Uphill struggle

Let them talk...The people that matter won't judge you! Took me a very long time to even admit my name on here for fear of being recognised, now, not so much...I did what I did, can't undo it! Keep working on the bad feelings you have towards yourself, the ones you were trying to run from whilst in action...Gambling didn't make them go away, hard work can.

I don't know how much of my crazy you got through but Hopeful Soul & I have a saying 'tipu tapu'...You don't need to charge forwards, baby steps will do! My bedroom isn't where I did my damage, it's my safe place especially now I have a magic Salt Lamp in it. Have you thought about moving your room about, change the environment with the bad memories so you can create new peaceful ones where you read & rest & smile - ODAAT

Thanks ODAAT, really means a lot to me you taking time out and passing on your advice.
I put my details in step change again to see what they'd advise.
I read so many people have benefitted from it that I thought I must have done something wrong last time I did it.
Needless to say I had misunderstood it. Before I had missed out the bit where it said how much I'd have to pay back a month. I just looked at the bit that they said my creditors should get paid and thought, well I'm doing that anyway - Duh!!
I think I'll look into it further because what they advised looks so much more manageable than what I pay now.
Only problem is my pay is a bit complicated so I'll have to see how it'll work.
There's the credit ratings etc to be taken into account as well but let's face it I won't be able to afford any more credit anyway.
A few other things would have to be done which I wouldn't be keen on doing but I suppose I've got to bite the bullet, I've got myself into this mess I should get myself out of it. I've just got to keep thinking if i do it will be worth it. Anyway it's given me a bit of hope so that's good.
They recommended an IVA. My situation could also call for bankruptcy as well.
I'd still be working 6 days a week but at least it looks like I'd have a bit of money for myself at the end of it. What makes me worry now is if anything went wrong say my washer broke down etc I'd have to pay for it on my credit card. That means they'd never go down.
Anyway diary, I'm waffling again. I better try to sleep.
Wishing strength, determination, good health and happiness to all on the site.
Here's to another gf month.

Feeling totally flat. I know I've to keep going . I know life can only improve by stopping gambling so then why do I feel so low?
I'm really busy at the moment, I've lots happening in my life but still I whine.. Stupid thing is I'm fed up of feeling fed up!
Nobody has to reply, I'm just hoping writing it down, gets it out of my system so I can pick myself up.
Day 35. Pathetically missing the buzz of bonus spins.
Got to big up the buzz of waking in a morning knowing gambling has not got me in its tight grip, I'm no longer sweating, panicking and screaming at myself.
Thank God for this site, who else would understand.

Heya guessing u can't sleep either 95 days gf and I'm still waking thinking about finances and the deviation and destruction my gambling has caused but it does feel better I think you go through a grieving process like uve lost a friend and you feel bad for missing it but it's become normal like brushing your teeth so it's bound to feel weird stick in there kiddo we are all here look at my diary and see my 2 3am rabblings I felt kind of lonely without it crazy to say not a good "friends to be now £16,000 in debt but do what u gotta to do to get thro it!dizzy stay strong x

Hey hun thanks for posting on my diary it's really kind 35 days is pretty amazing for u babe's.i connect with your feeling down I still feel down but I think it's the realisation of the stress I've caused myself if only I'd stopped even 6 months ago things would have been better.i remember getting ppi money I had such big plans I was going to pay off debts I had it 24hours and gambled most of it away.pennies from heaven,could of taken my kids away ,new car,anything but no I decided to throw it in the gutter but what is done is done what is gone is gone but it still leaves a bitter taste in our mouth.on a up note I am getting my puppy tomorrow something I would of never done a)I would of never had the money to buy it and take it to the vets b)I would have been too selfish to take care of it as it would of taken me away from gambling (just being honest )really looking forward to long country walks and cuddles on the sofa it's a distraction really away from what stresses me anyway can't wait !thanks again dizzy x

