Hi
My husband has a long term gambling problem. About 7 years ago I found hidden debt and lots of scary bank statements which just showed hundreds and hundreds of pounds being gambled daily. I paid his debt off using my credit card and he promised he stopped, we just brushed it under the carpet as he wouldn't talk about it. A few years later, once again I found a load of new debt due to gambling. We broke up for a while and he accessed one session of CBT and claimed to be accessing counselling through the military (he's in the forces). He said he paid off his debt and again trying to talk about things was a 'no go' for him. He moved back into our family home (we have 3 children). I told him that if it happened again, I would leave him.
In January, this year, once again I discovered debt. This time 40k. He tried to lie and then finally admitted to the debt (however I think there is more). I kicked him out and we're going though the divorce process. He has accessed 3 sessions of counselling. Says he's stopped but I'm not convinced.
I think the thing I'm finding most difficult is the fact that he is my best friend and we get along so well (aside from the lying and deceit that's been going on for about 10 years). I'm struggling with just letting go. If it wasn't for the gambling there is no way I would be divorcing him. He is a great guy. I'm just struggling with the fact that despite the fact we have beautiful children and have had a great life together, he's gambled amyway. I warned him what would happen, he did it anyway.
Was he deliberately sabotaging our relationship..ids the gambling a symptom of being unhappy with our relationship?
He knew the consequences, knew where to access help and didn't and isn't. I just don't get it. He says he loves me and will win me back but has done nothing to prove he isn't gambling. Even now I have to rely on his 'word'.
We split up in January and I found out yesterday he hasn't even told his family what's going on. Is he in denial...?
I would value thoughts, experience of gamblers etc. It's all so confusing.
Hi I am Dave a recovering compulsive gambler who also has had 8 years military service. Best thing that happened to me was leaving the army and seeking help after lots of ups and downs. Not to say you can't get help while serving I must add.
I think you already know the answers to what your husband's position is at the moment. Hence the post on here. I can't really give advice on that matter but I know myself I would keep quiet about my addiction and try to hide it as much as possible and even lie my socks off as well.
The rock bottoms we go through as a gambler can get lower and lower and he has to do it for himself not you or anyone else. He has to help himself with a bit of support and openness to truly get on the road to recovery.
I regularly talk to my partner now about my gambling thoughts and thank goodness not my gambling actions. It takes time and it's a bumpy road I hope your husband jumps on and starts being honest with himself.
Anyways I hope this kid of helps, hopefully some one else can provide a better opinion
Dave101
Just for today I will not gamble, and enjoy this Friday with my family
Good morning,
I was your husband in this story so can give you my perspective. I was in the military, my wife bailed me out on one occasion. On the second occasion she called it quits. That was 2 months ago and I'm now living in a new place, marriage over. It wasn't until recently I realise how much gambling makes you lie and deceive those around you. It is not done with malicious intent. It also cannot be helped. The addiction is just as bad as drink or drugs and the addict will do everything they can to continue getting their fix. There are no consequences at the time. The addict mind is focused on the now, and doesn't *** the future.
In the military it is very easy to get sucked into the gambling way. It can be a lonely place and you can hide in your room of an evening and get sucked into the online world. Has he ever not come home on a weekend due to work reasons? Is he moody when you call? I would suggest if he does this then he is also lying and is broke, rather than working. Harsh reality is, he is addicted and only he can get out of this. Whether you support him or not is up to you.
My gambling really took hold once I left the military so I don't know what support they can offer. For me i would have kept it a secret due to the security clearance i held. I would ask to see evidence of any help he reports receiving. Ultimately the only way to move on for him, and you, is full transparency. You need to see his bank statements, credit report etc. When my wife saw mine it was an eye opener to both of us. the extent of my gambling was way more than i had admitted to myself and I get the impression this would apply in your husbands case. I cant offer you advice on your relationship, but can tell you that if he doesn't open up fully to you, then he is not ready to quit. He has to be willing to lay his life bare, give you control and, then and only then should you think he can change.
I'm now 64 days gamble free and living in my own place. I've never felt better. I desperately miss my family but I'm slowly accepting that its over. This can be beaten, but it really depends if he is ready to face it or not. you cannot make this happen, it has to be him. It will be tough for him, and tougher for you, as you will have to see his full life, laid out on paper, and you will both realise the horrors of how much he's gambled. If that doesn't make him get help, then he's not ready to quit, and he's not ready to accept he will lose you. Denial is a huge part of a gamblers life. It wasn't until i left the family home for good that i realised the truth. Everything was not going to be alright, everything would not work itself out with a big win. My wife will leave me, and she did.
Huge decisions for you ahead and i don't envy your next few weeks. Good luck, and i hope for his sake, he makes the right choices.
Stay strong 💪
Hi
The addictions and obsessions just indicate that a person is emotionally vulnerabe.
The simple fact giving money to an addict simply prolongs their suffering and their pains.
The first I needed to do was to walk in to the recovery program and then get honest with my self.
The second I needed to do was to hand over all my finances and my credit cards to a person I could trust.
The third I needed to do was to put more time and effort in to my recovery than I put in to my addictions and obsesssions.
I would write down my needs my wants and then in time new found golas.
The more honest I got would reduce my fears.
I wrote down every one of my fears and would reduce each of those fears one by one.
As I got more honest my fears would reduce.
Just for I do not want or need to gamble.
Saying I have to implies implies reluctance and resistance.
As my fears reduced my trust would grow.
As my fears reduced my emotional intimacy would grow.
As I learned to love my self I was able to love other people.
As I learned to respect my self I was able to respect other people.
The pains I expereinced in my life caused fears I did not understand.
In time I would find healing of the hurt inner child in me.
In time I would get to understand each of my emotional triggers.
Pains I was not able to heal.
Fears I could not face or reduce.
My frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was hurting my self.
My loneliness was due to my hurt inner child not wanting to be hurt or caused pains any more..
My boredom was due to the fact I was not very productive with my time and my energy.
I am a non religious person yet I am becoming more of a healty spirtual person today.
How much time and energy am I willing to invest in to my self becoming much healthier today.
Healing love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenam
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