's sleep tonight!

So I'm disappointed in myself in that there was a small amount of shopping money left over which i transferred to my bank. I checked the site I play on to see if they had closed my account and they hadn't. I played free games and then the small amount in my bank. Obviously I didn't win and I know if the block was in place this wouldn't have happened. I was sure I would have been ok till before payday as I had no money to play.  This has shown me that its not the figure that I'm concerned about gambling (I seem to think the large sums I gamble are the issue) but its the urge to gamble is the problem and I stupidly let it get the better of me to try to win some money back.

That night I spoke with my daughter about helping me to put the block in place as I told her I have gambled. The shock and disappointment was evident. She said I promised I wouldnt and she had no idea that I have been gambling again. I went through everything with her in that I am seeking help and what my plans are in going forward. She urged me to speak with hubby and I explained I can't - I just can't and assured her with these blocks in place I can move forward. She will be helping me upon her return from work travel in the next couple of days. I literally have no money to gamble.

I have informed the colleagues in work  that I no longer wish to be included in the game.

I have made arrangements with creditors to be up-to-date by pay day. 

Then tonight I went to bed early as I was exhausted and woke at 1.30am. I checked my bank as I knew o/d charges would come out and I would be left with pence. The bank hasn't taken any charges and this concerns me terribly. I had spoken with them last week to say I would be paying back loan, cc and put some money for the o/d charges which I did (a few pounds from coinage I had) but since Monday no daily charge have come out.

I'm now stressing that they will take all my overdraft off me come pay day when I have set up all these arrangements to pay creditors back! I feel physically sick with worry. I can't speak with the bank as I'm in work and it will mean I also can't pay hubby housekeeping and all my creditors if they do this - I'm struggling to see how I can fix this - if they take it - I don't stand a chance! Hence I'm on here worrying at 3.15am! I'm up for work in a couple of hours so I'll sign off and hope sleep comes to me.

This is all because I have gambled - I'm so angry with myself - same old, same old! I just can't speak to hubby and I know the response from this post will be I should have put block in place to avoid that play and to speak with hubby but I want to fix this without him and I just don't know what to do if the bank take the o/d facility away - I dont know if i can wait a week to see if they do this. I dont want to ring bank if I can get an opportunity and then ask them are you taking my o/d and then they can say you gamble your money and we want it back - so humiliating. Is this never ending!