When your partner doesn’t understand...

I’ve decided I’m going to start a diary. Initially, I had a little rant. I feel I need to tell my story... it’s shocking. 

I have done soooooo many things I’m not proud of. So many shocking things. 

I’ll start today with a little ‘introduction’ and I’ll build you up (if you’re reading anyway) over time. 

My personality has always been a little addictive. Smoking, drinking, games (free ones to start) I got to level 2500 on candy crush... ha! 

I met my bf and father of my two youngest kids in 2007. I loved him instantly. He lived in a different village and we moved there after a couple of years with my daughter (now 15 - about 5 when we moved) I knew no one here. I started making friends with the parents in her class and a few of us started socialising together. 

They LOVED the bingo - I had never been! Over time people stopped going and often it just me and one other girl who I had become really close with. She was obsessed with the slots and she used to win - win big! I used stand and watch her - go get her change ect. 

Then I started to join in although I was never as lucky. I would watch her walking out £500 £600 sometimes £1000 up! 

Then she started playing online and would send me screen shots of her big wins. 

I wasn’t hooked at this point. I never realised she was probably putting hundreds in. 

Then, one day, I was on my phone and I got an email from a betting site offering me free £10 with no deposit! So I signed up played the £10 and won £400 and withdrew £350 and played the £50 and won another £400! I was in shock and I couldn’t believe my luck. Maybe I was lucky after all! I’d just banked £700 for nothing. 40 mins play. NOW I was hooked! 

At this point in my life my job was rubbish. The pay was shocking! In 2011 I fell pregnant with my son. I quit my job as it was too dangerous to continue. 

I had so much time on my hands, what else could I do. Twiddle my thumbs, read a book, surf Facebook endlessly??? I didn’t, I gambled. I wasn’t a risk taker when I started and £20 could last me hours and I made small withdrawals. Always on the same site. 

My first downfall was one day I had no money. And I thought, hmmm, I know what I can do... I’ll set up an account in my bfs name and claim another free £10. I won again. Only £250 this time but enough for me to have to put his card details into the account. 

Now I have two accounts! 

Hi Catbradley,

Welcome to GC. Good that you started a diary here. It helps to note your progress and share your struggles..as well as celebrate your success breaking free from this addiction!

Now..addiction..nasty one huh. It takes away so much and the worst thing is - we keep on giving away!

I read the escalation on it. Yep...it is progressive. I used to be very careful to start with (20p spins)..gradually they gone up...to eye watering amounts.

We lose logic when gamble..expecting that next feature which will bring that jackpot huh...or at least enough to keep us going for an hour or two. 

No win is ever big enough for us...we cannot win because we cannot stop! Simple huh..I guess putting that in gamblers brain is quite a challenge..

There is a way out. With commitment, dedication, determination, honesty and support you can turn things around. Start with yourself. You sound like you accepted you have a problem. Massive step forward. Then start looking into blocks. Join Gamstop, put blocks on devices as GamBan (GamCare offers free code if you get in touch with them and mention this). There are GA meetings also. GamCare also offers 1 to 1 counselling. I personally found it very beneficial. It's good in helping to understand underlying issues which may trigger your behaviour now.

Stay close by. Read around the site. Many wise posters on here. Most importantly remember you're not alone! Accept support and keep winning this good fight!

One day at a time...you can do it!

S&B xx

Hi Catbradley.

What recovery will bring you is a reality check and a mind that heals. You will start to see things more clearly and then it becomes crystal clear.

Crystal clear what gambling is and how they hooked you on a path to total destruction.

Reality check number 1 is of course your partner wont understand just like any non gambling friend or family member. The truth about gambling is your empty bank balance and the money you have thrown away. I cant deny that sometimes money comes out but its not an income scheme and the odds are well against you. 

I think deep down you know the reality that your friend has been puting hundreds in to very occasionally break even. I was a victim to slots for forty years and Im telling you they are a devious, evil creation. Ive seen the addicts on them and I was one. Its despicable how they work and you need to see the real odds. They will not pay when you feel like a flutter and they are programmed to give a false sense of activity. The odds are something like 1:10 just to get a small prize. I doubt you would bet on those odds if I put a ball under one of 10 cups.

The odds of jackpot wins are one in thousands upwards and you are simply hitting a random number generator to map thee - five++ positions. To put it simply what comes out, they want to come out...its other punters money and the owners of the machine win every session because they take a fixed percentage no matter what.....all the risk is really with you...It isnt with them!...They have finely calculated NO risk to them!!

Addicts create other addicts so you friend has done you no favours...I doubt they have told you the truth about their bank balance. £1000 up??..they are most probably, I would say certainly thousands down overall.

Its a complex crazy addiction....a drug addiction that controls and alters minds. When you hear gamblers banter with a healthy mind you feel very sad for how ill they are.

Its not easy money...it never was and you know that. Its easy money for them and you have just paid for their hols and yacht insurance

The answers are within you...the stresses of life and your escapist dreams hook people fast.

Your goal is a serenity to face life and realise what is really important to makes you happy. Those can be really small moments which have infinite value

You need help and you will get that help. Gambling will destroy you! you dont need it in your life.

Best wishes from eveyone on the forum

Thank you for replying. I’m not having a good today. 

My anxiety is through the roof today. I’ve done nothing but cry. 

Altnough my partner has tried to be more supportive - what I’ve put him through is just too much. He told me still loves me but the relationship is toxic and he is moving out. 

Feeling like c**P, I feel like I need to speak to someone about it. I’m realised today how much I hate talking to people about myself. When I looked on social media I realised that I never post anything about myself - only the kids! The last thing I posted was when I completed my degree three years ago. 

So I plucked up the courage and messaged a good friend from Uni and told her I need to talk. She was shocked and happy. She said I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to talking and I frustrate her because I’m so secretive. So I’m going over tomorrow night and I’m going to tell her everything. 

I’ll probaly cry like a baby but I need it. 

My eyes are hurting today from crying, my three year old has been stroking my hair - role revsersal. 

I might post more of my story later. I’ll see how my eyes feel. 

On a positive - I had extra time on my hands so I tried to distract myself and repainted the bathroom...

Well, another day to face. I’m going to see my friend today and get things off my chest. I’m not looking forward to it. I find it really hard to talk about my problems. 

I’ve always had this issue where I need to tell someone something bad I will lie. Maybe tell them something else, twist things so there not as bad as they seem.

I don’t know why I do it. I often thought it was so I didn’t upset people.

so today, maybe I’ll try and leave the house with the kids (they’re climbing the walls) maybe just a short walk somewhere - I could do with getting out. My anxiety has been so bad for two days. I’ve not been eating. I have a really bad headache. 

I probably won’t leave the house today, but the thought is there. I sat here thinking about leaving the house and I can feel my stomach knotting and the feeling that I’m going to be sick.

I want to go to the caravan, I’m happy there. The kids can play outside and place is smaller. The house seems to big and overwhelming right now.

Maybe I’m depressed. 

I will continue with the story of how I got here: 

so now, I’m setting up accounts left right and centre, in both mine and my bfs name. I had his card and he never checked statements (for some reason they never came anyway) I did it for all the welcome offers - or so I told myself.

Infact, when I did my Gamstop, I got so many emails from accounts I didn’t even know I had. 

I still wasn’t gambling massive amounts at this time. 20-40p spins mainly. Putting £20 in and lasting a while and getting the occasional withdrawal. Although I wasn’t spending thousands, it was taking up all my free time and free money. When my son was born, I was gambling in the hospital when he was asleep. When we came home I would gambling whilst I breastfed him. I started get screwed up with money around this time. The odd missed rent payment here and there, bouncing direct debits so I had more money to put on the slots. 

Telling myself, I don’t have a problem, it’s just like a hobby... someone pointed out in group chat yesterday that they stopped their hobby when in the midst of their addiction. They’re right, I did too. Nothing else seemed to matter. 

So, I’ve not got a gambling problem - but  I don’t want anyone else to know about it. Not even my friends who got me started with it. 

The only problem is now, I’m starting to get into debt. I need more money but I don’t know how to get it. I wake up everyday with urges to gamble. 

Okay, so this is where things get tricky - this is where I started getting loans and things so I’ll continue with this tomorrow. 

Hi Cat,

Just wanted to wish you strength for today. It's hard looking after the kids when you're struggling with all this. Is there a park nearby you could walk to? I reckon it will do you good to get out for some fresh air.

I think you're very brave for meeting up with a friend and telling her everything. I struggle with telling people bad things too, don't know why that is but I find it so hard. Hoping it will get easier with time.

If you're still feeling really low tomorrow, do you think it might be worth booking an appointment with your GP? This addiction is hard enough to beat without also dealing with depression.

Look after yourself xx

I did it. I’ve been out. We went to the beach for a walk. We picked some blackberries and came home and made a crumble for after tea.

i have made chilli and put it in the slow cooker for everyone’s tea as I’m going to friends - which I’m dreading. 

Well done! Sounds like a lovely day

Hope you're having a good chat with your friend

Last night was so hard. So proud of myself for doing it and my friend was amazing. 

She said “you know what, nothing you have done is unfixable, let’s sit down and come up with an action plan. We can add somethings you’ve already done and then it will make you feel positive to tick them off” 

I left feeling so positive. 

She also updated my phone (something I’ve been putting off) so people can check my screen time and I can see how much time I’m wasting staring at it. 

We also decided I need to find positive replacements for being on my phone. My phone is my problem. I only gamble on my phone these days. 

Once I am back at work it won’t be as bad, still three weeks of summer holidays. I’m going to try and spend as much time as I can with the kids and learn to put my phone down. 

Saying that, it’s 9 o’clock and I’m had 1hr and 10 mins screen time today. 

No gambling still. 

Going to tick something off my action plan today. Also got the CBT at 1.  Maybe go to the pictures tonight. 

Need to keep busy. Need to try and eat something today. I had very very little yesterday, nothing the day before and very little the day before that. Not good but anxiety stops me eating. 

Hi Cat,

Im over 200 days gamble free after years of gambling, lies and deceit. Like you, I ended up with multiple accounts, but I was winning and losing thousands regularly. 

Others on here will have seen my advice before, but some of it isn’t far from your friends. Here are the 4 that work for me.

1. Get blocks in place. If you beat the block, get better blocks! Don’t allow yourself the chance to gamble.

2. Get a hobby. Keep busy. It sounds like you are with the kids. Plan ahead (meal plan/activities plan) as that gives you daily targets and keeps your mind busy.

3.Now this is the big one for me any favourite ever piece of advice. What’s gone is gone, but we can’t ignore what’s happened. Regularly ‘glance’ back as a reminder of the s**t times and the reality of gambling addiction, but don’t ‘stare’. A glance is enough and we need to remain positive and move forward. A glance doesn’t allow us to get complacent. A glance doesn’t let us dwell. There’s no point in staring as it brings nothing but negativity, and negativity triggers other reactions that just aren’t helpful. Don’t stare!!

4. A fresh start every day and a promise to yourself to do something new or make something better. Even if it’s as small as smiling at someone else 🙂

I hope some of this is helpful and I think you’ve recognised problems early enough. I wish you all the best on your journey and will be checking in on your successes. You’ve got this. 

Bdog

thank you so much for the advice and words of wisdom. I really appreciate any support anyone can give me!  

Today has been okay. Still GF. 

I lost it with the kids at bedtime, starting to feel stressed on a night. I’m getting itchy hands. I must find a hobby. 

The weather was rubbish today so we were stuck in the house most of the day. Managed a cinema trip to see Spider-Man.

trying to do 2 hours phone free on a night 7-9. Not sure how long I’ll last but I need to start putting it down more. 

Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully I’ll be in a better mood!