How many of my fears restricted me from living a healthy intimate realtionship with my self and all other people.

I’m a long time lurker, registered today to reply. I know, truly know how you feel. Those fears are all mine. 
I’ve been single since divorcing 7 years ago. The fear of anyone knowing my life or the pain I’ve endured keeps me alone. 
I’ve worked so hard, for little pay over the past 7 years to acquire the meagre possessions I have. 
In my life I’ve known every type of abuse. Physical, sexual, emotional, financial, psychological. I’ve inflicted much abuse on myself also, looking for ways to ease the pain I carry inside. 
I’ve gambled full wage packets, leaving myself completely broke for a month. I’ve lied to family and friends to help me get out of financial problems that we’re my own doing. I’ve participated in prostitution to pay the rent. I’ve gone years without a holiday but spent a fortune on lottery tickets and scratch cards that would have paid for a nice holiday. 
I work very hard at my job. I’m public facing and am terrified someone will expose my past mistakes. 
Im exhausted. I wonder if I will ever have a holiday, a relationship or feel at peace with myself ever again. 
I was shattered after work last night. Went to the casino for reasons I’ll never understand. I lost £200. That might not seem a lot but I’m devastated. I’ve still got rent and bill money this month, but no food money and I’ll have to walk to work and home again. 
why would I do this to myself now that I’ve come so far? Am I addicted to the pain I place upon myself? 
I wonder if I’ll ever know. Meanwhile everyone I know thinks I’m a friendly, happy-go-lucky, vibrant person who has her s**t together. 
I don’t. 

Dear Sosotired,

Thank you for registering with our Forum and coming to share your story.

I can hear that you are hurting after gambling last night, please know we are here for you. I wanted to reach out since I noticed you said you don't have any food money at the moment. I wonder if you have spoken to anyone else about this? Your GP is a good place to start, or also your local Citizens Advice: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

If you haven’t done so already, you can speak with our helpline or live chat any time. Both are available 24/7 so you can chat any time that is good for you. Our advisers are friendly and non-judgmental, and can talk you through your options for support.

Wishing you all the best,

Jamie

Forum Admin

@sosotired 

Hi

Thank you very much for your sharing that was very brave of you and exposed so much of your self.

You are a long time lurker, have you learned more about your self in seeing and feeling other people painful experiences.

You have been a victim of your child hood and tehn caused your self more pains and sufering.

Very sad story yet exposes so much of our lives.

I am sorry to hear you have suffered so much abuse, i to went through Physical, sexual, emotional, financial, psychological, humiliation, abaondonment, there was no affection nurturing or intimacy in my child hood.

I to inflicted much abuse on myself and also took so many unhealthy risk taking events.

I have been hti and run twice, I have been cut with a knife, I have been cut with a broken bottle, I have been kicked and beaten by 4 to 6 people at one time a very unhealthy gang of youths.

So much pain inflicted on me my body went in to trauma so that I could nto feel pain at all.

Then the next day ouch evey part of my body gave me so much pain.

If you want to the pain you carry inside in that hurt littel girl will be healed and rsolved.

Recovery and healing is so much easier when your fears reduce and your trust grows.

Sadly I have given my months money away and suffered in so many ways.

In effect I worked a month for nothing what so ever.

If a boss asked me to work a month with out any pay what so ever what would be my reply.

There comes a time when say I have hurt myself far to much, I want this to end.

Only buy abstaining can we even start to heal the hurt inner child is us.

While in action we are hurting our self, it is not possible to heal pains if we are still living in pains that day.

What kind of person would want to expose your past unhealthy choices.

I use to fear going in to meetings in case soem one knew me.

Then it was pointed out that we are all there for the same reasons.

Keeping it anonmous often means you are not exposed out side the meetings.

One day at the Calgary stampede I went to the toleta dn bumped in to another person in recovery.

We talked laughed and went back to our partners.

In time I would understand that the gambling addiction and my obsessions was just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable, the emotional triggers indicated that I was vulnerable and reacted in some very unhealthy ways.

My emotional triggers were pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, my unreasonable expectations I could not reduce, loneliness due to my fears of intimacy, and feelings of boredom due the fact I felt I did not feel worthwhile or productive in my life.

Being aware of when I was emotional vulnerable and understood my emotional triggers, I would reduce my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations I had no control over.

The deeper I got in to and understood my unhealthy reactions I would understand how to change unhealthy reactions to healthy interactions.

The thing I know now every painful thing that could happen to me has already happened, I was and am now a survivor.

How long would it take to start to admit to myself I was not only unhealthy but was also very emotionally vulnerable, I would also think that being emotionally vulnerable did not mean I was a weak person, not the same thing, also I know that I was then a survivor, yet was also a victim who could not speak up for himself or set up healthy boundaries set from a place of peace.

