Why did I think that Gambling addiction controlled me my thinking and my decisions.

Hi

For me my addictions and obsessions just indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

Being emotionally vulnerable did not make me a weak person a bad person or was I evil.

In truth I had suffered many kinds of abuse, emotional abuse physical abuse and sexual abuse and emotional abandonment.

I did not want to walk in to the recovery program, I felt that I had to.

I did not want to talk in to the recovery program because I was filled with emotional trauma and many fears.

The levels of fear were so  great in me that I felt I had to lie or escape.

Yet how could I think that I loved gambling that it was the most exciting thing in my life.

The simple truth I could not love an unhealthy habit.

For me love is about healthy intimacy honesty sincerety and being free of fears.

In time I was able to abstain from gambling for longer periods of time.

 Yet for me just to abstain was not going to heal my pains, reduce my fears and not going to get my motivation in writing down my needs my wants and my goals.

Success is possible by our healthy productive ways.

Quotes in the recovery program were in time I would learn to love my self.

Quotes in the recovery program were in time I would learn to respect my self.

The more therapies and the deeper I get in to the recovery program my fears would reduce, my trust would grow and I would be able to articualte what my feelings and emotions were.

For me the recovery program means healing my pains.

The many pains in my life caused fears in me that I did not fully understand.

The more fears I had in my life the more I was restricted with in my self.

In the recovery program I would learn to help my self.

In the recovery program helped me understand that by being consumed by my addictions and obsessions I was in effect hurting my self.

How would I feel if my boss asked me to work a month with out any pay.

Yet time and time again I worked for nothing and ave my money to the gambling establishments.

When people asked how I was saying I was fine or not so bad was a very unhealthy lie.

Not only did I lie to other people I alsolied to my self.

My emotional triggers were my pains not healed, were my fears not faced or reduced, were my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, were my being lonely and isolated, were my being bored.

I am a non religious person, yet I am becoming amuch healthier spirtual person.

My healthy conscience helps me understand when I am being unhealthy.

Going against my conscience causes pains to me and pains to other people.

I use to lie because of the pains and fears I was living in.

At 4am in the morning when I had wasted my money for rent, wasted my money for food, wasted my money for my family how low did I feel.

Did I understand that being so unhealthy I was cuasing pains on my self and to my family.

Each day free from my unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions I am becoming more productive.

Each day free from my unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions I am becoming more fearless.

Each day free from my unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions I am becoming more inimate with my self and with others.

No one could stop me gambling that had to be my own free will.

In the recovery program healthy like minded people would demonstrate to me nurturing and ecouragement.

In the recovery program healthy like minded people would make me aware of how much I have achieved by my own hard work.

Is that hurt inner child in me completely healed, I would say to a greater expent very much so.

Is that hurt inner child in me not living in any kind of unhealthy fear today.

Is that hurt inner child in me coming out to play and have much fun today.

Is that hurt inner child in me understanding that healthy intimacy is a big part of the healing process.

Love healing and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham