I don't know where to start here ! It's difficult to open up to people especially when I'm the type to keep my own counsel . I'm 33 yrs old and in the middle of a kind of divorce . I threw my Husband out 2 weeks ago after 10 yrs of Jeslous and nasty controlling behavior My problem started about 3 to 4 yrs ago . I've always liked to fruities and over spent but nothing like what I have progressed to . One evening I decided to give th Bingo a go with my sis inlaw , it was good and I liked the fact everyone was nice and it was a good night out for me . I didn't go on the machieans as I thought that I was here to play just Bingo and not waist my money .It stayed like that for a good while , I never over spent and went home with what ever I'd won ( I was up) One day I then decided to go on my own . I did the same as others have said 'been bored in the intreval ' and started watching people play . It seemed easy money as the people whom where playing won lots . I decided to go the cheap way and start on the 10p one and won about 50 quid and was made up .
I left it at that and when home chuffed . The next time after that I did the same thing , a few more times after that . I was never down on my luck evry time I went I would either win or break even ' bingo was the new night out and the best night out for me ' as it seemed .There I could chill out speak to people and made friends . Nothing fazed me and all my worried would vanish , I would really enjoy . That's when once a wekk turn into five .
Over time I became engrossed with the slots only ever leaving the machiean to play my bingo , as soon as the main book ended I'd race to my machiean because I'd filled it and didn't want anyone winning my money . The more I put in the more I lost so I would secretly preying to brake even , just win back my money and I wont do it again ! That carried on for a while . I then progressed to the 30p then 50 P the finially £ 2.00 slots .After a big lose I decided to bar myself so I did , I took a 6 month ban .
I then kept my problem at bay , but joined another Bingo club about 7 miles from where I lived . Although I never went to the new Bingo as much as the old one I still gambled alot when I did . I think I was just lieing to myself really ! Anyway my gambling wasn't that bad as It used to be but as soon as my bar was up my husband ( now x) encoraged my to go into the old Bingo again ( 3yrs i didn't go for ) . I didn't really want to but did so as I thought I was over my 'little problem ?''. That's when I all started again or should I say '' my little , big promblem arosed '' double the size . I've been worse than ever , throwing hundreds into slots . I don't gamble everyday as I cant afford to and wont let my kids go without or leave bills unpayed , but .when I get my money latley I've been feeding the monster slots without even thinking . I went to the Bookies 'only for the loo', and thought that I will just spend a tennor , only 4 hours later and £300 pound gone I was left feeling sick and ashamed . I was late picking the kids up (my sis picked them up) and I lied to cover my tracks . Everyone was worried about me because I'd had an operation a few days before and really shouldn't of been out . I made up big lies as to where i'd been and feel totally ashamed of myself 🙁 . Every time I vow not to do it again I always do ! A few times I've LIED saying 'Iv'e lost my purse , the bank has taken too much out my bank or Dad cant I lend money to get this thing e.c.t ' . Iv'e spent all my money lots of times and had to walk home a long away later at night . Even tryed to sell my rings to a Taxi driver just to go back and win some more . Luckly I still have my rings . I don't even know why I do it because I just put back what I win 🙁 . Only do I sometimes leave with a few hundred , but majority of the time I put the lot in .
Money doesn't seen real to me anymore especially when I'm in the mist of pressing the button on the fruit machiean . Nothing matters but winning on the slots as long as I can carry on . Even winning the Jackpot isn't enough it's like I'm numb and all my faculties fly out the window . I hate it and it's gotten worse I cant even go past a bookies without entering and playing .
I'm not even going out today because I have money in the bank and I'm not going to get it so as i can throw it in that horrible machiean .
I hate these feelings of self hate ,shame , regret , just once more , I need to get back what I've lost and wont do it again , a sense of lose for the money I've spent , the churning stomach and anxious feeling that I cant control it and then feeling depressed . Well I'm not going to put any money into any gambling today and I know that because I'm not getting my money out ! That's why I have come on here to get everthing off my chest . I'm normally a person that keeps themselves to themselves , that's why no one knows about my problem . They all think I'm goody two shoes but I'm not really when you consider my gambling problem and that fact that It's made my lie . That's why I need help and support because it's made my into someone I don't really know anymore . Sorry for the prolonged script but I can only get it out n here xxx
HI Nomorebets. I just read your post. You have made a massive step coming here getting things out in the open!!! Well done for that! I can personally identify with everything you have said. The self hate. the shame, the guilt, the lies, the sense of hopelessness we get when we allow our addiction to take over our life. But you are reaching out and this could be the turning point for you if you make it so. Over the years I have lost millions. Lost my home. My children. My marrige.My business. It has all gone. And like you it was the slots in the end that got the share of what I had. But recovery is possible I am sure. Reach out get support and keep posting. It was hard and upsetting to read your story but says much about where this addiction can lead us. Even when you do win you actually loose! Why ? Because you know it will only go back in (with interest) and it keeps that false hope alive that we can hit the big one. The big one never comes. Its a lie. I wish you well and am rooting for you.
All the best and well done on your post.
Deeno
Thank you for your reply . I'm sorry to here about your loses . I hope you are successfull in everyway and that good furtune ( not from gambling ) comes your way . I still haven't gone out to get my money . I wont till tomorrow becuase the kids are off school so I cant glamble . I'm starting to realise the signs now I'm educating myself with the fact of gambling . I've totally had enough of it . There is so much more I could of done with my money . I'm going to try and start a fresh , what's done is done .I cant change what I have done but I'm going to try , well put right the damage what's been done . And not give in to my urges to gamble . I realise it will only make thing worse . It's gambling wich makes my sad and upset . It's not a very nice addiction . I dont gain anything but misery , I'm starting to resent all the time and money waisted on gambling . I hate it and will fight it
Hi although understandable you are feeling angry at your losses there is nothing you can do about them. The money is gone. Gone forever and wont come back. One of the worst things we do as addicts is try to chase "just to get back that last loss" it spirals and just compounds the problem. Time now to put the brakes on and stop the destruction. Dont hate yourself. Forgive yourself and look to the future. Think about what you will do when you dont gamble. You can not change the past but you can shape your future. The self hate and resement will pass and it serves no purpose in beating ourselfs up. Take a deep breath and start to move forward. Great to read you intend to "fight it" attitude can be everything.
