Hi
Walking in to the recovery program did I understand how emotionally vulnerable I was.
Did that addictions obsessions were a form of self abuse to myself.
Did I understand my emotional triggers and when I was vulnerable.
Did I hate the gambling establishments because I thought they hurt me.
The gambling establishments and the staff did not hurt me I hurt myself.
The gambling establishments and the staff did not make me do any thing I did not want to do.
At what point in my recovery did I understand that the word recovery meant for me to heal.
How could I change my thinking from I loved gambling to gambling was very unhealthy for me.
At what point in my recovery did I understand that therapies would help me open up and over come some of my fears.
How much did I value myself, how much time would I give to be in the meetings, how much time would I give of myself in writing down my needs my wants and my goals.
How much time each day would I give to writing down my lists of thing I need to do that day.
How much time and effort would I give in sharing myself with a healthy sponsor.
Can I find a healthier life being a non religious person.
In asking questions does that mean I am weak dumb or just no good, no me asking questions indicates my strength today.
If I am in a store do I ask for help if not why not.
In asking for help indicates how much I value myself and also that I want or need to know some thing useful.
If I am being asked questions do I instantly go in to fear, or do I think I can discuss things in a healthy way.
In recovery there are so many different characters, what we think is our own way, I do not feel threatened by having different opinions, and it is not about who is right or wrong, it is about how things work for you.
If some one gave me assurance's I could have learned more quickly about recovery I could have saved over twenty years of living in my pains in my life.
Sadly no matter how quickly you race in your recovery healing takes time.
It took me along time to get committed to myself.
To give up reacting in unhealthy ways to my pains fear frustrations loneliness and boredom took a very long time.
If asked in the start of my recovery when I was last angry it would have been measured in minutes.
In recent yeas I was asked when was I last angry, I laughed because it was measured in weeks.
To take all of my addictions and obsessions and change them in to healthy habits took me along time.
But to fill my time becoming more productive in healthy ways took some time.
And to give up doing things reluctantly took me along time.
Resenting going to work, wanting to get to Friday quickly as I found work stressful.
My fears are my responsibility, I needed to face each fear head on.
The more valuable things in my life today is healthy relationships and time.
In me being more intimate with myself I am able to be more intimate with my family and friends.
In me becoming more fearless with myself I am able to becoming more fearless with my family and friends.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK
Hi
I am a non religious person yet do beleive that having healthy spirtual values I am more ehalthy now than ever.
For me the recovery program was about healing my hurt inner child.
I walked in to the recovery program thinking I am here now fix me.
The recovery program was going to stop me gambling that was my healthy choice.
The recovery program was going to stop me lying that was my healthy choice.
The recovery program was going to help me talk abotu my therapies.
The recovery program was going to help me become more productive and more self sufficient.
How do I measure my recovery today.
I am less afraid.
Have most of my pains been healed.
Can my family live with out fearing me today.
Can my family be completely honest with me today.
Time and relationships are the most important thinsg in my life today.
Can I ask for help or advice.
Can I be the healthiest person I can be today.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK
For me the recovery program for me is a non religious healing process.
Yet I could not heal my pains all the time I was saying I was fine or not so bad. The addictions and my obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable, the emotional triggers indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable and reacted in some very unhealthy ways.
To understand my emotional triggers was very important for the healing process.
My emotional triggers were pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, my unreasonable expectations I could not reduce, loneliness due to my fears of intimacy, and feelings of boredom due the fact I felt I did not feel worthwhile or productive in my life.
Being aware of when I was emotional vulnerable and understood my emotional triggers, I would reduce my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations I had no control over.
The deeper I got in to and understood my unhealthy reactions I would understand how to change unhealthy reactions to healthy interactions.
To learn to love yourself, to learn to respect yourself, to learn to trust yourself, to learn to have emotional intimacy with yourself.
It was not possible to heal my pains I would not acknowledge.
In time I would live my life with out fears stunting my growth.
My fear were Fear of rejection and or abandonment, fear of telling the truth, fear of being accountable, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of being let down, fear of fear of humiliation, fear of loneliness, fear of the dentist, fear of the doctors, fear of injections, fear of betrayal, fear of disappointing people, fear of what people thought of me, fear of speaking up for myself, fear of being the victim, fear of aggression and confrontation, fear of letting people down, fear of validating myself, fear of taking a compliment, fear of the doctors, fear of the opposite s*x, fear of being committed, fear of Christmas, fear of Tax time, fear of writing my needs my wants and my goals, fear of writing down the pain and abuse I experienced in my life, fear of writing down injuries to my body, fear of writing down the emotional abuse I experienced, fear of writing down the physical abuse I experienced, fear of writing down the sexual abuse I experienced, fear of being myself, fear of my failings, fear of guilt shame regret remorse, fear of therapies, fear of being a loner, fear of setting boundaries, fear of having a voice to stand up for myself, fear of strangers, fear of healing my pains, fear of being a victim, fear of not making it, fear of people faces when they got to know me.
