Hi
I use to escape to my addictions and obsessions in my fears because I could not cope emotionally.
I did karate for two years then understood that I had still fears of aggression.
I could defend my self physically yet got to understand my fear of agression.
I then understood that my fear of agression was due to agression in my child hood.
People use to transfer their pains fears and frustration on to me. It was both physical agression and emotional agression that caused me to live in my fears and also understand that agression indciated pains not healed from people pasts.
The hurt inner child was still lashing out in their anger and pain.
Do we suppress our pains anger or do we heal our pains.
Anger is a very unhealthy reaction to pains not healed. Anger is a very unhealthy reaction to fears not faced,
Anger is a very unhealthy reaction to our unreasonable expectations of people life or situations. Having unreasonable expectations we hurt our self.
My fear of agression indicated I was not healed and I was still living in in the pains and fears of my past.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
This last week I met with a very agressive inconsiderate person who took my parking space.
I sounded my horn with little efffect.
In the old days I would have pulled the person out of their truck.
And introduced them to a knuckle sandwich.
That in many ways would have caused me alot of pain and would have remained stressed out for ages.
I am pleased to say that I cooled out in a very short period of time.
That was progress for me.
The reading today in recovery was the wording pride and ego.
Some people may even think that because I was so unhealthy in the old days I have no right to feel proud of myself.
Yet as we all move from being unhealthy we can reward our selves for new found healthy skills.
In time I got to understand that my addiction only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable not bad or evil.
In time I would write down and ask my self what are my needs and what are my wants.
A lot of things I use to do I did resentfully or reluctantly and who did I cheat by doing things for unhealthy reasons.
The wording ego could indicate that I might even think I am better than other people.
By humbling my self to be an equal to all people no matter how unhealthy they are or I was helps me see myself in other people.
In thinking humbling my self was making my self feeling very low was nto healthy in any way.
By being an equal to all people I feel balance in my life and my relationships with other people.
I have three telephone of local counsellors I want to get in touch with soon.
I have already seen 11 counsellors in my life but feel there is still some trauma not healed from when I was born up to eight years of age.
This buried trauma adversely affects my sleeping in healthy ways.
Every day not gambling I am a winner getting healthier.
Abstaining on its own was not enoughy for me.
I no longer want to work hard for my money and then waste it away and give it to strangers in Gambling establisments.
There was a time I use to think that abstaining would heal my pains.
I now understand abstaining was the time that I started to heal my pains and swap unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
By facing my fears intimacy came in to my life.
By stopping lying the hurt inner child came out to play.
I use to think that time off my addictions and obsessions was all that matters to me.
My addictions and obsessions only indicated how emotionally vulnerable I was.
Every day being clean I am making steps in to becoming the healthiest person I can be today.
I am not able to change my past yet I am able to learn from it.
No one could stop me gambling, that was going to be my own healthy choice.
No one could stop me lying, that was going to be my own healthy choice.
By attending time in the meetings I got to know myself more and more.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
I to went back to gambling many times over.
One question I was sked after my break out was what did it cost you.
Then I was told if it was just money it was a cheap lesson.
Each time going back to my addiction was an indicator that I had not resolved my emotional triggers.
I am a non religious person and understand that any person can find a healthy life if they invest lots of time and effort in to their recovery.
The recovery is not another obsession it is a healing process of learning how to heal our hurt inner child.
My emotional triggers were pains not healed, fears not reduced or faced, my unreasonabale expectations of people life and situations, another emotional trigger was loneliness and boredom.
Am I daily writing down my healthy needs.
Am I daily writing down my healthy wants.
Am I daily writing down my healthy goals.
No one could stop me gambling.
No one could stop me lying.
No one could stop me procrastinating.
No one could stop me lying to my self.
What am I willing to do to become a much healthier person.
What am I willing to do to become healed and whole.
What am I willing to do become more self sufficient with in myself.
How many unhealthy habits am I willing to exchange in to healthy habits.
How much do I value myu self today.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
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