I got to understand that I could not do recovery and healing on my own.

Hi

I got to understand that I could not do recovery and healing on my own.

I would learn that I needed more than one meeting per week to help me get to be a much healthier person with out being consumed by my adddictions and obsessions.

It seemed impossible and very painful to be honest at meetings, but eventually I was able to do so.

The most important to understand was by being in meetings I was not gambling and I was learning to be more honest with my self.

When I did go back to gamble again I could understand what my last emotional trigger was.

In time I got to understand that my emotional triggers were my pains, my emotional triggers were my fears, my emotional triggers were my frustrations, my emotional triggers were my boredom, my emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness.

The longer I attended the meetings the more aware I was that I needed to be more active in my recovery.

I found it strange that when I was honest at the date of my last bet I was clapped no matter when my last bet, this seemed very weird.

I was clapped for my honesty, I was clapped because I was in the meetings.

I got to understand that the more meetings I attended that my fears reduced, my trust grew more and more, and I was able to be more and more honest with my self.

The reason I use to lie was I was filled with so much pain and fears.

I got to understand clean time can not be lost.

During a two year period I go to learn that the recovery program was much more than just abstaining.

Once I was able to abstain from my unhealthy habits I was abale to get my a*s in to gear and I could become less lonely, less inadequate, less inept, less fear filled, less harder on my self.  

As I reduced my fears my intimacy with my self and others increased and improved.

The recovery program was an eye opener as to how much I was missing in my life.

The like minded people in the recovery program helped me achieve so much more with my life.

I got to write down my healthy needs, I got to write down my healthy wants and I got to write down my goals.

I use to keep saying to my self "I have to" do this or I have to do that, that recovery changed the way I talked to my self.

By saying "I have to" implied that I did things obsessively, that I did things resentfully or reluctantly.

By going to meetings I would change my motivation in so man ways.

Each time I went back to gambling I simply made things much worse and much more painful.

My levels of fears were very high due to the pains of my past having not been healed.

In time I would write down what all of my fears were.

I would also write down what level my fears were out of ten, ten being the highest level.  

I faced each fear and as I did so I asked my self what was the very worst that could happen if my fears came to life.

By me accepting the very worst that could happen my fears reduced and as I did each one my over all levels of fears reduced.

By me reducing my fears there was less anxiety, less nervousness, less loneliness, less panicking which was the worst kind of fear for me.

Sadly my fears disabled me in so many ways in my life.

Lack of confidence, lack of self esteem, lack of self worth, lack of our real potential.
 
The recovery program was an eye opener for me.

The recovery program was going to improve my potential in every aveneue of my life.

The recovery program was to help me heal the hurt inner child in me.

Healing love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham