Getting away with it or recovery?

"Opening up is THE key to both stopping gambling and a deeper recovery." - for you maybe but not necessarily for others.

Without knowing the details of everyone's lives it seems odd that anyone can give 'matter of fact' advice on such a subject. Granted the consensus seems to be to bare all but I don't see evidence to suggest not doing so always fails, or that coming clean at the latter stages of recovery isn't a better option.

Regardless recovery can be a challenge so I am choosing to take the path that I think will give the greatest chance to succeed.

Who knows maybe I will be on here in a few months time with a different opinion.

I appreciate it might seem odd that I give matter of fact advice like this, but after 4.5 years on here there are clear patterns. I could liken it standing next to a crossroads, watching injured people take different paths.

The scary thing is that almost no-one succeeds with secrecy. The only person ever to succeed in my time, was someone who appeared recently out of the blue to announce 7 years gf with secrecy. This the only success - even with him, we couldn't track any progress, no idea if he had a partner. just a random proclamation. Contrast with 1000s of failed attempts at secrecy. Contrast 100s who succeed with honesty.

Do you not think they are totally mental stats? I know, I'm not presenting facts, but observations based on spending more time on here than may be wise.

lol volcano maybe I don't articulate aswell as others Louis seems to be under the assumption that I'm having a go but I'm not , I agree with mostly what he says but maybe it's just the way Louis writes that o think he's having a go with me?

I'll try to clean it up.

I've not justified secrecy maybe temporary secrecy?

Just stopped again could be referencing me 10 months is a short period in the grand scheme of life yes . But then I'm talking from life experience which is of the same value as someone who has more gamble free time.

Again to say I've got personal interest/guilt I have neither I think I've stated multiple times that there's nothing I've kept secret from my wife . Or anyone I talk openly to all who ask . I'm not ashamed of my past I let it go . And if anything it made me the person I am today. I let my family read my diary. But it's only things I tell them anyway.

So to answer in short no I have nothing to hide/gain or feel guilty about.

All the best

I understand that once we are dug in deep it can be very hard to tell people close what we have been doing.

However secrecy can only eat us up inside and it would really put an unbearable pressure on during recovery.. It must create a mental pressure that can only lead to further stress and gambling. It will make recovery a lot harder and thats a fact.

It is getting away with it because the partner wont know that their loving husband/wife has made a massive dent in the finances with a secret activity. It is akin to cheating because a partner assumes there is some financial stability in life. In some ways (dare I say it) its worse than having an affair because a gambling addiction can empty a bank balance faster than anything. Its certainly lying to your partner and its not a little white lie

Having said that I fail to see how it wont come out eventually so I feel gamblers are living on borrowed time. The "getting away with it" will be more temporary than most think The stress of losses must show and what happens when funding a holiday or extra purchase is suggested?

I dont know who the people are that can compulsively gamble and earn the money back quick enough that nothing happened...nothing to see here. "I walked into the living room and smiled at my loving partner knowing every penny had been put back in the bank account"....it doesnt really work like that and thats why we are on a recovery forum. There may be a few people who get away with secrets but a gambling addiction can only get worse and spiral downwards.

I like to think we are all on the same page. I am crystal clear that openness and honesty is the only way forward. You can restore some finances if you like but at a very early stage I feel its necessary to tell people this is what I've done and this is the money I have lost. Its about facing who you are so the real recovery can begin.

Best wishes to everyone on the forum

I think this goes back to my point where everyone's circumstances differ. My initial destructive behaviour is known about and although I have been gambling since I haven't added to any financial issues. Any debts ran up have been coming down consistently since. I haven't borrowed to gamble really apart from on the very odd occasion.

The latest gambling has really only affected me - any spare cash I had was being misused, and my mental state was up and down.

My reasons for quiting are not because I am harming others with my actions it's the damage I was doing to myself.

As I said I may change the way I feel and then you can tell me I told you so but at the moment I am not carrying any guilt I am just fighting my fight how I see fit.

Onwards and upwards! 😉

Now for the biggest challenge of the day find all the pictures of the car, buildings or bridges arrrgggghhhh!

It's not about the money and just because in your mind you are the only one affected by this it does not make it so. How do you know loved ones don't know something is "off"?

Cathyx

Hi Cathy,

I have always been a laid back person - you would struggle to tell if I had just lost the last of the money in my account.

When you gamble every day you become numb to it all it's just a way to fill the time, you don't really have many ups and downs. There are obviously the lows when you need to get some money together to get by but on the whole it's quite robotic.

I wouldn't say my mood/behaviour was any more noticeable than anyone elses - people are sometimes annoyed whether gamblers or not - if anything people would probably say I am quite happy and positive generally.

