Worry and Regret

Just back from a lovely 5 mile run in the glorious sunshine with clear blue sky. Nice start to the day.

Downside, people are cutting their grass. If there is one thing that I do not like doing it is mowing grass. Dont know why I just hate it. As bored as I am I cant be bothered cutting grass today. I cant think of a single excuse for not cutting it but Ive not given up thinking of one.

RR

Morning RR.. Droning noise of lawnmowers ?

Stay safe. 

Enjoy your day

Boo ???

Write a book.... "1000 reasons NOT to mow the lawn" 

It will be an international best seller am sure!! 

Good stuff on the running. Am off for one now

Told my wife that there is a nationwide diesel shortage and that forecourt pumps are highly contagious so my diesel lawnmower is inoperable at the moment. Who knows how long this could last.

Anyway, my daily running will continue today and the kids will be back to the structure of having some schoolwork to do. It keeps them busy and breaks up the day with school/play activities.

We played the worst ever board game yesterday. Truly horrendous. Cant believe it made public sale or that anyone actually bought it. We picked it up at a school jumble sale. Absolutely garbage. I’m missing connect 4. Kids wrecked it a while back.

Just had a message from my phone saying my screen time was up 35% in the past week. YouTube has been busy on my phone in the past days. Ive watched some amount of rubbish.

RR

Ive just read an excellent post from Lost and Found and it has really got me thinking 

I was in a terrible way with roulette. It really had a hold on me. At the start I would win and lose and for many, many years my debts were limited to an overdraft in my name only - a secret account my wife knew nothing about. For years I would play and after sustaining consecutive bad losses I’d be forced to stop for a while.

My naivety was my saving grace. I’d never gambled online back then. I didn't know you could make a card transaction in the bookies so I’d play until I couldn't withdraw any more at the cash line and Id already limited this amount. I didn’t know back then that you could take money out on a credit card or use said card in a bookies. As I say, I was naive and this saved me from serious life changing financial trouble.

The mental stress I put myself under for such a long time was unbelievable. More unbelievable is the fact that I went through my life acting like this and nobody knew. I would gamble away from my home town, not always but enough not to be seen frequently.

The constant worry and concern about money and getting caught. I couldn't sleep properly. It must have affected my health.

When I think back to this I question was I weak or incredibly strong. Are we all capable of carrying tremendous stress.

I came to the conclusion yesterday that Ive replaced gambling with sugar. Perhaps. Ive probably always eaten too much sugar and Ive always had a big appetite. Anyway, my conclusion is that if you can stop gambling you can achieve anything else whether it be quitting smoking, losing weight etc. Gambling abstinence takes dedication and lots of work. Addiction recovery takes so much more. Either one requires you to change your life and your daily habits. My concern is that I’ll be hopping from one bad habit to the next my whole life. 

RR

Amazing post mate. Really happy I popped on tonight to read that.

I had the same thought process you did re. my smoking, meat eating and internet addiction. So - one by one I went about curving each. Like you I figured if I could put a lid on the gambling then I could franchise out the process to other areas of my life I wanted to change.

Smoking came after a failed few attempts. Meat was tough at first but felt the benefits almost immediately... Internet has been the tough one and have had to ramp up the recovery tools through joining an online community for peer-to-peer support in this area.

Anyway - just to compound what you are thinking - yes it's possible to change whatever you want once you have the key to unlock the door. And by unlocking the heaviest door first - all other doors that stand before can be conquered with less or slightly less amounts of labour. 

Go for it - knock sugar into touch my friend! ??

Great post.

Ps - incredibly strong or incredibly weak? 

I decided I was weak by design - destined to crumble at some point - but defied odds by hanging in there way longer than I should have. So the strength was always there, I just didn't choose to use it... 

Plodding the easy path over the hard path (the easy path being a slave to addiction)

It was hard to accept that gambling had me licked. It was even harder to face the gargantuan mountain that I needed to climb once I had a few months recovery behind me and knew where I needed to get to be able to live roughly according to my true wishes and desires rather than those of my addictive nature.