Because of the pains in my life, I was already a survivor, not weak at all.

I now understand that every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand, being in the recovery program I needed to face each fear and reduce each one of them.

If you commit your self in to a healthy recovery room you will find and feel at peace with your self. 

That hurt little girl will come out to play and no longer live in fear again.

I have done a list of my fears that at one time were mostly 10 out 10.

Fear of rejection and or abandonment, fear of telling the truth, fear of being accountable, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of being let down, fear of fear of humiliation, fear of loneliness, fear of the dentist, fear of the doctors, fear of injections, fear of betrayal, fear of disappointing people, fear of what people thought of me, fear of speaking up for myself, fear of being the victim, fear of aggression and confrontation, fear of letting people down, fear of validating myself, fear of taking a compliment, fear of the doctors, fear of the opposite s*x, fear of being committed, fear of Christmas, fear of Tax time, fear of writing my needs my wants and my goals, fear of writing down the pain and abuse I experienced in my life, fear of writing down injuries to my body, fear of writing down the emotional abuse I experienced, fear of writing down the physical abuse I experienced, fear of writing down the sexual abuse I experienced, fear of being myself, fear of my failings, fear of guilt shame regret remorse, fear of therapies, fear of being a loner, fear of setting boundaries, fear of having a voice to stand up for myself, fear of strangers, fear of healing my pains, fear of being a victim, fear of not making it, fear of people faces when they got to know me.

This list seems impossible looking at them in one lump.

Fear restricted me; fear froze me in the traumas of my past.

I took my worst fear, the 10 out of 10 and I asked myself what is the very worst that can happen.

Only once I was willing to accept the very worst that could happen would the level of my fears reduce.

The wording being self-sufficient did not mean much to me at the beginning of my recovery.

On walking in to the recovery I was traumatized exhausted lack any confidence in myself, I felt that the adrenaline rush or the buzz was the only time I felt happy and that no one could hurt me any more.

On coming out of a gambling establishment did I think I was in pain, that I had hurt myself once again, did I want to understand that I was escaping in my fears.

If you take your recovery seriously you will have holiday to remember and you will nto take your worst enemy with you..

Once you love your self and have a relationship with your self you will feel at peace with yourself. 

If all you lost was £200 it was a cheap lesson in understanding your last emotional was.

Clean time can not be lost.

You will sort out your rent and bill money this month, you ahve  doen ti many times before.

I hope this message was not to long for you.

Please come back with any questions.

I do not think you are addicted to the pain.

You are in taruma long before you took up your addictions.

The more questions you ask healthy people you will find a healthy life with out risks pain or fears.

Yes all  the time you hide your pains and fears and say you are fine you are lying to your self.

F**g a very healthy sponsor some one is not a bully, some one healthy who demonstrates nurturing and encouragement.

A very healthy sponsor will be tolerant andn patient with you.

A very healthy sponsor will not take any credit for your progres and will make sure you take responsability for every healthy goal you reach.

Make sure you open up to some one you know you can  trust who will nto take advantage of you while you are feeling vulnerable.

I am a non religious person yet I do take spirtual values seriously.

Thank you for sharing so much about your self is it very empowering.

When you heal you will have empathy for the healed hurt little girl in you.

Sorry for the long one.

They do cure insomnia.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

PS Thursday 18th August 2022 this week I celebrate 30 years gambling free. 

@sosotired 

Hi

I was wonder how you were.

You talking about your physical, sexual, emotional, financial, psychological pains was and is very healthy.

Your hurt inner child ahs a voice today.

By living in fear we are trying to prtect our hurt inner child.

For me living in fear is a very unhealthy habit.

Living in fear stops me having healthy realtionships with others.

When I use to come out of the gambling establisments after lossing every thing I could I was emotionally traumatized.

Sadly with pain comes greater levels of fears.

You being open and honest in a safe place, is the past being put to rest.

Healing the pain I carry inside is every ones wish.. 

It is very sad you had another bet do you understand what your emotional trigger was.

It is very sad indeed that you have gone years without a holiday.

Do you think that could be a goal for you now.

I felt emotionally exhausted and suppressed a big part of my life.

I really do not want or need to go back to that painful life any more.

Are you I addicted to the pain you place upon your self.

How much do you want your inner child to be free of pains fears and frustrations.

How much time and effort are you willing to put on your self.

Are you willing to heal the hurt child in you.

Are you willing to give a voice to the hurt child in you.

In the meetings you will get to see and feel your self in other people.

In the meetings you will get to understand how to find a much healthier life for your self.

In the meetings you will get to understand how to live life with out fear any more.