Hi.
Currently 2 months gamble-free. Hoping to stay gamble-free for the rest of my life. I hit the rock bottom many times and every time the bottom was even more deeper, painful and crushing. When I hit it the last time, even deeper this time - I lost everything I cared about. Woman of my life, my pride, my savings, my friends. And I honestly believe I needed this. I had to crush my pride before I could admit that I have this collossal problem and I am not in control anymore and likely I will need to be very careful for the rest of my life. When my pride was stomped to death and I cried like a baby when she left that moment I was born again.
I wont deny that I hold a lot of anger and a lot of self-disgust sometimes, but there is a lot more compassion to myself, a lot more love for myself as well. I honestly want to do good in life, be healthy and be happy. And these normal human emotions are quite new to me. I cherish them every time I feel it. I have changed my life in these last 60 days in a way and form that I could never thought it would be possible.
* I have lost 20 pounds and finally I do not fall into obese category.
* I can speak with myself. I can be with myself in silence. And boy, that is amazing feeling.
* I started excersising and eating healthy.
* I keep a journal where I spill my heart out.
* I am much more succesful at work and attract co-workers like magnet.
* I finally feel like a man. I feel confident, funny, charismatic, s**y and I am not ashamed of my body.
* I take showers and dress nice - and that might sound funny, but before I didnt care a single bit about myself. I hated myself.
* I stopped lying and giving promises I know I wont fullfill.
* I can look at my eyes in the mirror and not feel shame, hate and disgust.
* I finally doing what I loved before - reading books. I focus on self-help books right now.
* I make my bed when I wake up, because I know I will sleep in my bed and not on the couch, car or somewhere else passed out drunk. That makes me calm.
* I find happiness in small things - I almost fell into tears when I bought something that I wanted to buy for years which costs 0,01% of what I lost gambling. When I was gambling I felt like I couldnt afford it because of my gambling problem while putting much bigger money into online casinos. What a joke.
* I fell in love with music again. I fell in love with making food again. I fell in love with painting again.
* I finally have dreams. I love having dreams. I can close my eyes and imagine something and that makes me genuinely happy.
I never thought that there is this kind of life when I was gambling. I am very thankful that I hit the very rock bottom and havent died. There was many times I almost killed myself when this disease was controlling me. I am happy that I can understand what happened to me and I know the ways to help myself.
I stand tall and I am looking into what the future will bring. I feel like if I could achieve all of this within couple of months then only God knows where lies my limitations. I feel powerful.
If you still gambling, please know, that there is a sun behind all the dark clouds. It doesnt have to be like that. If you start changing things - this will snowball into other areas of your life. You and other people will be quick to notice the changes and that will accelerate you even more.
If you just stopped gambling and you are going through your personal hell - keep going - there is only one way and that way is up.
Good luck everyone, I will see you on a bright side!
Hi european,
What a powerful post from despair to hope & optimism. I certainly hit rock bottom in 2018 & haven't gambled since. Sometimes I gambled all night, even betting on a Vietnamese football match at 6 am going all in a desperate attempt to recover losses. When my wife had asked why I didn't come to bed I'd say I fell asleep at midnight & didn't want to wake her at 6 am.
The withdrawal was awful when I stopped, trying to fill a void I believed only gambling could fulfill. It was so hard. Nowadays I go to bed always, crash out almost immediately but wake up really early before my wife's alarm goes off. Sometimes as she sleeps I look at her & thank god she didn't say " SLING YOUR HOOK " back in 2018. I ponder, say to myself " Just For Today " . Recovery is a slow process for a CG.
Couple of hours later I'm showering knowing I have to get 2 grandsons to school & drop my daughter in law off at work. Thoughts of gambling don't enter my head until my job's done & I sit down to maybe a slice of toast & a cup of coffee. A million thoughts go through my head, like Xmas almost here, you've abstained, one winning bet won't do any harm. One win I could spoil my wife rotten.
