Hello,
I have spent a lot of time trying to decide whether to post this but I think it is the right thing to do. I am a very private person and I think that has made the situation with my partner worse, allowing secrecy and lies when I should of insisted on honesty and openess.
I have been with my partner for two and a half years. In all honesty they haven't been the easiest of times for a lot of reasons but I do love and care for him very much. When we first met he was honest with me and said that he had a gambling problem. I thought it was refreshing and admirable that he was so honest and open with me but what I have since realised is that it is selective honesty. He does this a lot, tells me (and other people) something that feels very personal or honest when actually he is covering something else up like the extent of the problem. So you just believe it and don't insist on elaboration because he is being so "honest".
About a year and a half ago it all came out, he was gambling again, he had stolen thousands of pounds, gambled it all away and had £25,000 in debt. His family stepped in and cleared his debt which scared me at the time as I thought there was a lack of accountability and consequences. He had councilling and said all the right things but I always felt there was something not quite right - I don't believe that he ever really thought he had a proper problem, I think he felt superior to other addicts and that he thought he wasn't going to relapse because it was all just about paying of the debt.
He has been paying the money back to his family and working hard since, life has been easier for him; no more banks breathing down his neck, a job he really enjoys and a fresh start. I deal with all our finances, his wages are transfered to me, I pay the bills and transfer the payments for his debts, I check his accounts and give him a little every week to spend. I am lucky because he is very open to this, he has never fought me on any of it and actually made a lot of the suggestions himself.
This weekend I checked his account and everything came crashing down. He had been gambling for two weeks using his PayPal account. I normally check his account more often but I got distracted and complacent and I take responsibilty for that. I don't know why it is so different this time... it is like I have finally come to the realisation that this is for life, I will never be able to trust him, I will never be able to take my eye of the ball. If we go on to have a family I won't be able to trust him, if we buy a house I won't be able to trust him. I am 2 1/2 years in, we don't have kids, we're not married I can walk away, I just don't know what to do. Is there anyway that he will get a handle on this, will the lying ever stop or is this just too much a part of him. I want to support him, I want him to get through this but I don't know if I can build a life with someone knowing that this will be part of it forever. When he gambles he is mean and selfish, he drinks too much and he picks fights and says hurtful things - I know this is probably part of the addiction but it is hard to take. He is normally very kind and gentle but he is a liar and he's capable of stealing and being so self detructive... I just don't know if that is a deal breaker.
I have put more things in place and he is getting councilling again which I am happy about for his sake. I don't know what this means for me and him because I just feel like I can't deal with it now, I can't cope with supportng him and getting everything sorting whilst trying to work out what I should do for the best. I feel heartborken, it feels so personal, he knew what it would do to me and us and he still did it - I know he couldn't help himself but if he can't now will he ever be able to? How do you build a life with someone that will always let you down, lie to you and essentually disappont you?
Do you have to learn to accept the truth about the person you love and does that mean you have to accept the lies too?
Hi lost, confused. You are not responsible for his gambling, not in any way. If you want to control finances you have to do it so they don't have access at all. As you've found out checking an account is not foolproof. Bailouts from family set a gambler free, make debt far more available. It's up to him to sort his debt and his choice not to gamble. It's up to you what you are willing to put up with. You cannot stop a compulsive gambler from gambling, but you can help by controlling finances, going to gamanon meetings. They are addicts. Lying is part of addiction. You can trust them but not with money. Gambling and lying are not part of healthy relationships, so no you don't accept it. It's bad behaviour, normally driven by some kind of crisis or mental health issue like depression. Yes he could help himself, he chose to gamble knowing he cannot stop, just as now he can choose not to. An active gambler is a manipulator, very good at making you feel sorry for them. It's a difficult addiction to beat and takes 100% commitment. From experience the only way for my husband is no access to money, cash and receipt, GA meetings. The decision to remain in this relationship is yours.
No-one can tell you what to do and you have to bear in mind that anyone posting whether a gambler of family has been thoroughly put through the mill by a gambling addiction but my personal view is that I wouldn't ever consider a relationship with anyone who gambled even for 'fun'. That said they can beat it if they want it badly enough and with the right tools but as you say the possibility of a relapse is always in the background. It also means being on top of everything financial permanently. Can you live with those realities?
You don't have to support him if you can't or don't want to. There are outside agencies which can help with that. You've had a horrible shock and I found I needed all my energy for me. Mr L gets his support from regular GA meetings where they get it in a way we never can.
Protect your finances and then think hard about what you want need and deserve from a partner. How you want to live.
Hi there,
I first of all want to say a personal thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure this was really difficult to reach out and share your feelings on the open forum. I'm sure alot of what's transpired is confusing or irrational. That defines a Compulsive Gambler such as myself, we make irrational decisions because we are ill and need help. That of course in no way is a reason to explain the deceit, constant lies and heartbreak we enforce.
After 244 days into my recovery after a relapse in the past and still being relatively young, I'm probably not the best source for information but hope I can at least offer something.
It's important to help put the relative blockers in place, i.e. self exclusion, internet blocking software and as you mention handing over finances to a relative. This helps limit the accessibility to funds but as you're aware there is always a way. Reading your post I'm unsure if your significant other is at the point of fully understanding and admitting that he is a Compulsive Gambler. To me, it seems like a guilt trip letting you hear everything you want to and then starting the same cycle of lies and deceit. For me personally, sufferring the long term consequences such as loss of finances helped me realise what I had done. Compulsive Gamblers getting a free pass to clear debt never truly solves anything as the lesson is never learnt only ever resulting in a repeat offence.
I personally am very close to my family, and have the most amazing support. Ultimately, this is a key driver to help my recovery. I do it for them as I love them. Everyone has a choice. Yes we are Compulsive Gamblers and will do anything to place a bet, but we do have a choice. We know the pain we inevitably sign ourselves up for. It's nothing to do with the final betting throws, it's that first bet that a Compulsive Gambler will regret the most as it only ever ends in us losing the lot no matter how much we win, we're greedy. I don't blame you in the slightest that you're at wits' end. I do feel you need the chat to make that abundantly clear to him. It's then his decision whether he works the program, there is plenty of support here and elsewhere to aid the recovery. If he loves you as much as I'm sure you love him, he will make that change and you will support him through it all (and let's be clear, it won't be easy). You can't do anymore, your partner has to accept he is powerless to this poison and willing to make the change for himself and all those close around him.
Rest assured he needs to sharply understand how lucky he is having somebody like you to support. On behalf of a Compulsive Gambler from a Compulsive Gambler, we are thankful for people such as yourself and we really can't do it without you.
Stay strong and please keep us updated with progress. You will see better days on the horizon.
Andy (Compulsive Gambler 244 days GF)
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