Who am i without a label

Thankfully. That was a rhetorical question. So, no answer required. My pointless moral was xbe careful of the label.

Today's question -

Where has all the grey matter gone ? 

Only my humble, but I do think that showing one's vulnerability and admitting that we are simple humans isn't a weakness but a strength after all. Its another trap of addiction of the facade that everything is hunky dory. You don't see any of that on the forum anymore. 

Things change, quite often not for the better, so that's where I am on this trip - I'm trying to alter my control settings in either letting go or ignoring things that are not in my control.

It's not easy, infact it's very hard adjusting a setting that's been part of me since my formative years. I can only but try.

Finishing with a random, but has fascinated me for the past few weeks - Dupers Delight. Read about it and seen in documentary but saw it for myself a few weeks back. Now I wouldn't of seen that, if the mind fog was their. .

So using a cliché but progress not perfection a good key 

Thankfully was just another rhetorical question and a flippant one at that. 

As it happens, I did get a nugget even though unintentionally. Albeit not being a great warrior like the Mighty Achilies, where his was his heel, mine is the addictions that accompanied me throughout life.

But unlike Achilies, I'm determined to keep striving, keep watching and more importantly keep learning. 

An age old question today ie - Recovery Vs Recovered ? Also to add to that, if one does manage to abstain from gambling one's all money away, has any thing changed ?

That ones not rhetorical !

Anyway, thoughts. 

I'm  on a break and trying to detox from work, hence these posts.

Have been experiencing someone's weakness in the form of his insecurity and his subsequent passive aggressiveness towards me. Part of me thinks, it will be futile for him and that I will always outfox him. Now, I think that needs cognitively flipping and that is the part of thought process that I'm trying to alter.  I've dug whether that I'm part of the dynamics, but now see that it's there insecurity with their job switch promotion. So, the way forward is  is not fighting fire with fire and being passove aggressive back, but to continue dealing with facts and taking the high road. I can see myself in having a chat with him, but will need this calmness I'm presently having and give him the olive branch.

Am rabbiting, none the less its cathartic down loading.

No takers for question ? OK.

Soo more random thoughts - 

' If you give me the bullets, then I'll fire them '

That and many other lines are used my by nice but not so bright boss ! But, they are not his lines or thoughts, they are someone else's who actually does fire the gun.

This got me thinking of the ' recovery ' language, because atleast to me it is a language. You need to decipher and understand the sentiment behind the words - ' One day at a time ' what does it mean - is it different to ' Just for today I won't gamble ' ?

Despite never being an advocate of the fellowship in the form of GA / AA etc, I've still been fascinated in the teachings and gone other routes In going through the steps perse. 

Anyway, very random but I'm sure their is some meaning hidden amongst them words.

Moral - soap boxes don't work, action does 

@faking-it I’ll answer the recovery language question.

As far as I’m concerned there is nothing hidden within the language used in recovery, it’s just there to make difficult situations easier to understand, although if I was being pedantic it’s general GA language, not necessarily recovery. 
One day at a time means just taking this whole never gambling again task in its simplest form. To say I’ll never gamble again is too big a statement to make or to achieve for a lot of people, but most can manage to do one day. Then start again the next day. And so on.

Just for today I will not gamble is another form of one day at a time. There are other just for today statements within the GA orange book, and they are about trying to become a better person than we are when we gamble. It’s a way of living to strive for which in turn brings about a change which can help with long term abstinence.

Chris.

Hi Chris,

Thanks your insight, but truthfully i know the difference and it wasn't a question perse.

My first 2 posts contained  rhetorical questions, my 3rd post did post a question and my last post, if you was to read again didn't contain a question, it contained my thoughts.

I think what's important in re(dis)covery after being trapped in an insiduos addiction is the reopening of our closed minds after so long being trapped in a hypnotic trance for so long. A need to keep striving / learning and ultimately having an open mind on things. Repeats 

I humbly think also, which I don't see very often on this forum anymore, is to get the grey matter working again. So, despite you interpreting my last post wrong, with which is ok, my moral was don't get trapped about using some random recovery lines but learn what they actually mean. With which, I'm sure you do in your GA. 

My long winded point is similar to when I hear about the 3% club, and the what I consider the many misinterpretation of this. Yes, it's cool to abstain after a year or so, but does that mean your recovered.

So, maybe wrong but you jumped into this particular diary with 2 feet and yet didn't understand the language I was using.

But, alas thanks for your time and I'm sure with other users reading your ' answer ' will no doubt get something from it.

So, signing of with win / win Chris and all the best 

Well my last day of my break and not fully detoxed from work. Goes to show how we can easily switch addictions, but guessing this flip into work addiction is atleast more positive than being in a dingy depressing booky's. And I'm also  better at my job than I was in picking horses / football teams.

Progress not perfection they say, so atleast a step in the right direction and no longer walking backwards or like a spider.

I use this forum in a few different ways, sometimes as a cathartic writing way, to take my mind of what is actually bugging me. Sometimes to pose questions and other times to try and get the grey matter working with my fellow addicts.

Now, why I felt a need to write that paragraph and validate myself is also a sign of an addict with an unhealthy mind !! Hai ho.

Despite having no joy to date so far with my questions being answered, my latest question is - Is passive aggressive a by product of an addict ?

Now to my random albeit abstract thoughts. I did read that the ' War on drugs ' was the biggest con of the 20th century as history has proved you don't go to war on a money machine but you nurture instead. This has made me think now about the gambling industry ' When the fun stops STOP ' in its bright yellow precautionary signs. Does this follow on and now equate to one of many cons of now the 21st century ? Just by the yellow itself infers it does go hand in hand with the other con. And also, why would this money machine want us to stop ?

So if you think of Freuds iceberg theory, yet another trap has been sprung upon us.

Very random thoughts but rolled off and has helped me atleast to stop thinking about work - Hence a healthy escape from intrusive work thoughts.

Moral - Traps are all around us. Eyes Wide Open

More thoughts -

Selfish in addiction - Selfish in recovery !!

That's very hard, I struggle to process that. But none the less it is to me an important key to set myself free !!

f,,,k, still a long windey road a head but Never back 

Posted by: @chris-uk

@faking-it I’ll answer the recovery language question.

As far as I’m concerned there is nothing hidden within the language used in recovery, it’s just there to make difficult situations easier to understand, although if I was being pedantic it’s general GA language, not necessarily recovery. 
One day at a time means just taking this whole never gambling again task in its simplest form. To say I’ll never gamble again is too big a statement to make or to achieve for a lot of people, but most can manage to do one day. Then start again the next day. And so on.

Just for today I will not gamble is another form of one day at a time. There are other just for today statements within the GA orange book, and they are about trying to become a better person than we are when we gamble. It’s a way of living to strive for which in turn brings about a change which can help with long term abstinence.

Chris.

Hi Chris again,

I was hoping you was going to dive into one of my questions rather than my thoughts, that possibly comes across as bring flippant so I apologise if so.

Something I've enjoyed since tacing and learning about this addiction is opening my mind and more importantly is it being challenged. As odd as it may seem I quite like being wrong.

So, I thought as you are the only one who's come into this diary, then I would either share my beliefs or challenge yours, mixed with some query's. I think it's important in seeing how other people tick.

They say you have to give it a way to keep it. So as you commendably share your scriptures from the orange book, I wonder why you don't share your vulnerability's etc in the form of a diary, as after all isn't sharing a big part of GA and reminding not just others but ourselves in what depths of despair we were in to bring us to our knees ? Is this not step 1 so to speak showing our vulnerability's?

Labels - This seems quite an important part of our lives, I know it was for me untill I realised I wasn't unique, just a simple man who developed a sickness and I used addiction as a band aid. So, I wonder why you put UK as part of your user name ? As what Kingdom is United ? I'm sure if you spoke to our Cymru and Scottish neighbours they would find that small abbreviation offensive. A little bit flippantly random their.

GA and religion. And no I'm not one of them who use that as an excuse for not warming to GA, as I'm very aware of what the higher power is all about and Bill W incorporating ' ones own conception of god ' into the fellowship.  But one possible reason in why I didn't warm and take to GA / AA is it'ds distinct similarity to organisation like the Freemasonics / boars/ Lions / The rotary club and the list goes on, you could even add philatelist to that list. So with the founders of these various ' Anonymous ' groups being Bill W and Dr Bob both being practicing Freemasons and the blue print being nigh on identical to GA/ AA etc, even down to the venues used and the ceremony at the end of each meeting being simular to masonic lodges - So with this logic and also the hidden meaning and well represented letter ' G ' in masonic symbolism meaning in one form or the other referring to God. So, would it be fair to say that AA / GA is after all an apendant of Freemasonry and the thousands of Anonymous groups are after all akin to the Knights Templar and rather than the holg grail being the quest but instead the quest being something completely different ? 