The thoughts of earlier in the morning watching a woman sleep, stress free, not worrying about what dark secrets I'm holding from the previous day, asking myself does she really deserve this given her support. So far so good, another day common sense prevails. She deserves better, I deserve better. A dog walk in the freezing cold, the vacuum cleaner out, cleaning the bathroom & anything else I can find to keep me busy till it's time to pick the boys up from school usually does the trick. After getting the boys home from school the most wonderful woman ( untouched by addiction ) returns home to someone who's nothing to hide.
I'm not cocky, I'm not complacent, I'm not trying to convince myself I'm free from addiction. However I am grateful that several hours before I set myself no targets other than "just for today" & I survived. I'll worry about tomorrow when it comes. You're absolutely right there is a sun behind dark clouds.
Best Wishes
AL
Hi
In finding a healthier life with out addicions and obsessons gave me more healthier choices.
Today I do not want or need to gamble.
To value my self and time more each day.
I do not want to lie any more.
I do not want to live in fear any more.
How much more time and energy am I willing to invest in to my self.
Dave L
Hi
I did not think that I would ever be free of the Gambling & obsessions and unhealthy habits.
In time I would understand that my the Gambling & obsessions and unhealthy habits were fun the buzz and escape was happiness and exciting.
In time I would understand that the buzz and feelings of escape were unhealthy reactions and I was self abusing my self.
Why did I need to have the unhealthy reactions and not be able to reduce my fears.
I use to do many things resentfully and reluctanty.
I use to hate Mondays and going to work.
I use to wish my week away because I wanted to escape completely over the week end.
I did not like my self respect or value my self.
On walking in to the meetings I wanted only talk about money lost or being in action.
By doing that I was not facing how vulnerable I use to feel.
The only time I felt succesful was winning at gambling, gettings things cheap or getting things for nothing.
I use to dumper dive and try to get things for nothing.
When asked in to the office my first reaction was what have I do wrong.
Before my recovery I did not understand I had certain emotional triggers.
Before my recovery I did not understand I always felt I had low self worth about my self.
Before my recovery I did not understand I that I did not love respect or value my self.
Once I moved on from talking about money or being in action I started to open up to giving and lsiteneing to therapies.
I did nto have a clue how to reduce my fears or learn to articlulte my feelings and emotions.
Then by exchanging all of my unhealthy habits in to healthy habits only then did I become more productive and more self sufficient.
Asking for help was a big thing for me, yet I understood in time by my sharing my fears reduced and my trust grew.
Therapies were more about emotional intimacy and exposing my hurt inner child.
I am now clean over 30 years, just for today I do not want or need to gamble.
I do not know about tomorrow I will face it when I get to tomorrow.
In the last month I have had lazer surgery on my eyes,I was nervous yet not panicking.
The more time and effort I put in to my recovery the more results I seee and feel in my self.
No one could convince me that my unhealthy habits were self destructive.
No one could stop me gambling.
No one could stop me from lying, that a gain was my own choice.
Each time a person admits to going back to gambling is a sign of strength, they are being accountable to them self.
By going back to gambling we get to understand what was our last emotional trigger.
I could not trust my self with money, very simple to understand.
Handing over my money to a person I could trust was a sign of strength, would help me value money.
The recovery program is very much people learning how to ski on mountains for the first time.
By being linked to people who have learned from their mistakes shows us how to do thigs in a safe secure way.
With help of others we learn to pick up some very healthy habits.
By reducing our fears and learning more healthy skills we gain more confidence in our selves.
As I got more and more in to my recovery I would want to know and understand more about my recovery.
I use to have dreams and nightmares about being in action.
It was so real and consuming tha I would wake up and feel the chips in my hands.
It was so real and unsettling that during that nightmare I really thought and felt I had gone back to Gambling.
One important thin in my recovery was to have a sponsor who would demonstrate nurturing and encouraging ways to me to understand my last emotional triggers..
The lists of fears I use to have were huge and in time those fears reduced from 10 out of 10 to 1 2 or 3 out of 10.
In other peoples motivation I was able to see and feel tha I could achieve more with my life.
When ever I gambled I nearly always make things much worse than they were.
The very last thing I want or need to do today is Gamble.
Love healing and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
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