Hey little miss...thanks for popping into my diary and your kind words....I'm glad one of my posts helped you....that young lady will be you in a few months time if you just hang on in there.. ride the tide...do whatever works for you in this journey. Open and honest is the key to it all I think....one day at a time until the urges and turmoil of it all settle down a bit ...then like me you'll understand so much more about how you landed here a compulsive gambler.....we're not bad people honey. ...just normal people who got caught up in the destructive world of compulsive gambling....all of us for very different reasons. ....so onwards and upwards love....you can do it x

Hello hun how are you feeling right now you are doing amazing have you found the urges subsiding I found around 30 days things seemed a lot easier!you definitely still get rough days and find yourself repeating cycles as if your about to gamble then your head says no I'm not doing that anymore!I still get days where I feel down where the profound stupidity hits me but they are getting less stay strong lots of love dizzy x

Hi,

Thanks for your message and your support. I really appreciate it. I hope that all is well with yourself. Take care.

Dave

Thank you for the kind post Little miss lost.

'Thoughtful, witty and encouraging' you say.

Who am I to argue with that?

How are you?

Been over a week since the last update. Can feel the struggle through your posts but also see a lot of strength.

Nothing pathetic about missing the buzz. I get that. We're addicts, we uncontrollably crave gambling. It's powerful - not something that will go away overnight.

Keep making progress and the right choices Little miss lost.

Less than a week away from 50 days - doing great even if you're not feeling great yet.

Let me tell you: things will get better.

Hang on in there.

Thanks glint, had a busy week so not had much time to post and not felt too tempted.
But tonight, tonight is different. Had a few hours to myself and boy how I have struggled. I received a letter in the post on a credit card which I had cleared and cut up a couple of months ago.
Now tonight I've been thinking all sorts of stupid things like putting large amount bets on for spins and spending up to £500 on it.
Thinking that if I put a big amount on because I haven't been on for a while I might win. If I win I could clear some of my debts etc etc.
I did take a step back though.
I thought about the gf days count I've built up on here which would have to go back to zero, this tugged at me a bit but then I thought, stuff it, it's my life why shouldn't I? what's it to anyone else! I thought about how I'm going to get back in touch with step change to go ahead with an Iva because I'm struggling with my debts and how I want to be able to say to them I haven't gambled now for over a month. I thought about how my friend asked me only today if I've 'been good' and I replied yes. I wouldn't be able to say that next time.
Yet still all my brain thought about was being able to watch those reels spin round and wanting to watch them stop, visualising them stopping on a bonus! The pull is so much. I know it will end in tears but still the stupid part in my brain says maybe it won't!!! The even dafter part in my head said I don't care if I don't win - I just want to watch those reels!!
It's soooo hard.
I forced myself to come on here.
Glint, I bet you didn't realise when you wrote the above post but you've stopped me in my tracks.
My brain had gone into gambling overdrive and I was struggling big style.
I truly do want to stop. I don't want my new beautiful little grandson to have a gambling addict for a granny. I don't want to upset others by this term but that's what I'd be. 44 days ago I was a complete mess. I've got to remember this. I don't want to go back to being that.
Thanks Glint, sounds dramatic which I don't intend it to be but you've made me come to my senses. I won't win no matter how much I put on. I hadn't won and managed to keep any winnings for months and months. Tonight would not have been any different. I've got to believe that.
To be honest I'm upset that gambling still has this pull. I wish it would go and it disheartens me to think it probably won't.
I will get to my 50 days gambling free count. I will go to work tomorrow and the money I earn I will keep.
Stay strong everyone
We've just got to beat this.
I've got to remember i'm doing it for my lovely family.

It's not just about staying strong, it's about channelling the strength in the right direction. Time money location, when you're strong the best advice is to break the triangle to buy you time when you're less strong, when the inevitable compulsion tempts you.

And channelling your strength means using the GA or counselling to help you overcome the addiction, that's no sinecure, it takes strength.

