How it works for me

So I have gambled since the age of 13... I am on a medium income wage and when I gamble the majority went on online slots ect. Basically back in November 2014 I had enough and decided to break my laptop. I then went and self excluded from all bookies in my area. This did work but did not make me understand why I gambled. Then in early 2016 I moved into my first flat and lived alone for the first time. Again I could not have a Laptop in my new flat because I could not trust myself. But what I did started doing was writing out everything that was on my mind. And also I could express myself without fear of ridicule or made to feel I had to explain myself to other people. And I wrote and wrote for months and did a form of self theropy. And this was my conclution...

I wanted people to feel the same way I did about gambling. I wanted simpathy and empathy from others but I did not want to take responsibilty for myself. So my triangle is gambling then blame then self pity then back to gambling. I had gone round this circle for years. I was totally incapable of expressing my feelings to myself or others but most importaintly I twisted my logic into blaming everyone else instead of taking full responsibility for my actions.

So in order for me to not gamble I have to admit it. I have to self exclude from every online site I can find or think off and I have to Self exclude from all bookies in order to stay in control. And thats the thing for me. When I self exclude I feel in control. I take back all my responsibility for my actions without excuse or blame.

I am very happy now that every site has a self exclusion policy and I have really enjoyed going round and doing this because I it makes me feel stronger as a person. And I admit that I cant be online without it.

I admit that I am a compulsive gambler but with understanding why you gamble and finding out your own cicle then you can stop and be in control and how ever you do it the feeling of strengh and control hopfully should return.