It amazes me nowadays when I log onto my internet banking. My bank must think I died six months ago. I used to have transactions for hundreds of pounds in and out of my bank every day. Id take a few hundred out before lunch and pay a few hundred back in 45 minutes later. The list of transactions due to daily gambling over the period of a month would be unbelievable.

I used to walk about with hundreds in my wallet. I could have money hidden under the foot mat in my car. Id hide it in socks and old jackets. All for nothing because I never spent any winnings. I would always be chasing a debt and when I achieved that I’d make new rules and play on until back in debt and on it would continue.

I cant remember when but finally something happened to me which never, ever happens to me. I admitted defeat and gave up. I was done. Totally battered and beat up I knew I couldn't go on without doing hideous damage to myself either mentally or financially.

Gambling addiction is something that others don't get. I told my parents about my problem. I was broken and the shame of telling them will live with me forever. They have never mentioned it since. It was about 5 or 6 years ago and they have never asked since if I’m still gambling or not.

Likewise, my wife never asks me about my gambling. She loved me coming home and handing her some extra cash when I was on a roll. She would complain about the time I was away or how late home I was but 50 quid in her hand quickly quietened her down. I don't judge her she never knew how bad it was and still doesn’t know.

Ive quit gambling several times for long periods. The longest being about 4 years. One thing remains consistent - I always have more money in savings than I did when gambling. As a non gambler money stays in the bank. As s gambler I could have a grand today and be a grand down by the end of next week. 

Life as a gambler in action is too stressful. Too many ups and downs. Too erratic. Life as a non gambler is steady. And I have more money. Its not a tough decision to not gamble today.

RR

Same RR. My bank would send me what can only be described as a small book through the post every month. Back then, statements were always by post and I didn't have the option to turn them off like you do now. How I wish I had that then. I remember always worrying when the statements would arrive in the post and trying to be the first one down to get the post before anyone else. I always paid through paypal balance so they didn't show up as gambling transactions as such but there was still hundreds of pounds in and out most days. (mostly out)

I also spent a lot of time away, not out the house, but upstairs 'doing work'. I would spend hours, often three or four hours in a session and then come down to make tea, barely able to see from all the spinning. Looking back, I wish he would have asked me what I was doing. He trusts me. Too much. I was given too much rope, looking back, but there's no way he could have known. I work from home, so I suppose it was easy to take advantage. Even when cash was tight, I was able to lie my way through why we were struggling from one month to the next, despite 'working' so much.

No chance of me telling my parents. No way, no how. They would never understand and the last thing I want is more judgement. Yes, the worst thing about gambling was all the ups and downs, the constant turmoil. You would go from being elated to devastated in a matter of minutes. Your brain can't keep up with that. It messes you up. Towards the end, I was neither happy when I won, nor all that bothered when I lost. I was just numb. It didn't seem to matter. It was just a way to self destruct. I knew I could never win enough to get out, so I tried losing enough to stop. That's when you know you're in bad. You want out so badly that you just hit the big red button and pray that someone will notice.

Note to Lost and Found incase you read this. I cant find your diary. I would like to read your thoughts. Do you have one?

Ive been running every day for a few weeks now. Its became part of my structure and routine. Every morning between 5 and 8 miles. I feel good but my headset stopped working this morning and I found it tough without music.

Ive cut my sugar intake in the past 3 or 4 days and already Ive lost a bit of weight. Could be water weight. I don't care. Im running, eating better and losing a bit of weight . Good stuff.

I was sad to read that a member was considering leaving the forum because they’re getting bored “ just posting about work every day”. It makes me sad for them. Recently, there was a thread on censorship ship and I put my thoughts on there. When I first came to this forum many years ago diaries were quite specifically about gambling recovery and the struggles that that presents on a daily basis. There was a real sense of community and support. I’ve read pages upon pages of diaries and still dont know about the struggles or even the form of gambling which brought them here whether it be roulette, horse racing, bingo etc. Times change and with it the forum has changed. I certainly find it hard to make connections nowadays. I find myself making the same entries over and over again. The best therapy for me is to put down words describing a gambling event from my past. To put down the shame and regret then compare it to how I feel and live today. 