This list seems impossible looking at them in one lump.
Fear restricted me; fear froze me in the traumas of my past.
I took my worst fear, the 10 out of 10 and I asked myself what is the very worst that can happen.
Only once I was willing to accept the very worst that could happen would the level of my fears reduce.
Love healing and peace to everyone.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK
Hi
I am sorry to hear people are feeling vulnerable and in pain at this time.
I was consumed by my addiction for some and by attending recovery meetings I go to abstain and heal my deep seated pains.
When I turned to gambling I was consumed in my fears.
It would cause an adrenline rush in me that I though was exciting and happiness.
In time I do not need to escape from myself or any one else.
It was helped by saying to myself just for today only I will not gamble.
By attending the meeting of GA I was able to put some clean time in.
When ever I did break out again and agin I got to understand what my emotional triggers were.
In time I would understand that the gambling addiction and my obsessions was just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable, the emotional triggers indicated that I was vulnerable and reacted in some very unhealthy ways.
In my recovery I got to understand my emotional triggers, pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, loneliness, and boredom.
I got to understand my anger was an unhealthy reaction to pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
Some time I would escape in other ways avoiding my feelings and my emotions, TV computer games, just feeling disconnected from people.
I became selfish in my recovery, I did not want to self destroy myself and my family.
I also did not work for the rest of life, giving all my hard earned money to complete strangers, while I suffered in my pains.
Going to meetings became more and more important to my well being, in the meetings I got to understand more and more about how emotionallly vulnerable I was.
I did not want to waste my life away, I did not want to my self or my family any more, I did not want to be a lonely isolated person any more.
I was willing to exchange each unhealthy habit and exchange them in to healthy habits.
When do you start to peel back the onion and expose the hurt inner child in you?
Love healing and peace to everyone.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK
I so love reading any of your posts, they are always so well written and i agree with just about everything you have put. Not only do i like reading your posts because they are so relevant to my own battle, but they also always get me thinking, and usually away on a tangent from your original message.
Lately i have been giving lots and lots of thought, and often for hours at a time to my moods (can i call this mental health/well being?)
I`am starting to really believe that aiming my moods to being middle of the road are much more preferable in the long run than aiming for happiness. Now don`t get me wrong i am in a very good place right now, gamble free, relationship and the work front is better than it has ever been. But i find myself believing that being lets call it `contented` is much better in the long term than out and out `happiness`.
I often find that highs of happiness inevitably lead to deep lows along the way, sometime afterwards. Whereas feeling contented just leads to more feelings of contentedness.
Maybe i am fearful of returning to a hedonistic lifestyle again that almost broke me, or possibly i am starting to realize that contentedness and a different pace of life suit me better.
`I am sorry to hear people are feeling vulnerable and in pain at this time`- this is something that really upsets me, but the inspiration and good feeling of people beating this is uplifting and inspiring.
`When I turned to gambling I was consumed in my fears.` -i relate to that though didn`t realize it at the time, and still don`t fully understand what i was fearful of.
`It would cause an adrenaline rush in me that I though was exciting and happiness.` - in the early years that was so true, but for the last decade i felt nothing, no pain no happiness , just a constant numb feeling as a gambled.
`In time I do not need to escape from myself or any one else.` - So true, this is one of the best things i`ve found about myself in the last few months, i`m more than happy in my own company when i need to be.
`When ever I did break out again and again I got to understand what my emotional triggers were.` - again i agree when i look at things impartially the triggers stand out,and plans to battle them become so clear.
`In time I would understand that the gambling addiction and my obsessions was just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable, the emotional triggers indicated that I was vulnerable and reacted in some very unhealthy ways.` - again i agree, the counselling help i received was so good at bringing this into my conscious and leave it there for me to think about and ponder at my own pace.
`In my recovery I got to understand my emotional triggers, pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, loneliness, and boredom.` - All relevant to me but the word that sticks out is expectations, as i put above i like to feel contented these days, no great expectations and take life as it comes.
`I got to understand my anger was an unhealthy reaction to pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.` - i was an angry, grumpy time bomb waiting to explode, and i did often, but now i cant remember my last argument.
