Hello, I'm 22 years old and I've managed to stop gambling for 1 year and 1 month (Which is great). I don't post here really as I feel like my gambling problem is as "Significant" as others as stupid as that may sound. I've never gambled into debt however I've gambled to points where I certainly shouldn't have and lost myself to chasing back my losses however I'd like to share the positives and how I overcame my addiction and how only in hindsight did I spot where the roots of my addiction really came from. Â
However I'd like to share my story...
I'd really say gambling came from multiple areas in my life. The first way I got introduced to gambling was through my father when we'd go to the pub together when around 8 years old, I'd sit and play cards with people on a Friday and watch TV while he drank, I was not even forced to be there I just enjoyed the company. However the flashing lights of a puggie (Slot machine) attracted my attention as a child and sometimes I'd sit and watch people play and occasionally my father would let me play on the machine and I'd love the thrill, he'd also take me to the 10p machines at the arcade which didn't help with the issue.Â
The second area that started to further make gambling an issue is online games, such as Runescape where you could gamble in a dice game bet coins on a dice roll between 1-100 and if was > 55 then you'd double your original bet. Now if this was side thing it wouldn't be an issue however being young (around 9) this became my primary obsession and I'd spend my days the game either begging for coins from other players or gambling instead of actually playing the game.Â
Sadly later on (around 11) my father left as well as many other factors I will not discuss, Now at the time I just felt sad about the situation but due to him leaving I feel like I leaned towards area where I would be somehow "connected" in an activity I used to do with him e.g. gambling.
I started play a game called CSGO (Counter strike global offensive) where you could buy skins with real money for you guns to make them cool, however you could also gamble these skins. This led to a point where when I receive money I would buy these skins with the money and gamble it all away... every single time. This led the point where I'd have to lie to my mum about where my money had gone, I'd hide bank statements. It never led to the point of debt but I never really "saved" properly.Â
I'd switch between this and Runescape buying coins with real life money or buying CSGO skins and gambling all my money that I either got from school (EMA) or birthday money.
Once I turned 18, I obviously tried online gambling which was just a faster way to lose your money and hate yourself quicker, I won xxxx one time on online poker and I told my girlfriend, and then I went £100 in, and another and another and I had lost it all, and I lied to her and said it wasn't actually real money.. (Even before writing this I totally forgot about this and proceeded to tell my girlfriend because truth on every matter really does help which I will talk about later)Â
The only times I'd actually gamble is when I was bored or lonely which was a frequent occurrence because of all the issues that where going in my younger years with my life and it felt like it filled the hole or emptiness that was left there but after I'd done gambling I'd only just hate myself more after you always lose.Â
Breaking point....
Over the years of gambling my friends pointed out I had a problem and I'd kind of laugh it off like yeah.... I do but never really take it seriously however I'd never tell how much I'd gamble because of how much I'd lost and I think this is a key sign of the addiction when you have to hide it.Â
My breaking point occurred when actually I won large amount of money xxxx on a live gambling game, I was thrilled and ran to show my mum and my girlfriend who where like this is amazing... Now I'm sure you can guess where this is going and you'd be correct but with somewhat of a twist. A week later I went back because "Maybe I could win more money" which obviously isn't going to happen, so I gambled, and lost, so I tried to chase back my losses and kept going and kept going and suddenly I've lost £5000 of the xxxx.Â
Now I knew where this was going and with tears and snotters and chest full of self loathing I contacted gamcare for help. Now this was my first step towards truly accepting that it was an issue. With gamcare they told me I was very brave and put me in contact with a advisor. To be honest with you she was pretty c**P, this doesn't mean all these people are bad it's just she wasn't very helpful. Here her basic advice boiled down to "just don't" which is pretty useless suggestion. Now gamcare helped but I'd say the true "help" was finally just admitting "you've got problem", "you're an addict" but it's okay because at the end of the day it's in your head and you're the one that makes the final decisions. (easier said than done)
After I contacted gamcare i went to my mum and told my mum and admitted that I need help and I'm not okay, this also pushed her to face her demons and after months we're much better people than we originally where. Secondly I told my girlfriend which was really hard because you feel like a failure as partner and a person and you don't feel worthy of their love , however my partner is a wonderful person and only gave me love and support which is all I really needed.Â
I stopped myself from visiting and gambling sites I used a blocker but I'm very tech savvy so I know how to get round these things, so it's more a mental block like you know its wrong, the urge is there and it's bloody strong but you just need to get up and go talk to someone, or go outside and the urge will pass just like anything else.Â
I used my girlfriend and my mum as a support network talking to them anytime I have an issue with gambling or feel like gambling and just having a conversation and it honestly really helps.Â
Any friend that ever talks about gambling, I openly tell them I'm gambling addict and that I struggle with gambling, it really helps reinforce that gambling is a problem. Â
Nowadays a year on, I watch gambling videos (very occasionally) but the urge to gamble is no longer there because I've come to realise that these influencers are just fake, they may use legit sites but all their losses are covered and they're always down overall, you're never gonna win big, you're only going to give them your money, the maths is staring you in the face you just need to realise it. Gambling is all but an afterthought in my mind very occasionally does it come up but I never let it dictate my decisions anymore.Â
If you're suffering from a gambling addiction, please seek help with Gamcare, create a support network, admit that it's a problem but like any problem you can face it, you just really, really have to try. It's not going to be easy nothing good ever is but you'll thank yourself, and I'll be proud of you too.Â
Hi
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Abstaining from gambling for 1 year and 1 month is a very healthy thing to do.
