Uphill struggle

Great to hear from the above, thanks.
Good day again today. On holiday from work at the moment. Went to a big car boot nearby. Actually bought a couple of bits for myself. Didn't add up to much but a month ago I wouldn't have bought them. That's because I'd have thought I can't because I would have just lost money the night before.
Yes I'm in my overdraft but I know I'm paying a lot of my hard earned wages off my debts at the end of the month so I'm going to allow myself a few treats. Ridiculous really. I spent just under a tenner on myself and it felt great. I thought nothing of putting hundreds into a slot machine online but in the past a couple of things I bought today I wouldn't have bought if I hadn't had these last three gf weeks. I know that for a fact.
All's good. Here's to tomorrow.

Hi LML, the fear you have about meetings is real but that doesn't mean you need to fear them! I did too to start with, I was petrified that people would know my dirty little secret, good people who thought I was next in line to be the Queen (or someone really important & lovely & good), people who probably would have believed me if I'd denied being me & invented a twin but I went to one & have to admit it was magical! The obvious question you will be wanting to ask is how I get on @ them now but I can't answer because when I say I went to one, I literally did! It was day@atime's main room then & it was a 2 hour drive away. I know where my local one is & I will be there like a shot if I wobble or my recovery takes a different path to the one I am currently on which is a kind of bury my head in the sand & enjoy being gamble free one. The reason I am waffling is your question about how to move forwards when you can never forgive yourself & although I know jack all about the 12 steps, I do understand that this is part of the recovery process!

If you haven't already, have a wade through day@atime's diary! There is some painful stuff in there but he's been in recovery for 9 years & is making his recovery count so he's learned a thing or 2. There may be some 'exercises' in there that you find useful or some stuff that hits home & helps you move past your painful decisions of your past!

Try not to get too hooked up on the financial side of things, get to those car boots & enjoy every penny you spend on yourself & as you rebuild your relationship with money, keep fighting hard to rebuild your relationship with you!

As my good friend Ade2 told me, we're not bad people, we just took a wrong turn! Yes, we may have to manage our addictions for life but having gotten up from rock bottom, sure makes the li'l things count - ODAAT

Kind of you to take time out ODAAT. I'll look up day@atime a later.
Feeling OK at the moment but always so conscious of the fact that I have a gambling problem.
Every now and again out of nowhere it hits me smack, bang, Whollap, right between the eyes!
It's usually followed by me asking myself the question 'just who am I? what the hell have I done, how did I get to this?'
Sick feeling then appears only to slowly fade away when I tell myself . . .
'I'm OK. Look how much better you're feeling in yourself. Come on, you can do it!!'
Sign of madness talking to myself? - maybe, but it works for me haha!
There is light at the end of the tunnel. I've just got to stay on the right tracks.
Sending strength to all in need. We CAN and MUST do this!!

Arggghh for goodness sake, just read a fair chunk of ODAATS diary. Inspiration in abundance i moved onto looking on Internet for information on a medical problem a friend has just told me about and what came up in between but an advert showing my favourite slot game. The bright colours the graphics and that flipping Irish leprechaun beckoning me in along with those glistening pots of gold. My heart flipped, my brain went into overdrive - oh my, I've missed you I thought. Then STOP I inwardly screamed to myself. What the hell are you doing? Only a month ago that little fella had you acting like a mad woman, crying down the phone -REMEMBER!!!. Think about how you've been feeling since you kicked him into touch. Stop looking at the colourful mesmerising spinning reels. They've been the cause of your downfall. They bring nothing but misery.
Day 23 tomorrow - doesn't sound that many days but it's a start. A start I'm determined to continue.
Strength to all. We are in charge of our own gambling destiny.

Great to your positivity been shared around the forum. Over 3 weeks now and some clarity coming into your thoughts. Keep treating this addiction with the respect it needs and you will continue to reap the rewards.

KTF

Oldhamktf wrote:

Great to your positivity been shared around the forum. Over 3 weeks now and some clarity coming into your thoughts. Keep treating this addiction with the respect it needs and you will continue to reap the rewards.

KTF

Thanks for the drop in on my diary too. Appreciate the support. Keep looking on others diaries and keeping an open mind

All the adverts for the gambling sites just make me appreciate the greed and profits these companies make. Whether it's showing "great offers" or "live prices" or the "jackpots of the on-line slots", yes they are there for new customers but mainly there to keep us gamblers hooked. No way do they care how much we lose, all we are to them are customers. On-line gamers are just a username and an email address. They don't care where you live, family members, your past and even your credit rating. As long as you credit your account by whatever means they don't care.

So my mind set now when I see these adverts is "You greedy b...t..ds, your nothing to me now". I remember in my early recovery once seeing 3 gambling adverts in succession on one of the Sky channels and I had to turn over in disgust!

