Uphill struggle

At day 21 for me so good to read this. 99.9% of my gambling on line. I spent 1900 of winnings in one day on slots. I've gambled for 35yrs lost probably 300,000 went bankcrupt. Still the urge is there.

Hi there thank you so much for dropping by on my diary. We will beat this.

There is no way I am going to let those online sites beat me up for a few spins on a wheel. The buzz is still there for me but writing down my hate for these cash cows really gets me running away.

I Am looking forward to hearing great things from your posts. Thanks once again.

Thanks for all of your support. I phoned my phone company today asking if I could block gambling sites. No problem they said. We'll just block 'over 18' sites. I was really pleased. I came off and tried to get on a gambling site to check it had worked. and couldn't get on it! Great thought me, i wished I'd done it years ago.
Then disaster. I tried to get on other sites like asda, groupon and couldn't get onto them either. The clinch came when I couldn't get onto my work account. I need to download jobs and my only option is to use my phone. No good then. Had to ring phone company again and take it off. Day 17 soon. Still determined.

Day 17. Went out with family last night. Sat chatting, having a laugh and it struck me how much better I was feeling in myself.
I didn't feel like I had a dark cloud above my head. I didn't feel like I had a large weight on my back. I didn't feel like I was putting on an act because I had a guilty secret.
Yes I've still got all my debts. Yes, I still worry how I am going to cope but it's amazing how not gambling for a short while can change you emotionally.
Waking up in a morning, first thoughts are how much did I lose last night? answer = big fat 0 pounds = good feeling. Long may it continue.

Oh my, emotions emotions.
It can sometimes bring me down reading this site. There's a lot of sad stories, struggles and upset. It's such a difficult addiction to conquer an control. Scarey thoughts when I'm just 17 days in.
When I get a quiet 10 minutes I still think about online slots and I remember the buzz just watching the reels spinning.
I then bring myself to think about how much better I'm feeling in myself and that today I thought blimey, my bank balance still looks like it did a few days ago when I looked - amazing! I used to hate having to look at my bank statement and see all the withdrawals for gambling sites.
In quiet times, the spin of the reels beckon but I've got to keep thinking of all the negatives.
Tires me out. This site can be depressing but it keeps my mind occupied. Sleepy now so it's done the trick again. So ends another gf day x

Difficult one. I say this site can be depressing but I need it, it helps me. I guess I'm looking at the negative. There's so many who write upset with themselves. There seems to be so many who try to stop. They count the gf days then trip up again.
I don't want a lifetime of being beholden to this addiction.
I've got myself into this mess so I guess I'm stuck with it. I suppose learning to deal with it is the next step.
I'm not all negative. There's also people on this site who are amazing. Giving words of encouragement and advice to those in need.
Thank you to all of you and long may your gf days continue.
Sending strength to all in need.
Sorry if people think I'm waffling, just ignore me. In a stupid way it helps.

So to bed. Instead of gambling at this time of the night I read this site.
Amazing touching stories of people's lives.
I'm halfway through a good reading book but find myself reading posts instead.
Mixed emotions.
Sometimes I'm uplifted, sometimes think I'm a hopeless case especially when I read only 4% fully recover from this addiction - really?? Not good.
Plucked up the courage to look at my bank statement tonight. Clear as day the gambling websites. My daughter couldn't fail to notice all the money I'd spent at online sites. The names of them clearly stating they were casinos.
She's still not mentioned it and neither have my other daughters.
On holiday from work tomorrow. Spending the day with my daughters. Will they question me? I'll find out in morning.
Day 19 tomorrow. I will succeed! I have to because I hate the alternative x

You're doing really well. I've been where you are with the posts on here but if it was easy this place wouldn't be busy.

Take strength from the negatives and learn from others mistakes and don't repeat them.

The good stuff and they're is lots of it, take inspiration from them and you will continue to find some great stories and that give you that lift and show it is possible

KTF

Thanks KTF and Half- life for taking time out.
I really don't fancy GA. Partly because I don't want to be recognised and I don't want to admit in front of others - is that bad? Does that mean I'm not serious about wanting to stop? I hope not.
Maybe if I'd lost a few thousand I wouldn't feel so bad but I haven't. I've lost much much more and I feel terrible about it. Fool, idiot, stupid, weak, mug, sad are all words which come to mind.
I've made decisions in earlier life that have filled me with guilt and remorse. I've got personal problems now in life but hasn't everybody? That should not be an excuse .
Through gamcare I've had a course of counselling to deal with my guilt issues and yes I spoke about it. Yes, my counsellor was great. Made me feel I'd done the best I could in the circumstances But still the outcome was, i'll never forgive myself. Yes I'll deal with it and I can get by with that.
The reason I'm saying this is because I can't see what another course of counselling could do for me either. I've said all I wanted to say.
Its not easy to admit and say things you're not proud of.
What am I left with, which could help to take away the problem? Not a lot.
I'm doing ok. I apologise if what I've written is wishy washy. Looking forward to another gf evening.