Abstaining / sobriety from gambling / drinking etc. So Chris, even though its very commendable in being 4+ years gamble free, but would you consider yourself recovered or just what some term as a dry drunk / addict. The question their, do you think that ones brain can be re-wired and made healthy again or do you consider the time spent from last punt the key to being made healthy again. 

That's about it for now Chris, and if you had or one diary I would of posed them questions their 

My long winded moral is keep striving / learning and more importantly keeping your eyes wide open to the many hidden traps about us.

All the best  - Faking it untill I make it

@faking-it 

I'm not sure if I've stepped on your toes or not, but as you've asked some direct questions I'm happy to answer them.

Why don't I have a diary? Because I have GA for that. My story would be a book, over 35 years in GA, over 40 years of gambling and I'm 53. I can share my thought and my feelings every week if I need to get something off my chest. When GA was closed over lockdown I struggled and I came on here and posted about my feelings. Having the opportunity to just vent helped me an awful lot so I have used the forum on occasion when I've felt I've needed to. I always try to give advice or help based on my own experiences so I do share those terrible stories as well as the good that I've experienced. Step 1 is admitting that you are powerless over gambling, that life had became unmanageable. I do this every day. I accept that I cannot place a first bet. My life was a disaster, it's not now.

Labels-I think that Chris was taken so I had to add something to it. I'm in the UK so why not put that on there. I wanted to be upfront about who I was, not be behind a label that shouldn't last that long if you are on the way to getting better. Every week in a GA meeting I say my name is Chris and I'm a compulsive gambler. I'm simply acknowledging it on here. 

GA and religion. When I was young in GA I struggled with the concept of God being used within the group but in hindsight that was just my naivety. My understanding, and as is said many times in the books and in meetings, is God as you understand it. Some people do have a belief and faith in God. For me I use the phrase Higher Power. I couldn't stop on my own, with the group and meetings I can, that's my higher power. I've been to meetings, regional meeting and national meetings. Never once in 35 years has anyone tried to indoctrinate me.

Abstaining / sobriety from gambling. I accept that I am a compulsive gambler and I always will be one. For a long time I just abstained and thought that was enough. It was until it wasn't. For a lot of people they do fantastically well by abstaining over a long period of time but eventually for me that wasn't enough and my relapses were because I couldn't cope with living life on life's terms. I had to work a recovery program with another member, and I became aware of what I was, what my defects were, what strengths I had, and i try every day to be a better person to everyone around me. I give it away every day and I'm a lot healther mentally now that I have ever been. I also have a thought process now that I didn't have before, and I don't act in the same way. I'm in recovery. I'm not recovered and I accept I never will be, but I am able to deal with life now without resorting to my addiction. 

Although I am just over 5 years clean, I am only one bet away from disaster, and I work hard every day to not place that bet. One day at a time. 

I hope that answers a few questions for you.

Chris.

Au contraire mon frère, you never stepped on my toes at all, and your reply made me smile as, correct me if I'm wrong but I managed to stir up your grey matter with the positive emotion of anger. 

Anyway, thanks for your responce and yes in parts you've clarified a few queries and with some of my points I stand corrected. And good on you for navigating lock down, using other aids. Very commendable.

This go too between us, atleast I think can be beneficial in showing both sides of the coin in re(dis)covery ie your an advocate of GA but I'm an advocate in looking at different more psyche like avenues. As both paths can work its highlighting to others that their is more than one path to healing our selves. Infact, may I say, that it was through a GA member who finally convinced me that addiction is an illness and that set me on the road to healing.

Albeit in all honesty quite irrelevant, you never commented on my logic regarding the similarity between the recovery rooms and the masonic lodges. This is an irrelevant point, but I was highlighting that it's just not the thought of religion that GA can make new comers uncomfortable with being regulars but the format of meetings and the possibly need in a revamp for AA / GA in getting in more intune with the ages - A task I set you ☺ 

It's been a pleasure talking Chris it really had and I do have another point I will share later but for now it's off to work I go 

Hello again Chris,

I'm hoping I've retained your interest and will share another view, albeit in a fashion you've gone through it in your previous post.