The below I found on another forum similar to this I use. It makes sense and has helped me. Maybe it will make sense to you and others ?
=======
(1) I Walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
(2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend i don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
(3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in - it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where i am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
(4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
(5) I walk down another street.
By Nyoshul Khenpo.
I love it and it makes so much sense I'm inbetween 2 and 3 . One day at a time 🙂
That is progress. You are aware of the "holes" and what happens if you allow yourself to fall down into them. Nothing but misery and a feeling of hoplessness. Being able to stop ourselves and think about our actions is needed. Take me yesterday for instance. I did not think, I just "did" and the result was same as it has been for years. I gamble. I loose. I feel wretched. If I had just stopped even for a few minutes to think about what I was about to do the story could have been different. But it is not and we have to live with the consequences of our actions but also learn from them so we can move forward and the leave the past behind us. Just think how different your life can and will be when you reach stage 4 on that road ?
I know , we don't think ! It's like been cocmpelled . Not anymore , time to wake up xx
Very good to say "time to wake up" and it is indeed. When we gamble everything becomes clouded and it is impossible to think clearly or straight. The mind and our thoughts begin to clear when we remove gambling from our life. I personally will always be an addict - a compulsive gambler but one that can never have a bet ... ever!
nomorebets wrote:
I know , we don't think ! It's like been cocmpelled . Not anymore , time to wake up xx
I will always be an addict but at least we admit it and seek help . I've seen people feeding hundreds into the slots for yrs and they say they love it and wont stop . And we thought we had problems ?. I think were the lucky ones in a way because we arn't in denial . We can seek help and work together to overcome this in time , however , they are completely deluding themselves and have been for yrs . I feel a bit sorry for the to tell the truth . They hit the machieans and curse them . I was one foot on that road and decided enough was enough . I hope one day they too will start to have an insight into the horror of the adiction . Time to make way for a brighter future 🙂
The more distance you put between yourself and your addiction the clearer things will become for you. When gambling like those other people you mention do (they sound like me btw) all sense of time and reality goes. I would say though focus fully on yourself at the moment and your own recovery. They will be time enough later for others I think. Main thing is to keep giving yourself all the right reasons NOT to gamble!
Just a thought ? . I was on fb and without thinking clicked on a game I've played for about 4 yrs . It doesn't cost anything and you don't earn anything either . After an hour of playing a thought popped into my mind ' this is just the same as gambling ' . Hummm , I thought this isn't wise ? . I may not be spending money or going to a real club but it's just another form . Well sod that for a laugh . BINGO BLITZ is now deleted . Then I happily scrolled down my wall and to my suprise and horror , the whole right hand side of fb is filled with bet this and bet that , free slots and casino apps . w*f excuse my french , but it's insane . It's everywhere . I dont think i will go on fb for a while unless i can block these apps . They are demon tools created by bookmakers e.c.t to reel people in on the sly . Is there anything that they don't use to decieve u into a life of gambling ?
I'm mortified , or is it I'm now seeing it from a different angle ?
Hi Wendy,
Welcome to this very supportive forum.
I wish you the very best on your new journey of recovery.
Best wishes
Suzanne x
Hi first playing "free" games can be a danger. So many times when quitting in the past I have done this and it has lead to real money gambing. Nothing is every really free. As for the adverts keep clicking "dont show me this" on facebook and eventually they will disapear. The FB system like google tracks your viewing trends and serves up adverts based on your history. But yes I think you will certainly start to see things differently as the fog clears with each day you stay away from gambling.
My own mind goes blank when Im gambling and it is almost impossible to make rational choices. But when we stop - we think and yes see many things in different light. Get clicking the X box to remove those adds on facebook. Day 2 now !!! same same as me. Well done!
Hi Deeno , how's your day been? . I hope all is well ? . And ''thankyou I wished '' for your reply xxxx.
Iv'e not gambled at all , Iv'e been out and done everything I set out to do plus more 🙂 . I not going to surrender anymore ! .
My only tempation , believe it or not is my facebook free game .
I've been clicking all the betting adverts on my page but they keep appearing .
Iv'e come to the conclude that the betting companies collude together inorder to attack our subconscious through these social networking sites . It's complete PROPAGANDA at it's worst . Facebook being a classic example . It has been suggested that they make money out of advertising for the above companies that's why they keep harassing people with gambling adverts .
What I found today as well , it freaked me out . It's a short passage from the Bible .
I'm not a Bible basher or preacher , I do attend church as much as I can and do read it the bible when I'm lost , have lack of faith or direction .
1 Timothy
People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction
Scary but true in a way because I know my first reason to gamble was to win more money .
I am doing better thanks Wendy than a few days ago. Had no major urges to gamble this weekend and managed to work pretty well. Acid test comes in this coming week. As money will be in my bank again. But it is all spent on rents bills and such like. If I gamble I would without doubt be totally screwed. Hear you on the Timothy quote. And if your own faith gives you strenght to overcome then that is a good thing. Take all the help support and advise you can. I know that is what I am trying to do. So here is to a Sunday without giving in to our addiction.
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