advice / help!

Hi Sjp, welcome to the Forum and well done for posting what you have here,

The bottom line is that he has to want to help himself - you can advise him, you can be there for him but, without him wanting to put a stop to this, there is almost nothing you can do.

I would approach him with a practical, non-judgemental attitude at first - explain that you both are in a situation which cannot continue, for both you and your childrens sakes. You are at a stage where it is affecting your children - he can't possibly want that, so you have to work out a way to move forward.

You need to get him to open up about this my friend, as much as you possibly can - ask him how he feels, does he feel he can stop? Has he thought about attending GA? Ask him to go, and maybe look at this website - explain that you are not branding him an addict, but he may see something of himself in what is written here, or he may be able to see where he is headed.

An addict is someone who lets their quality of life suffer as a result of risking money, however small - he can't deny this has happened, and that it has had an effect on all of you.

You also need to deny him access to you and your son's benefit money - giving it to him or having access to it will make him much worse.

If he continues to deny everything, continues to not think about help, and continues to have an effect on you, then you should seriously think about leaving, for the time being at least; no-one wants a broken home, but far better that than continual exposure to a situation like this; my Mother left my Father when I was five because they constantly argued - it was the best thing she could have done; I went from a very angry boy to a mild mannered one within a few months.

You are very young to have all of this on your shoulders my friend; I would speak to other members of both your families if you can't get anywhere with him - he has to listen to reason; he can't bury his head in the sand forever.

I gambled for twenty years before stopping five years ago. I feel for him too, because I know what he is going through; I just hope that he can try to understand what he is experiencing, and try to become the Father that he needs to be - what he is going through doesn't mean that he is a selfish or bad person, it just means the obsession has driven him to be that way, and, after a while, that is all people see.

I wish you well my friend. Keep posting - talk to him and we can advise and help every step of the way.

JamesP

Hiya,

everytime i try and talk to him he gets angry and it turns into an argument with him telling me i am being pathetic and childish!! i have tryed being nice and reassuring him that i wil help him if he needs me... and also tryed being harsh telling him that i will walk away from him if it doesnt stop. It always ends with him promising he will get help/ stop going into betting shops. he has been saying this for over a year now.

I dont feel like i can talk to family members/ friends, i dont want them to have a negative opinion on him. he makes out in front of them he does everything for me and i dont want them knowing that everything he says is in fact a lie!!

I have also tryed not giving him any money, he makes out its to get some lunch or something to drink, or that he needs to get something for work.. and i always give in. i understand that this is not helping but i cannot deal with the arguments it would cause, especialy as my son wojld be witness.

I wondered if you could tell me what first made you relise you had a problem and if anyone said anything to you that really made it sink in?

Hi Sjp,

By taking it out on you and calling you names, it is deflecting the responisbility of his own actions; what I mean by that is it much easier to make you the bad guy than look at himself and what he is doing; part of him will also believe he can give up anytime he wants, so when you question him, he takes it very personally, even though it is the truth.

No-one wants to involve family if they can help it, but you are being pushed into a situation where you might not have a choice, and it is better they know now before too much damage is done. I would make him very well aware of that.

Stopping giving money is something you have to do my friend - I know it is hard, and I know it would cause arguments but you are helping both him and your son in the long run; if he feels he can come to you every time he loses, then he will make much less effort to address the problem and seek help.

I have walked many miles in his shoes. I kicked up a storm too when people stopped my access to money; but now, I am enternally grateful that they did - they did the right thing, no matter how hard it was for me at the time. This is about the long game my friend, not what is happening right now; my heart goes out to you and I don't say this lightly, but it is something you have to do.

I first realised I had a problem when I was around thirteen, walking miles upon miles to spend tuppences on a £1.50 jackpot Fruit Machine. I wondered what this gnawing sensation was in my stomach that made me feel like it would kill me if I didn't play again; compulsive gambling is a form of emotional vulnerability - the vast majority of people can walk away after a small bet; it doesn't effect them, then there are people like myself and your partner - if we win, then all we do is crave more of the same (which invariably leads to losing) - if you lose, then you face soul-wrenching desperation to regain what you have lost (which invariably leads to losing).

With me, it wasn't what anyone said, it was something that happened. I had my biggest win in 20 years, £7000.00 - I booked a nice hotel, had a good meal, had some drinks, then went back and counted all the notes out on the bed; I started to feel quite depressed because I knew I would lose it at some point - this isn't about the money, it is the euphoria that you experience through winning; all it becomes is coloured paper that you can never spend on anything apart from gambling.