Ps I said looking forward to a gambling free evening. To be honest, I'd much rather hide away, go on the slots, spin the reels and feel the buzz but i know I've not got the finances to do it and I know I'll probably end up hating myself more when I've lost so. . . gambling free it's got to be if I want to stay sane and not turn into a hundred miles an hour heart racing, panic attacking, self- loathing heap. That's a good enough reason.
In fact now I've written this I'm thinking what an idiot. I've made myself feel sick thinking I'd rather be doing that. Gambling sites have had enough off me and enough of me.
I like not feeling as I've just described above. I've felt like it many times. I don't feel like it now 20 days gf and I don't want to feel like it again.
Sorry if anyone reads, I chat rubbish but it helps.

Just worked out - £400 a month I'm paying out solely on gambling debts accumulated over the past 4 years. (Low interest bank loan, 0%credit cards and loan from brother.)
I'll be having to pay this for the next 5 years to clear my debts.
Unfortunately it leaves me with next to nothing at the end the month and means i have to work a 6 day week.
Anyone who may be reading this who thinks I'm not sure if I have a problem take heed.
Carry on gambling or in my case doing online slots and you too can have debts like me.
STOP NOW, do something else, please learn from my mistakes. There's so much more you can be doing.
Oh what I could do with that £400. I try not to think about it now, it's too upsetting but I want to be able to think about it in 5 years time when because I stopped gambling now that money will be mine to enjoy.

Thanks half -life. I contacted step change a couple of months ago. Their plans showed me paying similar amounts as to what I'm paying now but to allow me to have a bit of extra money at the end of the month they told me to pay only a small amount a month to my brother. (£10) I can't do that so I didn't go with them. (Mind you stupidly I added a couple of extra grand on a credit card after I'd spoken to them so not sure what they'd say now) I already have 0% interest credit cards and a low percentage interest on my bank loan. All my mortgage /utilities are paid by direct debits and up to date so it's just the loans and credit cards.
I know I've got to draw a line under the losses.
To be honest at the moment I'm just grateful my minds thinking pretty clearly, I'm slowly taking my head back out of the sand which I've been burying it in and looking at the damage I've done financially and even though its not easy I'm feeling a bit happier in myself for being able to do so.
In the recent past I have honestly felt I've been spiralling further and further down and out of control.
I've been terrified thinking if I can't stop this I'll lose everything - health, home, family and friends. Having massive panic attacks and calling helplines in the middle of the night and early morning.
At the minute I'm content with knowing I feel like I'm coping, I'm sleeping better and if I stay gamble free things can only improve. Massive bonus just being able to think this way. At one point I never thought I'd be able to again.
I know I've a long slog ahead of me. I can't become complacent and let myself get sucked in again. I don't want to feel that desperate ever again.
Day 21 tomorrow yeh! - It sounds longer than 3 weeks!!

5.40am and awake. Just re- read my first posts on new members intros forum.
I'm in a good place at the moment. Instead of thinking negatively about the money i have to pay towards debts I'm thinking positively. With thoughts of in the future those debts can only go down and not up anymore. I've had enough of thinking that's another ВЈ1000 added on a credit card. Juggling from one card to another. Instead of added I want to be able to think thats another £1000 taken off. For years I've been skinning myself paying hundreds every month towards debts which every month just go up because I've continued gambling. Not any more. I long for the moment I can feel like I'm making inroads and my debts will get smaller. Truthfully I know it will take a long time to notice any changes but whilst my brain is happy to think in this way I'm more than happy to allow it. It's a d**n sight better than the negative feelings that I normally have.
One day becomes a week, next big step is that week to become a month. Memo to me; Stay positive li'l miss, it's such a better way of life. x

Hi LML,

Thanks for your kind words on my diary page. Nice reading your last post with yousaying "I'm in a good place at the moment". One of the first things they told me at GA was "forget about money lost, that's gone".........If I can do it so can anyone! Believe me I hated losing, chasing loses was the worst and most damaging part of my addiction. Ok, the debts there to pay back, don't go stretching yourself trying to pay it off too quickly. Enjoy life gamble free, everyday you are saving money not gambling. We all know everyday life has its up and downs but mix in with that a gambling addiction, who wants to live a life like that. I never want to return! At the moment I'm only paying the minimum from my debt. At the moment its interest free on a CC, so any spare cash I overpay on my mortgage.

To be honest I do have a worry that once all the gambling debts have been paid off in 3-4 years (that's my plan) then I may be vulnerable, as that's a place where I started. But I'm not worrying about that "one day at a time". Like you end your last post "stay positive"..........again great mind set. Live the life and bl00dy enjoy it. That month gamble free will be here soon. X

All the best. Shep

Hey little miss lost,

New member here and like yourself I have recently decided enough is enough, I can't believe how so many people on this site have the same or similar stories and I have been hiding this and eating away at myself.

I have not had a gamble in a day so would not have any advice that would be of use to you.

Good luck with your recovery though, each day is a new day