Hello Little miss lost

That d**n Leprechaun.

It's a common misconception that Leprechauns are lucky. Leprechauns are charmingly mischievous tricksters. The folklore fable of a Leprechaun is principally to warn against greed and the foolishness of trying to get rich quick.

Remember that next time you see one.

How apt that they feature on so many slot games.

Lucky the Leprechaun has done a great job promoting the lucky image of Leprechauns by landing the deal to be the face of a famous breakfast cereal and further deceiving people into believing Leprechauns are lucky.

Give me Tony the Tiger any day.

Pleased to see you have received some great support already. Have seen you round the forum giving great support to others.

Keep up the good work!

You're bringing a lot of good to the forum.

Blessings

Glint

Massive thank you to all the above for such kind words. I've just read your post to me Glint and it made me smile.
Half life I have put an ad blocker on my phone. Not too keen on doing things like that, firstly cos I'm not very good with technology and secondly I worry because I'm not very good, I'm an easy target to download something I wish I hadn't!
Anyway I think I've succeeded to download one. Time will tell.
Had a mixed couple of days.
Been really busy. Happy times/events are happening for me with my family.
I really want to enjoy this but it's difficult when money is scarce. (I'm in my overdraft now so really I don't have a penny of my own) I know people say there's lots you can do where you don't need money but when events are organised (celebration meals, family daytrips etc) you want to go.
This then sets the voice in your head which says 'just think, if you hadn't gambled for the last 4 years you'd easily have the money.' Arggh go away regrets and thinking about past losses!!'
If only it was that simple to get rid of those thoughts!!
I suppose the positives I have to take from this are that I'm actually aware and thinking about the damage I've done. As I've stated previously I've been very good at burying my head in the sand! Now I'm more aware, it makes me more determined not to go back there.
I also now consciously tell myself to not beat myself up, accept what's happened and look forward to a better way of life.
One where there will be no massive black cloud above my head. No heavy weight upon my back and no more self disgust caused he gambling. Bliss!!
Strength to all. If I can see my gf days clocking up there's hope for all - don't give up - a better life awaits!!

Changed my password the other day. I'd originally set it up with the one I used on the online gambling sites. Every time I logged in it felt like I was logging in to gamble. I'm trying to get away from it so I don't want it any more. Funny what little things get to you.
Sending positive thoughts to one and all x

Hi I'm dizzy read your diary last night our stories are the same I'm on day 87 now and this place definitely helps, we all support each other, early days are tough but remember they say 30 days to break a habit, every day you get under your belt makes you feel stronger the self hating starts to fade debts start to be repaid and we learn to be kinder stop by and read my diary youl be surprised how similar we are take care and weldone for coming this far xxx

Good morning and thank you for posting on my diary. I really appreciate it.

I can really relate to the regret about not having the money to do the fun things in life because it has been spent on gambling. It took me a long time to get past the self loathing and to be honest I still have those days but I promise it does get easier with time.

I find putting a small amount of money away each month for my children's future as well as a small amount for a holiday really helps to focus my mind.

Take care and stay strong.

Dave X

Thanks dave, good to hear from you.
Well here goes another day.
I've been reading a few diaries.
There's so many of us in the same boat. I truly want to achieve what many on this site have gone on to achieve - to be gamble free.
I know I can. Reading diaries where many were In the same position as me proves that with care It can be done. So uplifting and good to read how being gf has given people such a better quality of life.
It's hard, I still miss the buzz but I'm equally loving not waking up in the morning with sore eyes, aches, pains and self loathing.
Head and heart feel ten times lighter, which results in me feeling soo much happier. x

I picture myself getting my 4 children together to tell them why I never have any money even though they see me work and earn a decent wage.( I say children, they're in their mid to late 20's.)
What puts me off is knowing they'll probably tell their partners who will then pass it on to others. people i just wouldnt want to know. Unfortunately that's just the way of the world. They've told me about others who have lost a lot of money through gambling in the past.
I wouldn't want their dad, my ex husband to know.
I've already had one label attached to my name, there's no way I want another. That's why I talk myself out of telling them. I couldn't bear to think people are talking about me again. I know people might say I've got to face up to the facts but In the long run i can't do it x

Doing my own head in this afternoon and evening.
Feeling sorry for myself, dragging myself down.
Brought myself up to bed. The usual bedtime routine reminds me of when I used to play the slots. Jump into bed, heart starting to race cos I knew I'd be playing the slots as soon as I got into bed. Head thinking - maybe this time I'll win, I wonder if I'll get the bonus??!
Of course most of the time I'd never win. Of course most of the time when I did win I'd keep playing thinking tonight could be my night. I might get another bonus!! Idiot - cos you never did or on the rare occasion you did but you'd already put the first bonus winnings back in so it never added up to much.
I need to get a new life!
Just got to keep totting the days up.