Sure enough, the next morning, I lost the lot in about an hour. That was the beginning of the end for me.

I know that you want an answer, I know that you want some magic words that will suddenly make him stop but they don't sadly exist my friend. He knows he has a problem deep down - obsession is a very powerful thing, especially when you win; you believe the unbelievable, you want to believe the unbelievable equation that you can stop and walk away; you can't - people like myself and your partner are not built that way.

It takes a lot to admit that you have something in your life that you can't control. There is great shame in that - its something no-one wants but you can't ignore the problem and lay waste to the world and everyone around you. You need to push him into accepting who and what he is, and you need to almost force him into seeking help - cutting off all financial ties will help a great deal, as will telling him that you may have to involve both your families; neither of you can ignore the problem - he is what he is, you are only telling the truth, you can't think any less of yourself for doing so; if they think less of him then so be it; they will think a thousand times less if you end up homeless and bankrupt my friend.

He has a responsibility to get help, not only to you but to your child; he may not want to do it, he may think he can stop at any time but that shouldn't stop him trying, and looking at the options involved.

I sincerely, genuinely feel enormously for your situation my friend. I have been a part of this Forum for around eight years - I am saying what I am here because I have seen many hundreds of familties go beyond where you are now; they come here when they are about to be evicted, debt-ridden and, in a lot of cases, their partner has been caught stealing - I am saying what I am and saying that you need to take immediate, strong and tough measures because it is extremely likely that things will reach these sort of levels - I have seen it many, many times. Your partner is not a bad person, but he is hugely vulnerable, and it doesn't take a great deal for vulnerable people to cross many lines, some of which there is no return from.

As I said, you may argue but you are doing it for his benefit. Do your bit - don't raise your voice, say what you need to say, do what you need to do and if he chooses to make a scene in front of your son, then he has to live with that.

If you do, he may be down on his hands and knees thanking you one day, as I am to those who took strong measures with me.

JamesP

Hi Sjp,

Been reading through your posts and my heart goes out to you....you must be like me ..at your wits end, my son gambles, i came to the forum because i just didn't know which way to turn, devasted by the lies and deceit, gambling has turned my son in to ..at times..somebody who is'nt very nice.

My heart breaks for you ..you are so young to be carrying this burden..you have your whole life ahead of you...i think like me you can only take small steps at a time and make changes that ..will in effect make it difficult for him to gamble, don't lend any more money...this is what i am doing now, wish i had done it a lot sooner, i don't think it will stop him over night...only he can do that, but i'm determined that i'll make it as difficult as i can ..when he spends all his wages in the first days of being paid...and maybe in time he will see for himself what he is doing. You have to put yourself and your son first, even though you love him and want to be with him.

Putting yoour self first is sometimes the hardest thing to do, my ex husband kicked me when i was 19 years old, i stayed with him for another 25, through all the drinking, abuse, broken promises that he would change, and it took its toll on me and my 3 sons, i wish i had put myself first earlier...

I really hope that you manage to come through this together...but only the person with the addiction can solve the problem..its not your fault, so don't accept the name calling and the responsibity of it all, if he won't change, then like me...maybe you have to change, in the hope that it will bring him to his senses. i'm sorry for rambling...i'm still trying to take my own advice, hopefully we will get there, you a lot sooner than me, takecare of yourself and your little boy

Best wishes

I

Hello sjp,

Well done for posting on the forum about how your family life has been affected by your partner’s problem gambling.

You’ve said that you find it difficult to talk with family and friends about what is happening at the moment; perhaps that will change as you develop more confidence… we would encourage you to use more support, including professional help. Using more support could help you in many ways, including in your responsibilities as a parent.

You might want to talk with the National Domestic Violence Freephone helpline on 0808 2000 247 (Available 24 hours a day). It sounds like you’re saying that your partner’s verbal aggression is intimidating you, and that you’re concerned about how the arguments may be affecting the emotional atmosphere of your family.

http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

You could talk with your GP or your health visitor about increasing support for your family.

GamCare provides a free counselling service for people affected by someone else’s gambling problem… if you’d like to find out more about GamCare counselling services in your area, please talk with a GamCare adviser on our Freephone 0808 8020 133 or on our Netline. The advisers can also offer you emotional support, and signposts to other services.

Take care,

Adam.