But first I'm going to pose a question - 

' Selfish in addiction, Selfish in recovery ' how the hell does one process that ? We all have choices, I know and as mere humans we ate allowed to change our minds, but how do you process knowing that you've hurt someone, especially with this addiction illness, with which I also consider as a loss of core value based illness ?

Your views on that would be appreciated despite it being more long winded than intended.

Anyway back to sharing another view as mentioned in first paragraph  -

Rewiring ones mind ! You answered this quite well in your last post and I agreed whole heartedly, so despite being a daunting task when first entering re(dis)covery it is achievable with persistence and belief in that ones taking the path which suits the individual.

So, here's my take of it from my experience. I mentioned in an earlier post that i wear a RH prosthetic, have been for nigh on 30years, I'm a couple of years older than you by the way ( so respect your orders --- jooking ). I wear it very well, albeit a little out of the box thinking, but something that has fascinated me is the phenomenon of the phantom limb. Pre- covid and once since I've been part of a PHD world wide collective study, myself and hundreds of others. Parts of this study is looking how the brain ( sponge) changes when going through any traumatic experience ( ie altering wiring of brain ), it's also a study in the continued of progress of prosthetic limbs.

My long winded point here is that by an accident or loss ie bereavement can alter the wiring of the brain, them 2 incidents are part and parcel of life and wasn't caused my any chemicals. So, albeit walking on a thin line here, to rewire the brain back on track, then the need of any chemicals dished out by pharmaceutical company's via Dr's is yet another trap. Hence, the moral here is by your perseverance via GA and my fascination in the psyche of amputees proves that the rewire is very achievable.

Note - you could also add the fall into addiction as a traumatic experience 

I'm not sure whether I've articulated myself very well their. But is meant with the very best intentions.

Paul .

Get the grey matter working with yours eyes wide open

Posted by: @faking-it

Selfish in addiction, Selfish in recovery '

I think the key is to not overthink it. In active addiction I was completely selfish. Putting my family, friends and colleagues through all sorts of difficulties, both financially and mentally. My overriding want or need to gamble outweighed almost every other decision I be took.

In recovery being selfish just means putting your recovery first. If I have a meeting but there’s a big match on I have to go to the meeting. If I put my recovery first, everyone else benefits. If I start to think that I don’t need a meeting or I won’t do specific work on myself I start down a slippery slope, one that ends in disaster, for me anyway. 
How do I process knowing I’ve hurt someone? I try and make amends. Part of recovery is knowing exactly what I did and how my behaviour affected another person. Not just financially but emotionally too. Once I know that I can apologise and ensure I don’t relapse otherwise it counts for nothing. I don’t need the person to acknowledge or even accept my apology but it’s nice if they do. I cannot hold my past over my life indefinitely. What I do moving forward takes me further away from the past, and there it stays. Although the same word, you could almost replace selfish in recovery with selfless in recovery. 

I’m not so sure about necessarily rewiring the brain, but I’ve added in different thought processes for my behaviour and the actions I previously took. Working the 12 steps helped me understand myself, something which I was oblivious too beforehand. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Now I do.

Hope that explains a bit. 
Chris.

Chris ....

Thanks for the post above.

It's said or atleast something similar that if you can help at a least one person, well then that's a good start. And you my friend has helped me with that post above...

 It's not the first and probably won't be the last in someone implying to me that I over think things to much. My dive back into these forums was because I was after a nugget and I pushed and I got it.

Thinking or even overthinking again, albeit being on the right road but possibly I've let my ego get ahead of me again and now need to jump out of the rambles I've found myself in and get back on the right road.

A couple of years ago I found a psyche with whom I alighned with and also a group of like minded addicts that I also used as peer support with which I did weekly visits to both. Since leaving that area, I've not been able to find since, just some charlatans who in truth just want to take my money and probably need help more than me. So, I need to start looking again and kiss a few frogs and find similar to what I had before.. 

Hai ho progress not perfection and possibly you've inadvertently kicked me back onto the right path again.

Thanks, Paul, ...

Still as it seems very much Faking it untill I make it

Selfish in addiction, Selfless in recovery.

You inadvertently translated that sentence to me. Learning the language of recovery ☺ 

I like that 

Hi ho