Money and debt were only the consequences of our unhealthy reaction and our emotional triggers to people life and situations.
Chasing back my losses was never going to give me emotional resolve or heal my pains.
Money was just the fuel for my addiction.
Money was never going to buy me healing or emotional resolve.
Often people involved with gambling find some attraction from earlier experiences of family gatherings with gambling involved.
I Used to think that by getting easy money gambling that I was success.
Because of my father being a very unhealthy person and suffering from PTSD my mother left my father when I was 8 years of age.
Sadly, she lived in her fears most of her life.
During those 8 years with my father, I was a witness to his abuse to my mother.
Being in the recovery still wanted to escape in other ways.
Sadly, I was not healing my pains or understanding my emotional triggers.
The gambling was an escape and indicated how emotionally vulnerable I was.
I used to think I was bored if I was not gambling.
Now I understand that I thought I both wanted and needed the adrenaline rush to feel alive.
The wording hole or emptiness was a very good explanation of something missing from my life.
Was it the risk taking, or the adrenaline rush I missed?
Could I not feel content and inner peace without healing my hurt inner child?
My laughing it off was my nervousness and my fears showing them self.
In wanting to heal my hurt inner child seriously would take my time and energy in doing some in depth talks and therapies.
In other people therapies I would see and feel myself in others.
The recovery program is very much like mountain climbers being connected together through therapies and living life with less fears.Â
The addiction was a form of escape in our fears.
Opening up and listening starts or curiosity.
In time we find emotional healing and resolve.
In time we find empathy and healing of our pains.
What I wanted and needed from my parents they were unable to give me.
In time I would find nurturing and encouragement in myself.
Winning a large amount of money just gave me more fuel for my addiction.
Winning a large amount of money just prolonged the pain I caused myself.
We even get to think that by winning quick money we feel successful in our self.
The wins and losses use to be big emotional roller coaster rides for me.
You get in to thinking that the adrenaline highs were happiness, no there were fear-based adrenaline rushes.
Our self-loathing and anger indicated that I was not able to heal my pains or face my fears.
In my life I found the only person could help me heal was someone who had gone through the same experiences I had been through, and they had healed their pains.
Walking in top the recovery program I was not very brave, but I was very scared and filled with lots of fears.
People have often questioned if I was a counsellor, even though I assure them I am not a counsellor they do not believe me.
With huge levels of fear comes fears of emotional intimacy and opening our self-up.
I was never able to tell my mum that I was emotionally vulnerable.
She already knew it because she saw herself in me.
I did not understand that emotional intimacy was also part of our healing process.
Often taking other people’s failings as being my own failing.
I married my wife without knowing what emotional intimacy and love was all about.
I was not a failure I was emotionally vulnerable.
It was only by abstaining from gambling could the healing process of my pains start in my life.
In time I would exchange my unhealthy habits into healthy habits.Â
Because of the emotional traumas in my life, I did not feel worthy of anything, or people love towards me.
As I faced each fear and reduced my fears the world opened up to me.
Children and dogs opened up came up to me.
Children and dogs did not see the adult in me they saw my healed hurt inner child come out to play without any fears.
Using a blocker is a short-term aid.
You say it is a mental block no deep down you know it is unhealthy.
Our recovery is not about right wrong good or bad, for me it is what is healthy or unhealthy.
Gambling is not bloody strong it is us that is I am or was emotionally vulnerable.
The Gambling and obsessions are the symptoms and just indicate we are emotionally vulnerable.
For me watching gambling at the beginning of my recovery was a very unhealthy thing to do, it was a form of escape again.
My emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, loneliness, and boredom.
I got to understand my anger was an unhealthy reaction to pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
Where do you start to peel back the onion and expose the hurt inner child in you?
Please stick focused with your recovery and finding a healthy life for yourself and your family.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham UK
Hi, well done. It's good to hear success stories to help people just starting out. I too am 13 months gamble free and used all the blockers and help available from gamcare including their free counselling service.
As I say to new people who think it is impossible to stop, no matter how successful a story you read remember we all started at day 1.
All the best
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