`Some time I would escape in other ways avoiding my feelings and my emotions, TV computer games, just feeling disconnected from people.` - totally relate, i`m still doing this now, for now i`m happy and contented with not gambling, but at some point i need to address my own often obsessive solitude.
`I did not want to waste my life away, I did not want to my self or my family any more, I did not want to be a lonely isolated person any more.` - i`m still comfortable with isolation, but i am much better at attending functions and family plans.
`I was willing to exchange each unhealthy habit and exchange them in to healthy habits.` - i`m still in the early stages so stopping gambling is sufficing for now, but longer term this is certainly what i`d like to do.
`When do you start to peel back the onion and expose the hurt inner child in you?` - Yep there are things n my own past that are hard and i try to understand, my parents were good hard working people and always tried there best, but there were some very tough times, but i don`t believe anyone was to blame, and its more beneficial to put it in the past and move on. That`s the good frame of mind i am currently in to think this way.
Thank you so much for getting my mind thinking and contemplating, its good that people put such thought provoking posts, and enable us to take a good analytical look at ourselves.
Sorry for the long post.
And i hope you are feeling very very contented!
Hi
The word mood is very rarely mentioned, can we say that mood is based up on our feelings emotions and how we interact or react to people life and situations in a healthy or unhealthy way..
The saying being contented is based up a level of stability.
Being contented would indicate is we are happy with out progress and level of success, that is far better than being discontented and not happy with any thing we do or say.
Happiness can be said to be content and satisfied.
You say deep lows would that be depression do you think.
That is the first time I have heard deep lows hedonistic lifestyle.
Are you being hard on your self.
If we understand that we are unhealthy not at all bad eveil or just no good.
Your unhealthy reactions addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that you were emotionally vulnerable.
You say different pace of life then are you accepting that risk taking and rushing things was not healthy for you.
It is not possible for us to heal other people pains but we can help by talking things out in a healthy interaction.
Do you see your pains in others.
Do you think you have healed some of your pains so far.
This is uplifting and inspiring, yes recovery helps dedicated people find a much saafer ehalthier path in their life one day at a time.
So very true and accoutnable `When I turned to gambling I was consumed in my fears.`
Yes it was high elivated fears that caused the hish levels of adrenlaine rush in us.
Good question what i was fearful of.
The emotional pains of our past caused fears in us we did not understand.
The recovery program helps us heal our pains, face and reduce our fears.
And of course helps us reduce our unreasonable expectations of people lief and situations.
`It would cause an adrenaline rush in me that I though was exciting and happiness.`
Yes this self enlightenment is a very big step in our understanding our recovery.
For the last decade i felt nothing, no pain no happiness , just a constant numb feeling as a gambled.
This is refered to as a state of emotional truama.
escape from myself
Turning to unhealthy habist was self destructive.
Yes this is the slow learning curve w learn from.
`When ever I did break out again and again I got to understand what my emotional triggers were.
We learn to interact rather than react in unhealthy ways.
`In time I would understand that the gambling addiction and my obsessions was just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable, the emotional triggers indicated that I was vulnerable and reacted in some very unhealthy ways.` - again i agree, the counselling help i received was so good at bringing this into my conscious and leave it there for me to think about and ponder at my own pace.
This is very powerful.
This is often done because people are so used to escaping in many different ways.
`Some time I would escape in other ways avoiding my feelings and my emotions, TV computer games, just feeling disconnected from people.` - totally relate, i`m still doing this now, for now i`m happy and contented with not gambling, but at some point i need to address my own often obsessive solitude.
`I did not want to waste my life away, I did not want to my self or my family any more, I did not want to be a lonely isolated person any more.` - i`m still comfortable with isolation, but i am much better at attending functions and family plans.
The understanding our needs our wants and our goals.
Thank you so much for getting my mind thinking and contemplating, its good that people put such thought provoking posts, and enable us to take a good analytical look at ourselves.
Your interactions with the web site show you are starting a much healthier journey in your recovery.
Sorry for the long post.
Not at all very much appreciate your insight in to what healing and recovery is all about.
And i hope you are feeling very very contented!
Hi
The wroding ticking time bomb was a very healthy way of expressing how emotionally vulnerable you were.
I understand that as we dig deeper and heal those pains we become more stable in our self.
To reach a point where we are content in our self.
Yet being content we find we can achieve so much more in our life and we decide on golas we want to reach.
By us not reacting in such volatile ways indicates that the deeper pains have been resolved.
As we see and feel out ourself in other we get to see our future full potential in our self.
Thank you for your sharing.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham UK
Hi
I understnd that each time I gambled I made things much worse.
Just for today I will not gamble is very slow baby steps to a healthier life.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham UK
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