The above paragraph relates to my thoughts and feelings. I respect that others have their own way and that my way isn’t the right way or the only way. I only mention the above because when I first came here as a broken, lost and scared individual I could instantly relate to other diaries. I’m not sure that would happen if I arrived here today for the first time.

I am neither overly close nor distant to my parents. They’re my parents and I love them. Equally, I can go weeks with phoning them and months without visiting. Telling them that I had a gambling problem was the most shameful experience of my life. I’ve been with my wife for over 20 years and she’s never seen me cry. I was crying in the living room of my parents house before I could even speak. They thought somebody had died. It was horrendous and it lasted for about an hour. I walked out of their house and felt better. I went to GA for six months and didnt gamble again for 4 years. I stupidly put a bet on with a pal on the first game of a new season having had a few drinks and it sent me back to gambling for about a year. I came back here and Ive not gambled for six months. Time is a healer but I can never, ever gamble again. On anything.

RR

What great reading RR. 

Oh boy are so many of us made up  of the same DNA on here.

Oh yes praise be to the savings bit. 

As for the ease of living a truth not gambling. The inner calm is like nothing I've experienced before. 

Can you get rich from gambling. Yes one big win of money could possibly do it. 

All depends on  a person's definition of rich. For me it's this happy place with a  note in me purse and enough coppers for a cup of coffee with friends.

Stay safe 

Boo ??

My poor cat died this morning. She was old and went downhill very fast in the past week. She wasn’t eating or drinking. She’s been in our family for 17 years and we loved her very much. The kids are devastated. Such a shame. We’ll all miss her terribly.

Dont feel like going for a run today but I might force myself out for a short one.

Its been confirmed today that we’ll remain to be on shutdown until the 11th of May. That seems like a very long way away.

Anyway, sometimes life can be cruel and we can be sad. This is part of life.

RR

So sorry to hear that Roulette Regret. Losing a beloved pet is heartbreaking and adding in stress at an already very difficult time.

There is a support line for anyone affected by pet bereavement run by the Blue Cross 0800 096 6606 8.30am-8.30pm https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-pet-loss As far as I can tell it's still running during the current lockdown, so do please consider giving them a call if you need to.

Really sorry for your loss and wishing you all the best

Cal

Forum Admin

Oh RR... Sad for you. 

My love to you and thsnk you for popping into my diary 

Boo???

RR

fella sorry for your loss, I will just say that take from it the fact that 17 is a ripe old age for a cat and I am sure that she had a good life, I know that will bring me great comfort when our beloved hounds cross their bridge, try and keep the memories of her life and the joy given.

 I talked about pets only yesterday and the fact that they give often far more than we give back, for me the truth sense of the word unconditionally.

 The circumstances we find ourselves in are new for all of us and I don’t believe the lockdown will end anytime soon but for all the right reasons, time spent apart will surely offer many the opportunity to reunite.

 I related wholly with the words you wrote with regards to how the forum has changed but for me fella that is the same in the rooms of GA today, there’s definitely more political correctness and through my own experience We are a sensitive precious lot, who struggle to be told how it is and often get offended very easily.

for me I embrace the black and white of life I want it told how it is, it works, I inspires me to see my addiction for what it is 

it will if left to manifest destruct my being.

just for today I will make a choice to arrest that next punt.

 I wish you well my friend 

lastly keep writing how you do because without doubt I believe that to recover you have to be prepared to give your own recovery away. Keep sharing 

Duncs

Thanks for all the kind messages guys.

Life goes on. I went for a nice run this morning, cut the grass☹️ and now I’m getting ready to drive the wife to a supermarket for supplies. 

It was strange last night. For the first time in 17 years we were able to close doors. Having a cat meant every door was left slightly open. Don't know why I bother to mention that but everyone seemed able to sleep a little longer because bedroom doors were shut whereas one person going downstairs usually wakes everyone else.

RR