Is your laid back style a front? The shame of losing money, of being an addict hurts. That pain needs to go somewhere.

You might be outwardly laid back. But what's going on inside? Have you managed to totally repress all emotions?

For me I tried pretty hard but never quite managed to repress it all.

Ps. I also cultivated a laid back approach

Also don't see how people in a committed relationship have special money trees for gambling - where money spent on it comes from some special place, where if it wasn't spent on gambling, it wouldn't have existed. So its ok and no impact. Nothings interconnected.

Gambling tokens. Literally. Can't be spent elsewhere

My laid back style is what it is, don't get me wrong in the past I have been furious at myself for excess gambling. Recent times have seen my gambling reduced to a stupid waste of money hobby to kill time (way way too much time and energy).

Some people waste money on clothes, others golf clubs, others ski's - whatever your poison is everyone wastes money on something. If I wasn't gambling I would be buying the latest gadgets and gizmos like I used to do hence I am the one missing out.

My wife and daughter don't miss out iPads, Apple watches, holidays etc.

Its interesting and we care about everybody on the forum. Nobody can hold an arm up your back and force you to do anything you dont want to do.

In 2014 and 2015 my gambling very quickly affected my family and I live alone. I was bailed out with serious money from being homeless several times and I covered most of it with lies. They must have realised something was seriously wrong and my extra stress just gets transmitted through them. No man is an island unless youve set yourself up as some super hermit. I wouldnt want to gamble even as a hermit because its the fast track to complete ruin.

Ive been in a zone where I could ride the losses and still pay my bills but the truth is it made me more depressed even if I tried to put a brave face on it. The truth is I was doing without other things as a limited income means choices. I have never had the sort of money where I could blow £100 in a pub machine one night but thats what I used to do before my gambling spiralled down to thousands a year. it would have been more if I could have got my hands on more.

The power of my addiction came up with a coping mechanism until all my rent and food money was disappearing into a coin slot.

Cardhue puts it very well indeed. There isnt a special money tree...its ok darling it came off the special money tree I cultivated just for gambling..... it just keeps growing the stuff so I can gamble without risk 🙂 .Oh thats alright love...I was worried for a moment that you might be throwing away large amounts of money that we need to live on.

Have you all got massive personal bank balances you dont tell your partner about... I doubt it 🙂

Gamblers have a funny relationship with money anyway. I worry about numbness of going through the motions because thats the addiction zone. What we should have been doing is screaming with every pound lost because its a mugs game.

Best wishes to everyone on the forum

I'm not defending gambling, or the wasting of money. When I think what I could of bought with the money spent I just realise how stupid it is but I'm not going to leave that all behind by beating myself up about it everyday.

Who is more likely to succeed at quiting gambling the depressed person that mulls over the losses constantly or the person that accepts the losses and vows to put them behind them?

I could tell everyone I know what I have done but am I then in a better position than I am today? I don't want anyone to pay the debts for me, I don't want people treating me differently or worrying that the may say the wrong thing.

Each to there own and I support any path people want to take as long as it's made with good intentions.

No one's saying you have to mull over your losses and be depressed.

I'm suggesting some honesty though - if you're gona lie to others, at least be honest with yourself.

If you're saying your gambling has no impact on others (money, time...presence) you must be in denial.

(I practiced denial for 14 years)

Julie 35 wrote:

Cardhue,

Just an observation on my behalf. I don't know if you realise it, or intentionally set out to do it, but there is a distinct nastiness and critical element to your posts. Not so much on this thread, because this is a debate, and debate's go like that. I have just come across a comment you left on someone else's diary, that was quite frankly rude. Telling them that they are on a high horse etc. No one likes to be spoken to as if they are a lesser individual, or judged by your obviously very high standards for yourself and how others should live their recovery. Now I am in no doubt, that your going to come back and tell me that I am wrong and this is how it is, but I should probably tell you I don't care. I think someone needs to tell you this and you can either make the decision to change how you reply to people, or not as the case may be. Yes toughness and directness is needed, rudeness and talking down to people isn't, in my opinion.

Julie

Each to there own on individual slants they say. But firstly this is a debates section Julie and secondly any grieviance why not pass onto the particular posters diary or comment on particular thread thats peeved you. Throwaway comments like above ruins the harmony of Gamcare. Thirdly, disagree with that whole unnecessary post....a perogative we all have

Hi Volcano,

I wasn't trying to ruin the harmony of Gamcare, and yes I should have posted to the individuals diary, that is my bad. I cannot work out how to delete the comment now and move it, otherwise I would. Sorry to hear you feel my post is un-necessary, i just felt the need to say it. My view is not everyone's. I don't think it is a throw away comment. I have felt this opinion for a while, i just placed it in the wrong section.

Julie