Well, I'd like to say that I started the year with the best intentions, but it didn't last.
December 2014 was my lowest point, the first time in 15 years of gambling that I'd actually considered topping myself.
Immediately following that I started 2015 with a new mind-set - avoid the triggers, sink myself into work and started properly exersicing.
Course it didn't last, the FOBT's soon beckoned, I banned myself in my hometown and neighbouring towns, so when I got the urge I just hopped on a train a bit further afield. Maybe once a month on average.
No huge losses, just frustrating little nibbles at my bank balance - nothing that seriously hurt me financially as per the old days, but it is very annoying when a little bit of spare money becomes "gambling money" and instantly written off. Money that should have paid for a family holiday really.
Anyway swings and roundabouts in 2015. Mostly gamble free but with significant slips. I stopped coming on here (there was a chap used to drive me to absolute despair, I won't say his name in case he's still here... ribbit).
2016, still barred from bookies and casinos but again I had slips, especially if out in Manchester having a drink - there are so many bookies there it was just too easy to play even when excluded. I had a couple of weeks of quite obsessive fruit machine play which is something I thought I'd left behind - there was just one machine which captivated me, which sounds absolutely ridiculous said out loud but the graphics and sounds drew me in and I pumped a small fortune in over about three weeks, finding excuses to take long lunches, again like "the old days".
Sports betting, I had a couple of small (seriously, single figure small!) flutters on matches if we were watching them in the pub, but then a really big match came up and I ended up wagering £120 across a variety of bets which was just insane, I'm not even *that* into football! That was the end, it scared me off even looking at the odds and I enjoy the games much more now with nothing staked on them.
Overall I did well abstaining considering the levels I used to gamble, but I don't think I quite went a full 30 days in 2016 without having a bet.
Next Sunday is "the jolly boys Christmas pi55 up" which is where my life changed two years ago, emptying my bank accounts and gambling the whole lot. Last year was a really good day out with no gambling by any of us (all four of us enjoy a bet, two of us have a problem with it, the other two just enjoy it as a bit of fun - I envy that), but this year I can already feel myself daydreaming about having a punt. To the extent I've started looking at what cash I can shift about and bills I can put off to give myself a nice wedge to go out on the town with.
Realistically, £100 would comfortably do a full day out in the trendy cocktail bars, travel both ways and a really nice slap up feed. I am trying to convince myself to take JUST that amount and leave my bank cards at home.
In honestly I'm picturing myself with a "just in case" fund on top of drink money.
As you can tell I am trying to fight the urges. I logged back on here to put it down in black and white and to see how stupid it sounds.
I will update this week and report how I'm doing, I'm already a bit depressed at the thought of gambling, and especially excessively with money I shouldn't be wasting (things are still very tight this Christmas). My wife always asks me if I have gambled on a night out and I usually tell her (truthfully) that I haven't***, but she knows too well that the financial pressure of Christmas is always a trigger for me, I spend money I can't afford to trying to win enough to treat everyone to lavish gifts and it ends up in disaster.
***few months ago I came home from a night out quite drunk and fell asleep at the laptop. No gambling, I have K9 installed, but she snatched my phone etc to see if I'd been drunk texting girls. I snatched it back and we had a real battle over it - I had been playing on a poker site that week on my phone, one I used to play regularly and they'd sent me some bonus or other by e.mail so I downloaded it for a little play. I have serious restrictions on the site (max limit $25 deposit per month) and it was my only "online" lapse in over two years, but it was still gambling and I didn't want her seeing it. The result is, she is now convinced I'm cheating on her, which I'm not!
Hi kev
Welcome back...
You were the 1st to post on my diary back in January..
You know what you got to do....I can't tell you anything you don't know....anyway...good luck..
Hi Kev, thank you for sharing your story, it's made me realise you always have to keep your guard up. I hope you sort it out with your wife. Best wishes
Little slip today... it's been in my system all week and today I nipped into the bookies after work. 20 minutes later I caught my train home feeling pretty shi77y.
Hopefully that's out of my system now. I didn't win obviously, but I only lost the few quid I had on me. No enjoyment whatsoever, I felt sick with myself before I even walked in the door.
Silly silly boy. It's this time EVERY YEAR that it gets me.
On a little bit of a downward spiral. Stupid, it is this time EVERY YEAR.
Lost a little bit last week, lost a lot more this week chasing it.
Self excluding again tomorrow lunchtime (I'm already signed up but i haven't been challenged).
Feeling lousy. It's not the money ive spent - I can pretty much write that off - its the vision of what I WILL spend in the future. Never out of the red.
Hi Kev
You are on a hamster wheel of doom and you needed to get off - NOW.
Why not give Gamcare a ring; talking it through, maybe counselling or meetings will help.
You need to do something NOW. You seem like a rational man to me - it's time to take those first determined strides away from what will be - and you know this - disaster.
All the best, Mixer
On it again today. Idiotic.
I own and operate two businesses yet I live in a 2-up-2-down terrace which is just absurd.
I can't hand over my cards, i need money to hand to buy goods (I deal in watches and jewellery) and ditto for bank cards so this is going to be a pain in the arrrssseee.
Ok. I won't gamble from now until New year. Simple.
After that, one day at a time.
I have a fortune worth of stock at my fingertips and it scares me so death the damage I could do...
I am sick of donating my profits to bookies.
Hi Kev, it's one day at a time from today. You've summed up how ridiculous this is. No more, from NOW. TODAY.
C'mon mate!
Enough's enough.
Kev, does your wife know the true picture? How come you can gamble unfettered if she does?There's a real difference between positive support and enabling.
There's help out there for both of you but it's down to both of you to take it.
CW
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