Wish you well. Stay safe, keep posting.

CW

Hey. ..
Well done on coming here instead of running to the slots...
You know deep down it would end in more tears. ..
More debt...more heartache....
I've been exactly were you are tonight... all the feelings you typed tonight I've felt love.. ..I promise you it will get better....ride the wave love....it will get easier.....it's all a bit like chicken pox hun. ...
All the nasty spots have got to come out before you can begin to heal....
The days are mounting up love...keep the guards up...be strong....you can do this ....x

Well done for not giving in. You need to remove the temptation of this credit card. Keep posting and reading it helps keep the demons at bay and like you said you don't want to go back to that place you was about 6 weeks ago. Avoid the first bet that's the only one you have to focus on.

KTF

PHEW!!!

Didn't like where that was going as I tentatively read your last post through my fingers.

Well done, I'm really pleased I helped. That's what I try to do.

Good posts above, like Cynical wife's response.

Can you do more?

That is the question.

I'm not worried about you - I just don't want to be put through another post like that last one!

I'm no counsellor, more understanderor - I can identify with your urges to gamble. I notice that you write a lot about wanting to stop for the sake of friends, family, StepChange and your previous counsellor - all very admirable. You seem more concerned about what others think of you than what you think of yourself.

That's what you might need to work on.

I think trying to forgive yourself is one of the toughest things. Something that I - like many others here - struggle with.

Trying another counsellor might be a good idea. What have you got to lose? GamCare offer counselling free.

I think having regrets is good in a way: you should care if you make mistakes in life. Caring is good. Shows good character. Need to learn to manage regrets and not punish yourself with them.

Oscar Wilde once said: "The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future."

Keep trying to find ways to make this easier for yourself.

Always take that step back to think before you gamble. Come here, read the forum and your own diary before you decide to gamble.

Pleased to write that you're still doing great, try not to be so hard on yourself or make this harder for yourself than it has to be.

You have a future without gambling.

Thanks to all the above for your kind words. It's so good to know there are people on this site who understand.
Yes, last night was a close shave but I only realised this morning that I had the credit card number on my letter but I didn't have the three digit number off the back of the card! I kind of have a few numbers in my head that I could have tried but I didn't know it for definite. Letter is now ripped to shreds, credit card number gone.
CW. When I read your post I'll be honest. I thought it's easy for you to say. I have handed my debit/credit cards over to my friend. It's not easy facing the facts that at 52 years of age I'm not capable of keeping them myself. I know I don't want to go to GA and I've had councilling. (Maybe because i had councilling near my home) but i didn't like parking my car, walking into the building, seeing people and have them think she's a gambling addict. Is that wrong of me? Should it not bother me? It didn't make me feel good about myself. I used to think, I hope I don't see anyone I know. Well, whether it should or whether it shouldn't I didn't like the way it made me feel.
Glint, you're right - there's me again, worrying about what others think!
I was fine during my sessions but to be fair I only said so much.
My thoughts are mine I'm not comfortable with sharing them all with others. Saying that, the sessions did still help me and please note CW I'll always value your advice and know in many ways you are right.
Yes, I know I've to stop beating myself up. Yes I know I should not worry about what others think. Yes I know I should not be so hard on myself. I should look more at the positives.
If I do all that will it stop me wanting to gamble? Will I offend and does it make me a horrible person for saying I don't want to be known as a compulsive gambler? I know I probably am, I also know I don't want to admit it openly. Should I? Does it mean my recovery won't happen if I don't?
Sorry if it makes me sound negative, blinkered or bratified but. . .
Loxxie . . .I think I'll need a large bottle of calamine lotion for the size of these spots haha!
On the positive side, I am improving. When I think back to how I was, I am feeling so much better in myself. As I've said previously, the dark cloud has passed and only comes back occasionally, the heavy weight on my back has got lighter.
Get my finances looking better and that should help even more.
Massive thanks again for taking time out for me. I really do appreciate it x